getting over unresolved/unrequited love

[deliprancer]

I need some advice as to how I can deal with getting beyond an unrequited love.
The background is that I had a close friendship with a guy. He had just broken up with his wife when I met him. We had good fun (nothing sexual) and he gave me thoughtful loving presents and gifts (home baked bread, flowers from his garden). I felt/feel an extremely strong attraction/chemistry with him and some of his behaviour has strongly suggested this back to me For example he would do that Patrick Swayze /Ghost thing of coming up behind me and helping me to do something with his arms wrapped around me, play me music down the phone that he thought Id like. (Is it fair to say those are obvious examples of flirtation on his side?).
Nothing ever happened between us and now he's leaving the area. In the last couple of years he's barely spoken to me for no obvious reason. My eyes have also been opened to some of his less attractive qualities immaturity, selfishness and lack of ability to accept responsibility.
However, I think about him ALL THE TIME. I am fairly keen to get rid of these feelings of intense love/desire as actually in many ways he doesn't deserve it from me. But I cant. My heart just will not listen to my head. I've been listing his bad qualities in my head for months now, imagining him being annoying and farting in bed etc etc. Nothing is working and honestly it's a major issue and very paralysing for me and ultimately a negative impact on my life.
Does anyone have any similar experience or advice on how to move on? I dread him leaving (but can see it will have its positives) as there is soooo much unresolved feeling that cant be addressed. I fear I'll be googling his name for the rest of my life and utterly paralysed by my strong feelings. Help.

Unrequited love is horrid. But the good news is it that it should start getting better when you don't see him all the time.

Otherwise, well, having interesting things going on in the rest of your life and nice friends always helps.

Look limerence up on Wikipedia.

Won't really help, but it might make you laugh:
'Two Cures For Love:

1. Don't see him. Don't phone or write a letter.
2. The easy way: get to know him better."

By Wendy Cope

Worth seeking out a copy of one of her poem collections for those difficult times- wry, funny observations on men and relationships. Some have really helped me laugh when I wanted to feel miserable about love.

I wondered about limerence Guyropes - thanks for reminding me of the term (I had seen it mentioned on here once before) which is why I included a couple of examples of his behaviour towards me just in case it was an obsessive crush on my part with zero basis in reality! But I think that these examples are fairly obviously showing an interest in me?

They could have been clear examples of him being interested in you, but as it turns out they were clear examples of him enjoying playing with your feelings for his own gratification. This is definitely limerence. It will go away but you have to be firm with yourself; every time you start thinking about him, make a deliberate effort to turn your mind to something else. And get rid of all reminders of him.

There is nothing like a new man to get over an old love so my suggestion is that you find someone new to think about. Easier said than done I know, but he's not the only man in the world is he? We've all been rejected at some time, but the best way forward is to treat yourself to some new clothes and a new hairdo and go out and meet new people. Keep your eyes open because the man of your dreams might be round the corner. Keep your chin up, you will get over it but you must make an effort to socialise and get to know other people.

Thankyou husband does the ironing - Ive just looked up some Wendy Cope poetry and really enjoyed it - the orange and he told her. Very perceptive!
I cant envisage myself throwing away reminders of him - I love him despite myself. I have hidden them away though.
Wildflower - yes I do need others in my life. I think maybe he was the first person to have shown what felt like genuine interest in me for many years and coupled with the attraction I felt made me fall hook line and sinker.

Well, if it had a basis in reality, it would have progressed by now, wouldn't it? Unless you are both terribly shy. Consider telling him how you feel, so that you can find out for definate if it is unrequited or not. Limerence feeds off uncertainty, and if you are in that state, your brain will be giving you endless really good reasons why not to tell him how you feel and end the uncertainty once and for all.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, its a trap I've fallen into many times myself, and even followed wild flower woman's suggestion, and replaced one limerent object with another. But recognising the state, and beating it by yourself is immensely liberating and empowering.

Thanks Guy - there are very compelling reasons why this hasn't progressed - but then I would say that wouldn't I?! Is that the limerence speaking?
I do want to beat it by myself and I long for that liberation possibly even more than I long for him. I just need to know what to do to beat it.
My plans so far include: trying to get more going on in my life (3 young dc so I need to work something out there!), reading Wendy Cope poetry and spending time with nice people.
It's the time when Im alone and I know that I will think about him that is so difficult.

It's difficult to do all the things you might to liberate yourself from these feelings, when you are quite tied down with parenting. But as pp have said, recognise the thoughts when they come along, and have other things lined up to think about. (A jumper you may or may not ever knit, a tree youd like to plant ... where? what species? what will it look like in 15 years?) The less time you allow yourself to think about him, the less those unwanted thoughts will dominate.

Once I had realised the truth, that however much we could have loved each other, that the relationship was not going to work out well, it was easier to remind myself that it was a waste of energy thinking about him. I quit thinking about him surprisingly quickly. It was wonderful. Some time later, I met someone else. I thought carefully about whether or not a relationship could work before I let myself feel anything for him. Luckily the answer was yes, and we are very happy together now, and he is by far and away the most compatible boyfriend I have ever had. Good luck deli, lots of surprises are round the corner!