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Original poster

Long term break up

28 replies

amcman · 07/03/2015 20:47

My partner and I have just agreed to have a break. We met and I moved in straight away. We love each other but we never had the chance to be a couple. After 6 years 3 children. And she's about to start a new job. There is so much more to this but it would take me about a week to explain.

OP posts:
Antican · 07/03/2015 21:01

I'm not sure you will get much in the way of positive support on here. The majority of people seem to lurk and only contribute when it's to give advice on how to get rid of your other half. Some positive advice on how to patch things up and try to put the past behind you , if that's possible , wouldn't go amiss every now and then.

I hope you are feeling o.k anyway.

RandomMess · 07/03/2015 21:10

I would go and find a relationship therapist to help you work out what you both want and give a focus to resolving issues between you.

Start a date night as well to make the effort to spend time together as people not parents.

CtrlAltDelicious · 07/03/2015 21:16

Some positive advice on how to patch things up and try to put the past behind you , if that's possible , wouldn't go amiss every now and then.
Well, we're all ears, Antican... Hmm

Balders74 · 07/03/2015 21:56

You both have to want it to work but I would say keep communicating and see a counsellor so you can talk through your issues.

I wish you luck in sorting things out.

Original poster
amcman · 07/03/2015 22:04

Why should there not be anything positive. I am moving out this week,trying to sort a flat out. But a mutual decision was made to try and start again because we never did the couple thing. Is there such a thing?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 07/03/2015 22:09

Three children in six years is A LOT of pressure on any couple.

The key to getting through this stage IMO is accepting that the next few years are going to be very tough, by way of tiredness, resentment and maybe lack of sex. Lots of responsibility etc

All the above things create great strain on a couple.

What are the main issues that are driving you apart??

LineRunner · 07/03/2015 22:14

amcman, that is as Quitelikely says a lot of pressure. What would you and your partner like to be different?

MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 22:17

When my now husband and I met I already had a son who was a toddler and we were married & having another (planned) baby within six months. Now been married 12 years.

Original poster
amcman · 07/03/2015 22:25

We have never been a couple. Part of the reason for me moving out is so we can be boyfriend and girlfriend. We want to start again. Will it work?

OP posts:
MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 22:27

How do you mean, like dating?

MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 22:28

How do you mean you've never been a couple? after 6 years and kids? im confused

LineRunner · 07/03/2015 22:36

Do you mean you moved in and your partner got pregnant straight away?

I don't think you can really turn the clock back on that without leaving her to pick up the vast majority of the parenting.

Original poster
amcman · 07/03/2015 22:38

We always wanted more children and we clicked straight away. I had a son and so did my partner when we got together. We decided straight away to have children because we were so in love. We still are, but we just have so much resentment because we cannot compromise.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 07/03/2015 22:40

It could work yes. But why are you running from your kids. I'm assuming their arrival has created the pressure. Is it fair on your wife to leave her with the pressure?

What are the problems? If you give is an idea of the main stressors then we can offer a more tailored opinion regarding your troubles!

I mean you had at least nine months of child free time at the beginning of your relationship!

Quitelikely · 07/03/2015 22:41

Compromise on what?

LineRunner · 07/03/2015 22:41

I'm not sure 'dating' will be the compromise that is best for your children, though. What have you arranged about parenting them together? That might give you some clarity about the future.

Original poster
amcman · 07/03/2015 22:43

We never got the chance to be boyfriend and girlfriend. We both knew what we were doing but we are both grown ups, previous long term relationships and wanting to succeed.

OP posts:
MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 22:51

Thats how it is when you get together with someone who has kids from previous, thats how it is and you forfeit the dating like childless singles as you arent. You know the score when you met though.

MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 22:53

Moving fast and having more kids together didnt deny you the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. Already having kids did.

Original poster
amcman · 07/03/2015 23:20

I wouldn't change a thing. But i love her so much. But at the same time I'm willing to move out. Counseling.. I've been there and you get much better counselling
on here. Positive advice only

OP posts:
Rummikub · 07/03/2015 23:25

My advice is dont move out if you want to make it work. Find a way to 'date' from within the relationship.
Don't rule out therapy, you may not have found the right couples therapist. You both need help to deal,with the resentment if you can't accept that this period of time is difficult.

Original poster
amcman · 07/03/2015 23:27

Having kids already should never deny you time together. Whilst we accept it. It doesn't make it any easier. Some people have a network who can help you get out. Or are able to help you out. But imagine not having anybody ?

OP posts:
Original poster
amcman · 08/03/2015 21:48

Would appreciate any advice or help.

OP posts:
Isetan · 09/03/2015 11:22

As good as MN is it isn't a substitute for councelling.

What is moving out supposed to achieve/ stop? If not willing to compromise is an issue, what are you doing about it?

Moving out isn't a quick fix, just like moving in together wasn't.

If you're serious about saving your relationship then you need to acknowledge that whatever your doing isn't working and maybe a councelling can help.

PatriciaHolm · 09/03/2015 11:34

How is moving out going to help?

Either you have babysitters etc. to help you get child free time like dinners out, or you don't. Moving out isn't going to change that. You can't suddenly be child free boyfriend and girlfriend because you aren't. Your wife isn't magically going to morph into a carefree singleton when you live separately.

Does your son from a previous relationship live with his/her mother? If so, what moving out will achieve is you gaining a bachelor pad and your wife getting the day to day care of her child and your child together. How is this possibly going to help?