Not coping...

[Oldname]

I don't know where to start, have nc as think ex may know my username.
Single mother to two beautiful pre school children, zero support. If I'm not at work I'm with my children. Relationship with the kids dad has been horrendous and he makes me feel like there's a black cloud following me.
Had a relationship which was whirlwind, he made me feel amazing and I felt completely in love, we broke up a couple of months ago and he was awful to me. I read a lot and think he was a narcissist. Anyway, I've let him back in, I was so desperate for his attention I agreed to try again. The old behaviour is still the same, I am not allowed to express any negative feelings towards his behaviour. I will raise something and end up being the one apologising. He threatens to end us constantly and I am practically begging him not to. I feel like he's out of my league and I'm lucky he even speaks to me - my friend say he's not.
This is a pattern, my dads constant put downs have destroyed my self esteem I think. Now I'm grateful for any attention, I have had long relationships with guys I didn't even like. I have never been in a 'normal' relationship I don't think.
At this point I'm taking prescription painkillers to numb my feelings. I would let current bf do anything and forgive him. He can treat me like shit and I do nothing. I don't even object. Just wait for crumbs.
I don't know if I've covered even half of what I want to, I just don't know where to start. I'm letting my kids down and I need to change but don't know how.

Hi Copper. Have you thought about getting some counselling to improve your self esteem? You have become a victim & you need support to change that behaviour.

Bakers I don't know how to go about counselling? Do I see the gp? Don't want to say I'm taking painkillers because im worried it'll look bad on me as a mum.

I think it's great that you have posted here. You have recognised that your behaviour is self destructive. You are accepting poor treatment from abusive men. But you want it to stop. That's all good.

I noticed you mentioned about your own father being nasty to you, I'm worried about the impact of these nasty men being around your beautiful children.

I know you say without him all you do is work and see the children so have you tried hiring a sitter from your local nursery/gumtree/sitters.co.uk

If you live in Southampton for example try google

'Southampton meetup'

This is a social group, not full of wierdos, normal people looking to get out and meet others. They have walking groups, eating out groups etc. all on at different days, times of the week.

Or try city socializer.

I think that if your low feelings if self worth are etched so deeply inside you the only way to move forward is to request counselling. Don't give up, don't feel resigned to being treat like dirt and having a rubbish life.

The hard part is realising that you have to make it all happen. Nothing is going to come to you, life's hard sometimes but you have the power to change it to your advantage. Only you though.

The person you are dating sounds awful. Don't up your hopes on him, you know he's a loser. You're great and he's trying to destroy you.

quitelikely my father is dead now so he doesn't damage my kids.
Current bf is amazing with them, it's amazing when we're together, but when he leaves it just all goes wrong. I tolerate so much from him that I'm unhappy with, and I don't know why. Ultimately I want to be with him forever, yet if it was my friend doing this I'd say she was mad! Why do I still love him??
I just cannot snap out of this feeling, the only time I feel happy is when Hes here, the rest of the time I'm just treading water feeling miserable. How bad is that when I have my wonderful kids?
I think I'm expecting him to fill a void I have but I don't know what the void is. I'm doing impulsive things, like buying stuff, to see if any of that will make me feel better. It doesn't.
I don't know if he's the cause of my feeling like this or a symptom.

Go to see your GP & ask for some counselling. You are being treated badly but openly admit you will take it. That is giving your DC a terrible example to grow up with.

Please try to get some help to like yourself more.

You absolutely need help. Talk to your gp, no one is going to take your kids off you.

Yes, please talk to your GP and they will refer you for counselling on the NHS. You do not have to mention the painkillers to the GP if you are too scared, just say you are very depressed and have a history of accepting abuse from partners.

The painkillers, the shopping, the unsuitable partners are all attempts to fill a void in yourself which I'm guessing is a lack of parental love and nurturing. The good news is that you can recover your self-esteem and learn to re-parent yourself, and stop taking shit from abusers. Have a look for Susan Forward's book "Toxic Parents", I think it may be a real eye opener for you.

Bless you, narcissistic parents screwed my head and life up. Im married for 12 yr with three beautiful boys but my husband is very controlling. He too wont accept any criticism and turns it round on me, makes me believe im paranoid x