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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Absolutely fed up of FIL

24 replies

manchestermummy · 07/03/2015 17:03

I have to offload. I don't expect replies, but I just have to get this off my chest.

My PIL are divorced due to FIL's affair. FIL eventually married the ow and he currently lives 200 miles away.

FIL has never liked me. I don't fulfil his idea of a suitable wife. I work and have opinions and he cannot stand it. The first time we met he told me my career was a waste of time. He criticises our dc and our parenting constantly and recently has inferred that dc2 isn't my dh's child because their colouring is very different. Exactly like mine, but he cannot see that.

He comes to visit twice a year strictly on his terms. His dw has family elsewhere in the country and as we are roughly equidistant between him and us he only visits when they are en route to her family. Last year they invited themselves for lunch and sat there saying they had had a huge breakfast and couldn't eat anything. We had gone to effort and expense.

When he visits he talks only about himself and how amazing his life is. He has been incredibly nasty to my SIL too and has publicly (on Fb!) told her she's fat. He also demanded that we sell our house to SIL years ago because she was renting and we owned and we should help out.

We happily drive throughout the UK to see friends and have said we'd love to visit them but the response is always "no".

He has demanded to visit next weekend. It's my birthday. We have plans. I am now the unreasonable one in the entire family because for the first time in 12 years, dh has put me first. Well, he did when I got upset.

Dh is currently on the phone to his dm who is trying to persuade him to see his dad next weekend.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/03/2015 17:09

Sounds familiar. My theory is that I have my boundaries and everything else is DH's business with his DF. My boundaries are; DD will never be damaged by my FIL's emotional abuse; he will never live here; he won't dictate terms in our house. Other than that, all is good. Arsing with your birthday would possibly fall under dictating so you can choose not to be OK with it.

Remember as I have to every day that your DH has been dealing with this his whole life and how miserable that has been. He has to find his way and try to make everyone happy. It's no kind of child-parent relationship.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 07/03/2015 17:10

Good lord. What an insufferable arsehole. Do not engage, do not allow yourself to be persuaded, simply state that that doesn't work for you as its your birthday and you have plans. Then make sure you're out all weekend so even if he turns up he can't get in and you're not there. Might make him realise that no, you don't dance to his tune.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2015 17:18

Any bad behaviour from any relative should not be at all tolerated or rewarded.

Re your comment:-
"Dh is currently on the phone to his dm who is trying to persuade him to see his dad next weekend".

Does your DH have any sort of a relationship with his dad these days at all?. He needs to be tough her on both his parents and tell them that his loyalties now are to his own family unit and not them.

Would not tolerate any emotional blackmail (that is what that amounts to) from her either; MIL is being an enabler her to her ex h, he is her ex H for good reason. She is acting in her sole own interest here; not yours or her son's.

Original poster

manchestermummy · 07/03/2015 17:22

FIL left MIL when dh was 10. He was always at work (or shagging the ow) so played no part in dh's childhood. He made some financial contributing, but only if the benefit was clear to him. Despite being very well off, he didn't put a hand in his pocket for any sort of HE because he fundamentally disagreed with university.

One vaguely amusing anecdote: I contributed a chapter to a book (sole author; major academic publisher in the field; good number of resulting citations). He couldn't get over the fact I had done this after I got married.

OP posts:

Original poster

manchestermummy · 07/03/2015 17:25

Atilla he tries but only because he has some misguided idea that our dc should see their grandfather.

Fwiw my dc have a delightful relationship with both my MIL and my parents.

OP posts:

ihatethecold · 07/03/2015 17:48

Jeez. He sounds like a right royal nobhead.
Tell him to bugger off, it's your birthday.
You're an adult, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

FlyingPirate · 07/03/2015 17:56

Dear god, what an arse. Don't let him run your life. It's your birthday and he's likely picked that date deliberately. Just be firm that you've made plans and you're sticking to them.

emotionsecho · 07/03/2015 18:00

You say in your op that you'd love to visit them but the answer is always "no", so by the same token on this occasion your answer is "no" (perfectly reasonably), if he dishes it out it's about time her learnt to take it.

Fwiw I would say "no" to any future visits by them as well, why put yourself out for people who clearly don't like or respect you, any of you, not you, your dh or your children.

Love the anecdote about your contribution to the book, how very dare you still have a functioning brain once you married

Meerka · 07/03/2015 18:18

snicker what does he expect, first the wedding ring then the surgical operation to remove the brain?

Why on earth is his DM trying to persuade your husband to visit this awful man When he walked out of the marriage, well, the OW certainly got her reward in all its glory, didn't she?

If it needs saying YADNBU and my god, the most anyone could be expected to extend to this man is a meal in a cafe or at most a restaurant and then fuck off, goodbye. He Who Must Be Obeyed might not like it, but well, who really cares?

Original poster

manchestermummy · 07/03/2015 18:24

I think in her head, dh is a little boy who needs some male input. Dh is in a foul mood now. Cheers for that FIL!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2015 18:38

"he tries but only because he has some misguided idea that our dc should see their grandfather".

And why is that given his behaviour towards you both over the years?. Your DH seems to be in FOG with regards to his dad; fear, obligation and guilt. Such men do not change, perhaps your DH persists at all because he still wants his approval and also hopes that such a man like his dad will change. I can tell him now that he will never receive that approval and nor will his dad change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2015 18:40

Your DH is also in a foul mood because of his mother's enabling behaviour of her ex husband. She is probably glad that her son is copping his wrath rather than she.

Walkacrossthesand · 07/03/2015 18:46

Another voice to reiterate - your FIL clearly feels perfectly able to say no when you 'want'/see an opportunity to to visit him. Ergo, there is no rational reason whatsoever why he should get the hump if you apply the same approach. 'No'. Does this help your DH see why it's perfectly ok to say No? Perhaps remind FIL of the last few times he declined a visit?

Quitelikely · 07/03/2015 19:16

Why was his mother on the phone encouraging him if her and FiL split years ago?

Holdthepage · 07/03/2015 19:22

It's the usual tiptoeing around the most difficult person in the family. Mustn't upset FIL, even DM who he cheated on wants to keep him sweet, tell them all to get stuffed. If your DH is in a foul mood it is his own DF that has caused it. Stand firm OP.

OnBlueDolphinStreet · 08/03/2015 01:54

H. M. The Queen was invited to a massive event at my old work, which had to be post-phoned due to unforeseen circumstances. Some said it was a massive faux-pas to have to post-pone, but she wrote a lovely kind letter saying she would love to be invited again and did attend at the later date.

If the Queen can graciously change the date she visits, why can't your FIL, bearing in mind you didn't invite him anyway!!

Original poster

manchestermummy · 08/03/2015 07:33

Very good point OneBlue! He won't change the date because that would mean accepting that we have a life that doesn't revolve around him. Years ago he would call on a Friday night and tell us he would be at ours at 2 and be in! The day we had to call him and tell that we would be at a wedding that afternoon signalled the start of him not talking to us for a year.

The most hurtful episode surrounded the birth of dc2. FIL was in the area for his brother's birthday party (big birthday). We were invited too but did say that as the party was five days after dc2's due date, there was a chance we might not be ther. The uncle and aunt couldn't have been lovelier and said they either looked forward to seeing us, or to hearing about our new arrival!

As it happened, dc2 was born the early hours of that morning. Dh called fil whose first question was "You'll be at uncle x's then later, I'll see you there". Dh explained that under no circumstances would any of us be there. I was three-hours post birth when this conversation took place and discharge from the hospital wasn't even in motion! FiL got angry.

MIL went to the party (she's still close to her in laws despite the divorce) and was thrilled to be sharing our news (saved us a job too!). I was out of hospital by then but only just. FIL passed his present to MIL for the baby. It was a stack of neutral baby clothes and a neutral card (we didn't know the gender. In other words, his brother's birthday was going to be the reason for the visit and he had no intention of visiting the area again. He told us he was angry that we hadn't brought our less than 24-hours-old baby to a family gathering so he could meet the baby.

Sorry for all the drip feeding but the more I think about it the more I feel aggrieved that I am expected to engage with this twit.

OP posts:

Inertia · 08/03/2015 09:03

He sounds awful. Please don't give in on your birthday plans next week. If he goes no contact then it'd be a blessing.

I'm astounded that he thought he could order you to attend a party a couple of hours after giving birth !

Anniegetyourgun · 08/03/2015 09:12

The day we had to call him and tell that we would be at a wedding that afternoon signalled the start of him not talking to us for a year.

I'd call that a bonus, wouldn't you? If you're really lucky he might stop talking to you for two years this time.

ajandjjmum · 08/03/2015 09:12

What an idiot. He'll end up and sad and lonely old man.

PeppermintCrayon · 08/03/2015 09:15

The problem with trying to have a relationship for the DC's sake is that they get to see their parents normalising and tolerating toxic behaviour. It isn't in their interest either.

This is indeed FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). DH needs to set boundaries. He doesn't have to listen to his DM, who if you think about it should be nagging DF to be less of an arse if she's going to nag anyone.

MetallicBeige · 08/03/2015 09:24

Next weekend? So it's your birthday and Mother's Day that he's after ruining. No, no and NO.

Yanbu, he can nob off. He's obviously still emotionally abusing your MIL for her to be so involved in it all. I don't comment often on these threads but he sounds horrible, if he falls out with you all it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Do you really want that negative rotten creature having any influence on your dc?

Goldmandra · 08/03/2015 09:36

With a bit of luck, your refusal to allow his to disrupt your birthday will signal the beginning of another year of not speaking. Maybe even two years if you're lucky

TendonQueen · 08/03/2015 09:39

Agree with Annie - if this prompts another year of him not talking to you, result! He needs to stick with his boundaries (has he read Toxic Parents?) and your MIL should stop facilitating all this. If she rings again he'd be best off saying 'Mum, I just don't want to talk about Dad with you at all. Anything he wants me to know he can tell me himself, as long as it's civil'.

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