Have you ever really managed to get away from your mother?

[TinyGang]

Well, mentally I suppose I mean.

My mother is domineering. She means well, is kind but often seems to be spoiling for an argument in the way that families know how to press the right buttons.She sort of has to pulverise any dissent around her.

I'm 41 ffs - she still manages to reduce me to overwhelming feelings of frustration. I am an only child and she has alaways been unquestionably in charge. We still live nearby. I don't think either of us have ever learned that she does not always have to be right. Being an only child - there has never been another to bouce off in this respect. I disagree at my peril - she can be a terrible person to argue with.

There is talk that she and my father might move abroad. Tbh I think it might do us both some good.

I feel so sad about this - it would drive me mad to think my own children would think that about me. It's just that we're so different.

She died almost exactly 2 years ago so, yes. Also I left home at 17 and never lived near her again. Can you not have less contact with her?

Am in the process of making that break... and coming from a big family down't make it any easier...

Sorry, that should say "doesn't"!

It's hard - she lives nearby and has a good reltionship with the children. Us too. All the time we/I agree.

When she speaks to me sometimes - I can hear it - she's spoiling for something and I go into dodge mode which makes me resentful.

I know so many here have far worse to cope with -I acknowledge that. I just don't seem to be able to find a way with her that I feel 'settled' about in my head.

I think you have to reach a stage where you treat her the same way as you do your children, a sort of kindly humouring. Mine sounds uncannily similar to yours (how well I recognise that 'spoiling for an argument'... does she also do silent but obvious disapproval?) and I just don't let her into my head too much. I communicate with her in a similar way to the way I deal with 5 yo dd, smiling distantly at some of her silly pronouncements. In fact, come to think of it when I'm with her I become quite vague generally, which is probably some sort of conflict avoidance strategy.

I think I'm very different to my mother too. She would say we're so alike.

Yes, mine would say we're alike too probably. But we're not at all. The silent thing.. sometimes that's a phone strategy she uses.

I don't think she realises it, but over the years I've noticed she almost needs to be in conflict at any one time at least somewhere in her life. It's taken as read that I'll put up with it, I think if it's my turn.

I try being vague. Someone once suggested treating her disagreements in an impersonal way and it's good advice, but damn, it she sure knows how to press those buttons.

I treat my mother as Orlando says - like another child. She has always seemed a bit unstable TBH but everyone just treated it as normal. However as she is a loving and generous grandmother and tries to be supportive to me, I wouldn't dream of trying to get away from her. As a child I remember treating her like china - she always seemed so fragile. This meant that when I was older I used to scorn her a little - I remember thinking that she was such a victim and I'd never be like that! Now I realise that she had a terrible childhood and she did very well to be as 'normal' and loving as she was. My parents have always been supportive (in their way) even when I've done things they hated and their reward is a good relationship with me, and 3 grandchildren who thinks the sun shines out of them.

However my mother haunts me in that I can see her traits in me sometimes and that frightens me a little.

My mother had an awful childhood too, and lost her mother very young. I do try to remember that she has no pattern for mothering and totally idealises the whole mother/daughter thing as her mother died early enough for her to still idolise her.

She's also had 2 failed marriages, so her relationship with me (and my daughters) is the one thing she feels she has completely succeeded in. I feel a duty not to shatter that illusion, which is hard sometimes.

Fortunately, ja, I don't see any of her traits in me!!

With mine it's just how she is. Her feistiness (hate that word, but it seems appropriate) can be a double edged sword and can work wonders but it has a sharp side too.

It's me I get more annoyed with, I think. I should know how to deal with it by now without getting so wound up.

How do other people see her, tiny? I still suffer from that teenage thing of wanting to stand behind my mother rolling my eyes in embarrassment, but when I really try to look at her objectively I can see that she probably isn't so different from lots of other women her age.

She's very 'in charge'; confident.

People weaker than her seem to like her but she's not afraid to put someone in their place. She can clash with other strong personalities like herself. Most of my friends like her a lot -she's glamorous, stylish.

She's protective of her family, is a lovely grandma - I don't deny that. I just flounder so badly with her sometimes because I'm not confrontational and I feel she's goading me to be so.

I find it harder at times when I've got a lot on my plate - it's wearing to indulge an argument and it's wearing to avoid it too.

I have tried to no avail.

...Bless her

"totally idealises the whole mother/daughter thing as her mother died early enough for her to still idolise her."

Her mother didn't die young but she still idolised her (in spite of some facts that my 8tys older aunt tells me that puts a very different slant on the past). She really seems to think that mothers and daughters should share everything that happens to them - sadly she is the very last person I'd share personal things as I learnt very early on that when she said 'you can tell me I won't be angry' she emphatically didn't mean it. She couldn't control her feelings quite often and that is sadly the trait that I have to fight hard against.

Thinking about it though, Mum did lose her dad very young and in quite traumatic circs which made her cling to her mum even more inspite of her being a very indifferent mother.

Yes - went travelling and stayed in Oz for two years. Completely different time line, so hardly any communication with any of my family. Hate to say it, but it was bliss!! Much easier when they got back as they were used to not having as much contact plus know how busy I am with work, diy and baby...