Hello,
I have never posted before. I have 'lurked' for a longtime and have been very grateful to you all for the advice and giggles I have received reading all your posts. Thank you.
The reason I am posting now is because there is a really difficult situation affecting a close family member of mine and I would really value all your collective wisdom on the matter (I may show any responses I get to this post to her). I will try and keep the long back story concise and I am going to try to do this in a fairly neutral way as I would like her to see your responses as an objective evaluation of her situation. I am also trying to keep this as anonymous as possible so there is no chance of her being identified.
Woman is late 30s (I will call her Kate). Kate has two children of late primary school age. One girl one boy. Boy is eldest, going to secondary school next year. Kate met her partner in late teens, got together properly in early twenties. Buy house together. Son born. Relationship goes rocky. He cheats. Aggressive towards her when she says she won't give kids his surname (they are not married at this stage). Child given his surname. Relationship difficult but living together. Another child conceived very soon, only one school year apart. Relationship continues to be difficult, lots of breaking up and making up. Kate moves out for a short while with kids And rents a short distance away. Lots of info very hazy as Kate is rather secretive but I think he may have broken her finger around this time. She moves back, they get married. Relationship continues to deteriorate. He punches her, gives her a black eye (she tried to hide this from family). Lots and lots of physical and emotional abuse. Things in home often broken. Kate's mother fears for her daughters life, teaches children how to call 999. They live remotely and no neighbours etc. to ask for help. Eventually Kate decides to move out. Buys home in near by village. Husband continues to use her new home as if it is his own, comes and goes as he pleases, stays over etc. big incident two years ago when family discovered large bruise on daughter in an intimate place. Caused by dad biting her . Family call police. Social services involved. Both attend domestic violence courses. Kate feels that there are women's in far worse situations than her and course seems to have effect of minimising her concerns. Family have been consistent in telling Kate to leave, to get police involved to protect her and kids. I sent copy of the Lundy book (thanks mumsnet for the recommendation). He finds book in her home, takes it away and reads it! Husband sees other women. Kate gets jealous and tries to split them up. Husband now wants a divorce, Kate reluctant to get divorce and decent financial settlement (he is wealthy, home owned outright, trust fund to live off, gives nothing to Kate for the kids, she works four jobs and claims benefits). Kate grew up in a house with an alcoholic father. Kate's mother never left her father. Kate feels she wants her kids to have a relationship with father, as she would have hated to have missed out on the relationship she had with her own dad, he died three years ago).
Sorry, that is so long! Thank you if you are still reading. I obviously have a strong view on this, but I would like to hear what mumsnetters would advise Kate to do now? I think she is a bit reluctant about divorce and making a clear end to the relationship.
Thank you xxx