sons dad trying to get back in touch

[Justwanttomoveon]

Split with ds dad about a year ago, he was/is alcohol and cocaine dependant and cheated on me, he left for the ow who is now 6 months pregnant.
I have posted before about this.

Anyway, I went no contact with him 3 months ago as when he did have contact with ds, it had to be at my home as the few times he's taken ds out he has ended up in a pub with him. I couldn't stand being around him so went out and left them at mine and when he fell asleep whilst with ds I cut contact completely. DS is only 4 and has special needs, no understanding of danger so I don't trust ex to look after him properly.

TBH it also broke me finding out he had another baby on way. I know I shouldn't care, he was a shit partner and a shit dad but I cant switch off my feelings no matter how much I want to. We were together 20 years and it hurt like hell that he moved on so easily.

So, like I said, no contact for 3 months, then on Monday evening he calls my landline from a withheld number and I was shocked to hear from him so wasn't prepared at all. He said he wants to see DS, I ask if he's still on drugs which he said no. I know this isn't true as we have mutual friends. Anyway I didn't give him a definite answer either way and he said he'd call again.

In the last 3 months I've really turned a corner, got on with my life, started a degree, joined a gym, given up smoking, eating healthily.... and then I hear from him and my motivation for everything has gone. I've unplugged the land line but he has been calling 3 times a day since Thursday (I know because my phone logs it).

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing in stopping him seeing DS but I really can't handle having any contact whatsoever with him, it literally makes me ill. If he was a decent dad then of course I would have to put my feelings aside but he isn't. I'm sure if I allowed contact then initially he would be the perfect dad but it wouldn't last and isn't it better for DS to have a happy mum than seeing his dad for a couple of hours a week and his mum being depressed? I don't know, I am so annoyed with myself for letting him get to me but don't seem to be able to stop myself from feeling this way. I don't have anyone in real life who I can talk to about this as I have become fairly isolated since DS was born, he doesn't cope well in social situations and has frequent 'meltdowns'. My mum and sister are sick of hearing about him (even though I have barely mentioned anything for the last 3 months) and just say "he's a tosser, why do you let him get to you?" The thing is, if I knew how to not let him get to me I would do that!

I don't know what I'm expecting from posting this, just feel so down today and crying whilst typing this - I'm pathetic. I could slap myself. Apologies for the miserable tone of this post to anyone who has taken the time to read.

You don't have to do anything hastily. I'm assuming there's no formal contact order in place? Is he likely to take you to court to get one if you refuse access? Is his neglectful behaviour and drug addiciton documented anywhere.... ie would you have evidence to point to if you were trying to prove that he was not a fit person to be in sole charge of DS?

Thanks for replying Cog.
There is some documentation with the police over physical abuse towards me a few years ago, he was also in court in the past year for physically abusing his current girlfriend although I'm not sure what came of that.
He has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with psychotic tendencies about 13 years ago and is on sickness benefit due to mental health issues and hasn't actually had any kind of formal work for a good few years. He says he doesn't want to go to court but that doesn't mean he wont.
God he is awful, I really cant understand why I have any feelings left. I would never in a million years take him back but having to have any sort of contact with him dredges things up. He comes across as though he just wants to be there for ds (and me - which is a joke!) but when he has had the opportunity to spend time with ds he doesn't do anything other than watch tv whilst ds is in the same room on his ipad, or gets ds on his ipad in bed whilst he falls asleep.
Most people think he's a great guy - well the people HE knows, the life and soul of any party, always up for a laugh.
I am aware I was in a co-dependent relationship, I spent the majority of our relationship doing everything for him and when I had ds I stopped doing as much for him as our ds came first, which is why he left for ow.

Get hold of your health visitor and talk to her about this and then it will be officially documented. Assuming he doesn't have thousands of pounds he will struggle to take you to court. I would also speak to your gp about your concerns too again because it would be logged. Have you spoken to Womens aid? They can offer free counselling and help, they understand how you feel and that can help too.
If there is evidence of domestic violence within the last two years you could potentially get legal aid.
Most solicitors do a free 30 minute appointment why not find one of those and see what they say do you have all the information?
Contact could be at a contact centre with you in another room so you don't have to see him? He would have to pay they arrange it with him not you. Could that be an option?
If there is a safeguarding issue you are within your rights to refuse contact and tell him to take you to court only you know if he is likely to do that?

Would you consider a contact centre? It allows him contact, you don't have to be present when it happens and if he's flaky it will be documented. If he later took you to court, your offer of a contact centre would demonstrate that you were being cautious but not obstructive.

thanks for taking the time to reply.

Domestic violence wasn't in the last 2 years so no legal aid.

I would allow supervised contact centre access and see how my son copes with it. Because he is autistic he does struggle with new places and routines and because he is non verbal he gets easily frustrated as he cant articulate how he feels. I have previously told my ex that he could see him in a contact centre. My health visitor is aware as the police contacted her when he was violent towards me, my sons school are also aware of the drug and alcohol abuse.