Starting to date again (anxiety related)

[Ohbollocksandballs]

This is more of a what would you do I suppose.

Bit of background, I split with DS dad in Sept, he was EA, and still tries to be. Since half way through my relationship with him I have suffered with anxiety which comes and goes.

Recently (just over a week ago) I have met someone new, and since then the anxiety has gone through the roof. I'm currently taking 25mg imipramine and 4x 10mg of propanolol per day.

He seems like a nice guy, known him since high school but only recently got back in touch. He knows about my past with ex, and understands about how ive been feeling. I can't fault him, rationally. He has been here most evenings, calls/texts whenever he can, and I feel totally calm and relaxed when I'm with him. However the stupid anxiety over really daft things is making me wonder if I should stop it from going any further. I'm constantly pressuring him about where it's going (after a week, fucking ridiculous I know), getting worried about other women, even when his name pops up on my phone I get that horrible pang, and im reading way too much into absolutely everything. The rational side of me knows that if I carry on I'll push him away but I still can't help letting the anxious side get the better of me sometimes.

I think you should take a few big steps back from this. It's only been six months since the split, you're lonely, anxious, on medication and you have not had chance to establish yourself yet as a confident, independent person. I don't think you should be letting your time and emotions be monopolised by one person..... the way you describe it, in the space of a week he's practically moved in. See him less frequently, make time to be with other friends, do your own thing ... you know. Have a life of your own.

I see entirely where you're coming from, however I feel as though because I really want something to come of this, I shouldn't allow the feeling anxious to get in the way of it.

I appreciate that I need to take a step back and consider things from an outside perspective though.

I'm not explaining myself properly, sorry. If you want something to come of it, you have to take a big step back and be more independent. The type of man who finds clingy, needy women appealing is not the type you want to be with, trust me. If you have a more rounded, more balanced, more self-reliant life.... friends, work, family, hobbies, interests..... and make a boyfriend a small part of the bigger picture rather than monopolising your whole time, then a) you won't need him to prop up your self-esteem and b) you will have options if/when you decide he's not all that.

It's nice you feel calm and relaxed with him but you can still reduce his visits to once or twice week, don't return texts instantly, don't wait by the phone and don't be frightened to say 'I'm busy' occasionally.... because you have other things to do.

You're exactly right, and that's what I'm trying to push myself into doing, he is round tonight so I will broach the subject. I feel it's better to talk about these things in person so nobody gets the wrong end of things.

I often find my anxiety peaks around people who I spend a lot of time with, DS is an exception to this of corse. I imagine that if he is as lovely as he seems, he will understand.

Don't want to be a pain but try not to think in terms of 'broaching the subject'. 'Broaching the subject' is what people say when they are tippy-toeing around, frightened to cause offence and hurt feelings. You'll end up either bottling out and saying nothing or you'll fudge the message so much he won't realise anything has changed.

Please be assertive about it. You're fresh out of a nasty break-up, you have anxiety issues, and you need to establish your new life as an independent woman before you can think in terms of LTRs. Whilst you enjoy the time you spend together, it needs to go slower.

Cogito has given some great advice in my opinion. You're still feeling the effects of your last relationship by the sounds of it. Take it slowly and find your independence and self-esteem. He will understand.

It's hard but try not to overanalyse things - it's another form of investing way too much in something new and bad practice if you have a propensity for worrying about things going wrong.

Ok I wont broach! what I plan to say is sort of along the lines of 'please don't take this the wrong way, as whilst I do enjoy spending time with you, and want to continue doing so, I feel as though it's sort of a bit much, too soon and needs to slow down quite a bit', then sort of go from there?

Yay arsenal I overanalyse everything, and I know why I do it. When I learned everything that exp had been up to I always thought I should have noticed or seen at least a sign, and now I'm over vigilant as a result.

YY* not yay, thanks autocorrect

That sounds good. State your needs and feelings, be specific about what happens next (so you might have to define what 'slow down' actually looks like) and, if someone is a decent person who respects you and wants to have a good relationship with you, they will take you seriously.

' Here most evenings' really is too full on after a week.

I think I know exactly where you are coming from. I split from my EA ex nearly two years ago and we have a young DD together.

I started dating someone about five months after the split. I wasn't ready but I thought it didn't matter. It culminated in me acting completely batshit crazy: anxious and paranoid and I wrecked it. It was too intense. It's weird because at the time I felt desperate to make it work but completely sabotaged it.

When it ended I took several months out and spent time on me. I started dating someone about six months ago and it's lovely. I'm much more confident in myself but I still get anxious and have massive doubts about the whole "relationship" side of things. Like I just don't know sometimes how things are supposed to go and it worries me.

I think cog is right. You need to concentrate on getting yourself back. Knowing yourself again and relearning what is normal and what is you just "wanting to make it work."

You don't need to see him and speak to him everyday at this stage.
Take your time. See friends, do things for you. After coming out of that kind of marriage you really do need to discover yourself again. A relationship is the last piece of the puzzle. This early on you don't know if you do want to make it work. You're still learning about somebody. Go on fun dates rather than having him round your house often. That's yours and your DS's home, keep something back until you are sure you are in the right place and it's going somewhere.

Thankyou so much all of you for your advice. I wasn't married to exp (thankfully)!

I have spoken to him in the phone and briefly mentioned it, and he seemed to get in a bit of a bad mood about it. Just text asking what was wrong and I got 'I'll ring you later'. Sent my anxiety mad. Told him not to bother if he's going to take an attitude with me when ive done nothing wrong.

At this stage it should be so simple and uncomplicated.

I think you're right about the house thing, our home used to feel like my little 'safe place' and since him it's not the same anymore.

Stupidly ive let myself rely on him and get used to him being here/speaking to him all of the time.

I'm not sure I should get involved in something where someones mood can have such an effect on me. I guess it's all part of finding my way/feet again. I'm only just 23, so I'm sure that something will come my way eventually.

If he's gone cold on you just because you've asked for a little space, that's poor. No, you shouldn't be reliant on one person - ever - and you should think long and hard before inviting someone into your home when you have children. Please restore your home to that safe place you talk about & make a big effort to get back in touch with friends (or make new friends) and do other things.

BTW.. does 'I'm sure that something will come my way eventually' mean that you're worried you won't have another long term relationship? What's the longest in your adult life (say since age 16) that you've been properly independent, single and responsible for yourself? Are you finding it disorientating?

I am worried I won't find something again. I have never been single until now in a situation where I have been entirely independent (eg not living with parents).

It's very disorientating. I think it's also exacerbated by the monotomy of being a single parent, where sometimes every day just seems to be a repeat of the previous.

Then that's even more reason to get to grips with independence. I've been a lone parent for coming up to 15 years (from birth) and yes, it can be monotonous. But you have to be resourceful and imaginative, getting to know friends, looking after each other's children, and carving out a social life.

I found, for example, inviting friends over for something to eat and a video was cheaper and easier than going out to a pub and staved off the loneliness. I recruited the next door neighbour's teenager to be my regular (cut-price) babysitter one night a week so that I could go do a hobby for a couple of hours. Work was another good way to be sociable - do you have a job?

Takes a bit of time and effort but you are much more likely to end up in a good relationship if you can take care of yourself and are not desperate for someone to take care of you.

I separated from my husband in September, like you & he was abusive too. I'm 12 years your senior though!

I am giving myself at least another 18 months before I even contemplate dating. I'm just using this time to have fun, watch lots of bands and reinstate friendships. I owe myself a bit of an easy time and you do to. Things with this new relationship of yours don't sound easy or fun, it sounds stressful! Don't do this to yourself. I think you might be focussing on this guy because the job of focussing on yourself seems too overwhelming. You do not need someone to rescue you, you sound like you are perfectly capable of rescuing yourself. You can still flirt and snog a few random in this time but settling for someone so quickly will lead to more stress and low feelíngs down the line. Take care of yourself and your feelings like you would your DS's. Be self protective.

Single parenthood can be monotonous but dating at the same time when you're not in a good place can be all consuming! One of my biggest regrets is wasting months thinking about some bloody useless bloke and only being half present while spending time with my daughter. Not focussing on her cos I was waiting for the next call or the next text. It can be so distracting.

A relationship should enhance everything and if it isn't either it's not right or you're not ready. Timing is everything.

If it was meant to be, he will understand your need to back off and it will endure it

Exactly you are all right. I feel so much better to hear everything I was thinking said by someone else.
I don't work at the minute but I am at university full time finishing my law degree. You would think that would be enough to keep be sufficiently busy

I do need to get a hobby, do something for me that isn't university or running errands.

Plans changed for tonight, instead of seeing him my friend is coming round and we're attempting to ombré my hair. Hopefully I don't end up looking a twat...

Still haven't heard anything. Text saying that I don't think its the right time for me, and hopefully he will understand etc. Heard nothing as of yet but feel a lot calmer now. DS is currently throwing chicken at the cat.

ohbollocks hope you don't mind me hijacking you, but my OH suffers from anxiety and lots of the things you say could be him speaking. Would you mind clarifying what you mean by I often find my anxiety peaks around people who I spend a lot of time with?
We get on so well for ages, then he mentions feeling pressured, stops all affection and really withdraws into himself, wanting only to spend time with his family and virtually ignores me. I don't know if the best thing to do is give him space, but then I worry we'll break up, or to keep reassuring him that I love him and I'll be there for him.
Your perspective would be really helpful, if you don't mind

Of corse not. I would reassure him and give him the space he needs.

A prime example is my mum. She comes down most evenings for an hour or so and I can't help but get anxious because she's always around, it's difficult to explain really. Possibly because ive felt anxious around her before subconsciously I think it will happen again.

Thank you, I used to see him every night for an hour or so because I thought that would reassure him, but since the last outburst we see each other less often, but do something properly together, like the pub or a film or a meal. I think I worry more than he does about 'us'; I can't help feeling he's going to break up with me sometimes because that would be within his control, rather than him leaving it to chance and worrying about me breaking up with him. Does that even make sense?!?
Appreciate your advice, hope the hair went well! x

I doubt he will want to break up with you, I appreciate that it is difficult having a partner that suffers with anxiety though!

It went very well (I think) thankyou!