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Original poster

Just Gotta Say I'm Very Annoyed/Sad......

16 replies

glitterchick · 26/10/2006 20:24

Not looking for advice as such but won't be discussing/bitching with anyone else so decided to throw it up here.
My DH and loads of buddies go to Portugal every year on a golfing trip. He missed the trip 2 years ago because our DD1 was born and he missed this year because we had DD2. I never thought it was appropriate for him to go on the trip in the first place (trip is for 11 days) but I would never say 'you're not allowed go!' I don't own him, nor does he own me! However, I am very sad/annoyed that he has made the decision (without discussing with me) to go again in Mar 2007. I stumbled across an e-mail in his inbox today (I wasn't snooping) outlining his travel itinerary for his trip. I did mention to him some months back that he should think very carefully about the Portugal thing because the kids pine for him and also because of the difficulty for me but he went ahead and did it anyway without asking/discussing with me. I have been totally excluded from his plans.
I find it very hard to understand how he feels it's ok to head off and leave 4 young children when he doesn't have to. Apart from anything else I will be here on my own looking the children for the duration of the trip which will be a nightmare. I guarantee you he will offer for my MIL to come and stay but that would be a total bleedin nightmare, I'd rather be on my own with kids at that rate.
My DH is a good father and husband and I love him but his actions are like and young, free, single man. Feel like us lot are way down the pecking order and bottom line is that I am embarrassed by him heading and have to grin and pretend I don't mind.
Sorry for totally long winded message. I'm sure you've all dropped dead with boredom!! I'm just sad

OP posts:

DetentionGrrrl · 26/10/2006 20:32

Perhaps he's just looking for the right time to ask / mention it, or he got emailed the itinery anyway by one of the mates without him asking? I don't think i'd like my fella going away for 11days, but we share all the same mates and interests, so i've never had to worry. You say he missed 2 of these trips through family responsibility before- would it be so bad for him to go? He doesn't HAVE to leave his kids and you, but maybe, just this once, he needs some 'me' time? Perhaps i'm just waffling unhelpfully, just a thought

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/10/2006 20:33

I dont blame you, actually

That is pretty selfish behaviour. You are a couple, and he is a parent. It's not that he shouldn't go, but that he hasnt had the decency to discuss it with you.

I'd be tempted to tell him he has to ask permission from the children as to whether he is allowed to go and see what happpens.

TheDaVinciCod · 26/10/2006 20:34

my dh dos that
he tells me later whne he htinks it will fo wodn well

11 days is a long time

i tell mine he can go on one every other year
he is finew ith it

riab · 26/10/2006 20:35

Let him go but book yourself a trip away once he gets back. I agree that maybe he (and you) need some 'me time' but he should discuss it with you and he probably doesn't get how much hard work it is when you are on your own.

Book a two night (or as long as you can afford/bear to be away) break at a hotel or stay with friends and give him a first hand taste of coping with 4 young uns!

divastrop · 26/10/2006 20:35

i think its unreasonable of him to just assume its ok to go without discussing it with you first.how do you think he'd react if the roles were reversed and you announced you were going away with your friends for over a week and he was looking after the children on his own?

divastrop · 26/10/2006 20:36

x posts with riab

Mirage · 26/10/2006 20:40

Oh dear.I can see your reasons for being upset.Have you ever gone away & had some time to yourself whilst he looks after the children?I am not say this in a 'sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander' way,but wondered if he had any idea at all what it is like looking after 4 young children on his own?

I do think that a lot of men seem to take it for granted that they can carry on pretty much as they did before they had the responsibility of a family.I'd include my dh in this,as he has just rearranged his working weekend without consulting me at all.I had told him & written on the calendar that dd1,my mum & I have tickets for a matinee that weekend & he had agreed that he would look after dd2 whilst we went.I had also arranged to go out with a group of friends that weekend too,which I will have to cancel.I have to reaarange my whole weekend to suit him & he hasn't batted an eyelid!

Didn't mean to rant there,but just wanted to let you know that yo are not alone.

wrinklytum · 26/10/2006 20:56

Reckon he should have discussed it with you first.I dont suppose you would swan off and leave him with the kids for 11 days with no prior discussion!!!!

I truly think men are on a different planet sometimes.I had arranged to have a girly morning shopping on Sat.with my heavily pregnant friend for things for new baby.This is the first"Me" time I have had since April.Told dp about it.Tonight he comes in and announces he is working Saturday and Sunday overtime.No discussion or anything.Grrr.

BloodyTenaLady · 26/10/2006 21:01

Hmm obviously feels guilty about this up and coming trip but still doesnt want to miss out on it.

4 young children you say, I can see why he might want a break as our men folk just dont tick the same about the kids like we do.

Personally, (and no doubt you are the same) I couldnt leave mine for more than two nights and even that would be with my dh. My dh on the other hand takes off at a moments notice, France last week for a week and barely asks how our little horror is doing.

He is desperate for a break and I think I would go with it providing he makes ample one to one time for you and the kids.

Fluffybubble · 26/10/2006 21:56

Could he not go for a shorter period of time - 11 days is a long time!!

If he could get a cheap Easyjet-type flight back maybe you could compromise on the length of the trip, rather than it being a go/don't go issue...

If he hasn't been upfront about it it's probably because he knows how you would feel - if you don't ask him to give it up completely you may have the opportunity to negotiate...

zubb · 26/10/2006 22:13

Just curious but would this still be an issue if it was for work?

I've just agreed to a 6 day trip next month that means going away on a Sunday and haven't told dh yet. He's away today with the kids so I'll tell him tomorrow. He'll have to look after the boys (5,3 and 1) - although I will have to get a schedule together to get them to and from schools & pre-schools.
Is that OK because it's something that I have to do rather than would like to?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2006 07:44

Hi glitterchick

You have my sympathies. You need to talk to him about this proposed 11 days in Portugal calmly and without rancour. Tell him how you feel and what arrangements can be made to assist you and make you feel better about this. That particularly is important. It is unfortunate that you came across this mail first off without him discussing it with you beforehand.

He has missed two such trips - well yes but your two youngest children were born then!!!.

My DH did tell me before he went to Spain on a long weekend with two of his friends but I still found it hard (loneliness was a huge problem) and I only have the one child to care for.

I felt torn - I didn't want to be the baddy here (his work was hard and he wanted to go and have some time away from it) and say no but it certainly didn't help me any when evil MIL piped up, "oh a few days away would do him good". What about me then?. Of that of course there was no mention. I can see why you do not want your MIL there. She sounds just as "helpful" as mine.

I told him he could go to Spain so he did but would I agree to a further trip - I would have to think about it very carefully. DS also missed his Dad a lot.

I have also heard him say that time honoured phrase, "well you can go away for a few days as well" but truth is I don't really want to (I would NOT enjoy being on holiday without them) besides which my own friends have lives of their own and cannot just readily drop everything (think he forgets that). I got the argument from him as well that a lot of women go away on their own (well I personally do not know of a female parent at DS's school who has done this). Personally speaking for myself only I would rather spend time together on a short break as a family (am on my own often enough as it is!!).

Yorkiegirl · 27/10/2006 07:53

Message withdrawn

ludaloo · 27/10/2006 07:55

would he be happy if you went away for 11 days??

CristinaTheAstonishing · 27/10/2006 08:02

A friend's DH is totally engulfed in his golf too. Also does the annual Portugal thing. But 11 days? That surely is far, far too long, considering how short annual holidays are. How much does he get, 4-6 weeks, out of which 2 weeks spent away/ That's too long, especially with 4 kids at home. I can see how you get upset by this.

DastardlyDevilishDior · 27/10/2006 08:15

Mine has been snowboarding every year since ds was born. All trips have been at least 8 days. When ds was young, I hated it. Now, I have lots of people to see so I book them up and make sure we have lots planned to do. We have lots of treats and meals out. In fact, we have a fab time.

However, I do remember the horror of his trips during the first two years of ds' life. It was horrendous, so you have my sympathy

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