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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mum's told me something and I can't stop thinking about it Possible Triggers

23 replies

hedleylamarre · 07/03/2015 00:56

I'm not sure if this is in the right place, but first post and will defer to more experienced MNers if it needs moving.

A few months ago, during the course of a conversation, my Mum, who I love dearly, told me she had been raped at some point in her life (it isn't recent). I am glad she told me as I'd suspected there was something troubling in her past, but it was clear that that was all she was going to say about it, which is understandable, but at the same time I've found it quite difficult to deal with, mainly because I don't know when it was and more importantly whether or not the sick fuck that ever did it was punished. I know my Dad knows, but I don't know whether he knows I know, and I'm not sure whether it really is best to let sleeping dogs lie on this one: I don't know what would be gained by knowing more about it, but sometimes the thought flashes into my head and I feel so sick and angry that the person who did it could be walking around out there, Scott free. Am I better off just leaving things and getting on with things as they were?
I don't want to talk to my Mum about it because it isn't fair on her to go through it, but I don't have anyone else to talk to about this.

OP posts:

ArabellaStrange · 07/03/2015 01:23

I see no reason why you couldn't approach Rape Crisis about this.
Sadly, I don't think you can really get your mum to fill in the blanks, as talking about what happened is probably something that she wants to avoid doing.
Is there any way that you could talk to your Dad about it?

mrsneilgaiman · 07/03/2015 01:32

My DM was raped as a young woman. I found it difficult to hear. It has explained some things about her life and my teen years. The man wasn't punished. I sometimes wonder if he is still out there, still hurting people.

I don't want to know more about my Mum's rape, but you aren't alone.

Original poster

hedleylamarre · 07/03/2015 01:32

What would I say to them though? I'm not familiar with them or whether they could help me.
I want to ask my Dad about it, but it's finding the time (we do talk regularly, but this would be one of those conversatioms) and the words, and if my Mum's confided in my Dad, I don't know whether or not she'd be happy with him telling me. As far as my Mum's concerned (and to an extent I very much agree) that was in the past and she's moved on.

OP posts:

Original poster

hedleylamarre · 07/03/2015 01:37

Thank you. Is it wrong that I want to know what happened?

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mrsneilgaiman · 07/03/2015 01:54

I found talking to my DF VERY unhelpful. He had his own shit about it, anger and stuff I didn't want to hear about.

Nothing is wrong if it's a feeling, it's what you do with it. You can want to know but this 'belongs' to your DM. You can let her know that she can talk to you about it anytime.

Original poster

hedleylamarre · 07/03/2015 02:19

It just seems odd, I feel selfish that I keep thinking about it when my Mum's dealt with it. I will tell her that though.
It felt odd on the day though: Mum told me, conversation continued along other lines, and then we got on with the rest of the day, Mum was fine and was happy and like normal, but it took me a while to mentally adjust to it

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mrsneilgaiman · 07/03/2015 02:31

It's your Mum, your MUM. Of course it's upsetting. Don't feel selfish. She's your foundation and at some point she was a rape victim. The whole world is different now. At least that's how I felt.

I used to get angry before and was always a feminist but this one burns. When people victim blame and make rape jokes it's not just offensive now; they're talking about my mother.

However, now, a few years on, I don't think about it very much.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 07/03/2015 02:54

I understand how upsetting this is for you (for all the reasons that mrsn says ), but this is her hurt and nothing you can do now can make it go away, and although she has confided in you, you might hurt her - and DF - by pushing this further

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2015 02:59

I can understand your feelings, but remember that it happened to your mum and it is her story to tell or not. If you are not 100% positive that your father knows and 100% positive that your mum wouldn't mind you talking to him, then say nothing to him.

Sometimes there are just situations that we can't resolve the way we want to. This may be one of them.

I speak from experience. I had something happen to me as a child that I briefly mentioned to my son as he went through something similar. I didn't go into detail, nor would I even if he asked. Nor would I appreciate him asking his father about it. It's mine, I shared what was comfortable for me. Please think carefully before you take this any further.

QueenB14 · 07/03/2015 03:12

My nan died in the 60s leaving my grandad to raise 7 children. In those days a man raising children alone just wasn't done . I found out recently that whilst in respite care my dad was sexually abused and witness an auntie being abused. I don't know many details and will wait to be told if ever nut will not push it.

so my advice is leave it be for now

QueenB14 · 07/03/2015 03:14

It does hurt to imagine your parent so vulnerable though so I do sympathise xx

sadwidow28 · 07/03/2015 03:15

I am agreeing with ATP.

This is your Mum's story and she made a huge leap of faith in verbalising it to you. That is all she wanted to tell you at that time. It may be all she wants you to know - ever.

Please don't think about putting your Dad in an invidious position by asking him to break a confidence.

There is absolutely nothing you can do even if you knew more details about the perpetrator. You can't report it nor can you see he gets his just deserts. (I am assuming it was a male/female rape and not female/female).

Look up Survivors Trust. Chat to one of their support organisations

I think you are feeling angry but helpless at the moment. You can't fix everything in life. Are you usually a 'fixer'?

blueberrypie0112 · 07/03/2015 04:47

My aunt told us that our mother was raped and gave her child up for adoption. My dad was furious with my aunt because we weren't suppose to know about any of this stuffs .my mom passed away so we found out after she died.We also found out she and her siblings were very abused by their father too. And how mom would throw rocks at his grave. We always knew mom was a very depressed person. There were some days where she just couldn't function at all. My grandma also told me that her rapist (it was her ex boyfriend) called my grandma after my dad's funeral asking about my half brother who was given up for adoption. My grandma hung up and told me he does not deserve to know any of these details. (They live in a small town so everyone knows everyone's number)

Best you can do is be there for her no matter how upset it makes you feel. She may be your mother but she still human and can't always be strong (I know when you were younger, she had to be strong and kept it from you) .

Joysmum · 07/03/2015 08:21

Hmm, it's a tough one that's close to my heart.

When I told DH about my experience. He didn't say much and never mentioned it again till I fell apart

He told me he didn't because he didn't think I'd want to talk about it but I told him because I needed to. I also think it was hard for him and it hurt him to think that is been hurt and that I'd never told him before. I also think he'd started to pick over in his head whether anything since we'd been together could have made things worse for me without him realising it.

My advice, say to your mum you appreciate how hard it was telling you,how much you love her and that you're always there if she ever wants to talk anything though.

That's an acknowledgement and a reassurance without prying.

youbethemummylion · 07/03/2015 08:31

My DH knows I was raped and has been quietly supportive. I can't see I would ever feel the need to tell my children. Especially tell them and then not want it to be mentioned again. I think this is strange behaviour from your DO and perhaps a cry for help iyswim.

youbethemummylion · 07/03/2015 08:32

KarmaNoMore · 07/03/2015 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueberrypie0112 · 07/03/2015 08:51

I don't think it is strang for some mothers to tell their adult kids. Maybe they want to let their know they can understand if their child have been a victim. Or maybe their child showed some ignorance about the situation (like victim blaming) and she wants to let her know it isn't always the case as she been there. I always wondered why my mother was always like she is compare to others and it helped me understand her more . My MIL have been abused to and she did tell her kids about it.

pocketsaviour · 07/03/2015 10:24

My son once asked why his dad (who passed away) and I worked with survivors of abuse. Was it because we had been abused? As he asked straight out I had to make a snap decision and told him yes, we had both been abused as children. It's not a revelation I had ever wanted to make to him, but truth telling is important to him (and me). This was when he was 16.

The relationship dynamic is upset by this because as the parent, I should not be putting the burdens of my trauma on my child. He felt that I was a victim and therefore he should support me. He also felt very sad and angry about it and needed support with that, but didn't feel he could ask me for support since that would be making things worse. So it was all a bit messy.

(I ended up saying that it had happened a very long time ago and although it was very painful and made me sad for a long time, I had been able to get over it with help, but that I didn't want to talk about any of the details with him. I also didn't want to talk about his dad's situation as I did not know what his dad would have wanted me to say, if anything; we had never discussed it before he died.)

I would say, acknowledge your feelings of sadness and anger, but discuss them with your husband or partner, or with your friends, or your therapist, but please don't take your anger and pain to your mum. It is not her burden to bear.

Original poster

hedleylamarre · 07/03/2015 17:22

Thank you to everyone who responded, it's been very helpful to get some perspective on this as I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. I didn't want to push it with my Mum, but will take on board the advice about letting her know she can talk if she wants to. I know it sounds very selfish, as it didn't happen to me, but it's been a little difficult to get my head around it. I'm not going to let it keep bothering me though.

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Meerka · 07/03/2015 18:49

I think it's a very good idea to speak to Rape Crisis about this. They deal with all sort of sexual abuse including historical and are very experienced in all the extremely difficult emotions around it.

Original poster

hedleylamarre · 08/03/2015 02:25

Thank you, I will.

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PeppermintCrayon · 08/03/2015 09:42

Do talk to someone. It's totally understandable that you need to; this is a kind of secondary trauma.

Don't ask her for details though. It's totally understandable that you want them but it's best not to ask.

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