Struggling with DH's work & absence

[livingstondaisy]

Sorry. This will be long and I can't even believe that I am posting here.

We have been married for 10 years, all great until recently (3years) when my husbands job has meant he spends several months away at a time, often, due to the nature of his work, with no email or phone calls.

This is likely to continue for a minimum of three years. There is no choice to leave early. Armed forces.

I am so fed up of being everything to everyone. Holding the fort at home, supporting the children through missing him and all the other upsets of being a teeny person. I work full time in a demanding job. I have no friends within 500 miles and little chance to make any as I have to work in the evenings from home and pretty much housebound at night by having small children and am exhausted anyway.

I don't know what to do. I love my husband but resent having to do all that I do. How can you be happily married to someone who is absent?

What has tipped me to tears tonight is that he was supposed to be in a city 200 miles away for a day so we arranged for us to go and see him. I told the kids, all very excited and now it has changed and he won't be there now. I have yet to tell the children. We have had so many things cancelled or changed. While I know he would do ANYTHING to change the situation he can't.

When he is home he feels awkward. It's not really his home now I suppose. He feels that he has to prove his worth and struggles to fit in as everything is run to the way I do things.

How can I make things better? I have caught myself thinking about how it would be to be a single parent. I wouldn't feel the rejection I do now when it feels like I am being stood up. My kids might even get to see more of their dad who knows. I am just so sad, fed up of being alone and doing everything with absolutely no support. I don't know whether to call it a day and go forward with my children on my own.

Hmmm - it is 3 more years.

Is there anything else you could change that would make life more enjoyable for that time? Are his postings likely to improve over the next 3 years?

Oh dear that does sound really really tough. I dont know what to suggest at all. There's a forces thread here where you might find others in the same boat who know more than me.

Thank you both.

It is not likely to be any better until he leaves, which is 3 years at the earliest. He is supposed to be home a minimum of every second weekend at the moment but since August he has been back 15 days in total.

I am so sad. He is so sad.

I could give up work and that would take a lot of pressure off me but I enjoy working and it is the only bit of the original me left. I am good at my job and get satisfaction from it.

We spoke about marriage guidance but he would not be able to attend. I don't think we actually need that because when we are together for more than a week we are fine, it's great.

I don't want to post on a forces page in case I am recognised but will have a look and read what it says.

It gets better as the kids get older. They become more company, and you're not quite as tied (I can walk the dogs before mine get up in the morning, for example, couldn't when they were littler). The last minute changes are awful, I've often said a few long trips are easier than lots of short ones because of the changes of the journeys (mine does 3-4 months away per year, in anything from a few days to a month away at a time). I never tell the kids anything definite till it's definite definite. They're big enough to be told "mights" now though.

My lifesaver was friends with similarly complicated lives - e.g deceased parents, and shift working oh. They helped me out, I helped them out. We still do.

My lowest moment was once, when he drove off at 1am, in the snow, and as he went the garage door came off it's runners... so I was there at 1am fixing the damn thing. I knew that over the next few days, countless things would go wrong... but you just keep going and it gets better. While your work must be hard, I think it's great - I wasn't working when they were little, and that was really lonely when he was gone.

Be kind to yourself, cut corners on things like cooking/takeaways/eating out, I've sent out ironing when he was away before (I don't really know why now, as I rarely iron! but it helped!). I don't really like going out much when he's away, but when they were little, and especially when he was on a long trip (say 2 months), I used to pay babysitter to let me go to my swimming club - seemed expensive, but was really good for me, my mental health. He was in agreement that the reason he got some of his allowances was to help cover these extra costs.

I've also just thought - SSAFA were really helpful to a friend with support while she was deployed - helped when her partner injured himself, etc.

Keep on keeping on, it will get better, you will work out coping strategies. But know that you're not alone. (Mine's away now - I quite like the chance to do things my way without having to consider him - but I'll be glad to get him back).

Thank you theonewiththeterrinlename
I feel horrible to think about being a lone parent but it is almost a self preservation thing. I can't feel let down if I am not waiting on him and having plans changed.

I could look at having a babysitter one night a week. I am feeling very sorry for myself. I just find it unbelievable in this day and age that people are expected to go weeks with no communication other than what I call the poison pen letter from the MOD to update you.

I will try the SSAFA. thank you

You have my sympathy - myDH also armed forces, I work and also have international travel.

It's not so much the planned absence (though your DH's sounds unbearable), but the constant, unending, last minute changes. And dealing with my DD's face when he isn't there in the morning after we have expected him home.

I don't know what to suggest really, except, talk to him. If you can find common ground in missing each other, that's something at least. If you can afford anything to get yourself a break, you must do it.

It is incredibly hard feeling like a single parent when you know someone should be sharing the burden.

We honestly never believed it would get as bad as it has been for the past 5 years. My DH was sent away the day back from paternity leave after I'd been in hospital for a week of it. And of course he was delayed getting home anyway. They told him the day before he went. It hadn't been on his program before he had the paternity leave! It's bloody awful people management. Just shit. It ruins more lives that just the enlisted person, too.

So sorry you're living it too.

It's funny you know, but I kind of prefer no contact, or at least just messages. My dh doesn't travel with a unit, so I've never had the update thing you mention. Years of it means we're fairly in tune. And we know how the flight hassle works now. He doesn't always tell me when he's coming back till he lands in Brize (did that last week).

Honestly, though, I have hated it sometimes in the past. When I was sick, throwing up, having to watch the kids' christmas play or they'd be gutted to have no one seeing them then going home to cook dinner for them, while I was so ill. Having to get a friend to have my kids overnight ( a big ask) while I drove a 500 mile return trip to visit my mother (was only 3 weeks before she died). But I can't think of a job he'd enjoy more while he's deployed (it's dull at home base), and I'm quite proud of him really, and I think we've weathered the worst. TBH, I can't think you'd be better off alone, as he'd still be away for your kids, still being let down by his return. When they were little, eblueys really helped them, and skyping just by typing was a saving too. We also did "dadvent" calendars, of jars with treats (going a good week beyond when he was expected back) etc, something visual. Recordings of him reading stories to the kids, they liked and gave me a night off from reading...

Please try to find time for a coffee with a friend, even if they come over after kids bed time. Don't be brave, ask for help (no one bloody offers, except very busy people). I got sick of people doing the "oh poor him" thing when they'd hear which hot sandy place he was in, what about the poor me.... do talk to ssaffa - they can help with counselling for you, you know, or the kids, if that would help. Maybe take a days leave just to give yourself some breathing space? I want to do this next week if my flexi will allow....

It's a good sign that him being away makes you sad still. Time to get worried when you stop caring.

I wish I could help you with advice but I already think you're doing better than I could. It takes incredible mental toughness to get as far as you already have.