How to get our physical relationship (and marriage) back on track?

[greenasgrass]

DS is nearly 16 months old. We've spent the last 4/5 months firefighting in the face of my return to work, the numerous illnesses that come with going to nursery, truly crap sleep from DS (now much improved thanks to a sleep consultant) and gearing up to apply for a major promotion for DH. To say we've not had much time and energy to focus on us would be an understatement. Our physical relationship was never brilliant tbh but it's basically non-existent now.

Problems: I'm tired and ratty a lot of the time, spent 13 moths bf and now relishing a little bit of personal space, not great about talking about sex thanks to my own embarrassment. He means well but is not what you could call smooth and hadn't had any practice before he met me, he is apparently incapable of coming to bed at the same time as me and the random groping at ill-considered times doesn't help (see personal space issues above).

Any suggestions as to how we can get out of our rut?

Start by doing things that make you feel good about yourself (not things that feel good necessary) and spend as much time as possible talking and connecting with your dh.

This will improve your self confidence and help you reconnect with your husband. I waa totally where you are and kindness to each other during the toddler years is important.

And get over your embarrassment little by little by taking tiny steps, touching more, laughing together, telling your dh how hot he is. Your new baby body might be hitting your self esteem hard but you can overcome that. Just this week I thought to myself, fuck it, I'm getting on top, huge gut saggy breasts and all and just rode him till he came. He loved it, because good men don't give a shit about your gut, they really don't. And the boost it gave me was huge.

Kindness to yourself and dh, and boosting your self esteem will go a long way to restoring the passion you used to have.

My DD is 4 and we are still struggling a bit with sex. It's not that we don't want to, but my husband is a musician/night owl and is more productive then and as I work F/T I need to be in bed around 9 if we might engage in certain activity, so I'm not up really late. DD is very early riser so mornings are out. Have recently realised that I don't want to go out in the evenings as too tired and we try to have 1 night off together at home a week, but that's not enough. So we are taking a day off together in a few weeks and DD is going to nursery. Fairly sure we will go out somewhere like we used to do pre-DD for a long walk, lunch etc. Unlikely to stay in as we'll end up doing jobs, but not ruling out any bedroom antics. I think we need time together more than anything without the stress of household jobs and daily life. We then hope to try a few hours on our own on a weekend if DD goes to a friends (never left her on a weekend and gone out together and family don't live near so always been difficult .). Always struggle with the guilt as we both work quite long hours and feel like we need to give her 100% at weekends but think we have focused a bit too much on that to the detriment of each other. Can you try booking some time in together to just be in each other's company and see where that leads?

You might benefit from relationship counselling. If your physical relationship was 'never brilliant', if you find it difficult to talk about sex, and if your DH doesn't understand that you have to be in the same place as each other in order to have sex ... ... then I think you need some kind of outside intervention to simply get you both talking.

'Tired and ratty' btw usually means that the work/life balance has gone wrong and the fatigue is compounded with resentment.

If you can set aside time to prepare for a promotion, you can find a way to prioritise your relationship. But you both have to think it's equally important.

Thanks all. Ironically, although my body is, shall we say, battle-scarred, it's a better body than before I got pg, because I've somehow lost 3 stone in the last 3 years. So apart from my boobs being unrecognisable, that's not an issue particularly.

Booking in time is a good idea. And Cogito has it spot on: fatigue compounded with resentment. Work is a bit crap at the moment (too little/tedious for me, too much/poor management of it for DH, plus his promotion thing) but home isn't much better. We work in the same office (although we don't work "with" one another IYSWIM), about 40 feet from one another so we never get any space to breathe. Added to the petty, everyday frustrations of running a household and raising a toddler and we're not doing brilliantly. DH doesnt seem to understand that it's going to take time and effort from him as well - he sees it as my problem if I'm not interest but it's not fair on me to expect me to just "get back in the saddle" without some time spent by him making me feel like it's an appealing prospect. Although I recognise that there is an element of me needing to just get started and I'll enjoy it once we get going.

Really, there is so much that is being left unsaid that I think you need outside help to say it. 'Doesn't seem to understand' set against 'not great at talking about sex' means that you are simply not communicating. No-one's talking, no-one's listening, you're both making up your own stories and the resentment is only going to grow.

If you do nothing else, clear your diary, find a babysitter, switch off all distractions, create a relaxed convivial atmosphere and talk.... honestly rather than accusatorily.

My advice is: accept that once you have a baby your relationship changes. Permanently. Usually not for the better. The next few years are going to be hard. Acknowledge this to each other.

It's hard because of the tiredness, loss of freedom and increase in responsibility. In the majority of couples their sex life takes a hit.

It is the responsibility of both of you to work through the above things fairly. It's important that you are both getting a fair share of the lie ins for example. If this doesn't happen, resentment sets in.

Regarding sex my tip would be to start getting used to touching each other again. Hand holding, sitting next to each other. Just getting used to being intimate with each other. This doesn't have to lead to sex but it creates intimacy and closeness.

Children are such are work and every relationship needs to adapt to the challenges they bring. Me and dh discuss this often because we have three and hardly no support.

The early years are the hardest. Don't lose sight of each other. Keep working at it. It gets easier.

Cogito it's virtually impossible to have a dialogue with him - I start and he immediately goes into wounded puppy mode. Meaning I then hold back because it's frustrating, irritating, I feel mean and, well, what's the point?

Does he think there is a problem? Does he accept the problem is two-sided? Does he see a future in the marriage? Would he engage with relationship counselling?

Yes, yes, yes, probably not. We had a good talk this morning, so I'm hopeful we can move on from here.