DF puts MIL's feelings before mine.

[yellowxo]

My MIL treats me and df like eternal children df is 28, we are currently on holiday as a large group and she's doing my wick in!! DF keeps on going off with his brothers leaving me with her they just follow me and dd around, she frequently undermines me regarding parenting, cleaning cooking, she keeps on barging into my room going through my things, when she visits our house she does the same thing. I feel like she only invited us on this trip so she could get unlimited access to dd we paid for ourselves btw, BIL says that his mum is bat shit crazy and obsessed with dd, he's right she seems to see her as her child and when at home she tries to call, text us everyday,

I caught her the other day saying to dd come to mummy (meaning her) dafuq? she went on about buying her an ipad (she's not even 2 yet!!) dd bit me yesterday and I shouted because it really hurt and MIL said oo poor girl your mummy shouting at you! When I ask df to say something he never does because he doesnt want to upset his mum, his mum has also asked to have dd live with her while I'm studying my degree (she got shut down) how do I stop the obsessiveness and the wanting to be the parent? I'm going crazy!!

First rule of MILs is that they are not your mother so have your OH sort things out. As you are on holiday I would keep the peace but read the riot act once you are home. It is not acceptable that she undermines your parenting or refers to herself as mummy. I would have your OH fight that battle though.

Why have you gone on holiday with this woman? You are an adult and able to say 'no' to being put in these situations. Your dp needs to understand that his first priority is you and your dd so tell him to get his head sraight.
As for mil. Do not speak to her on the phone apart from a pleasant greeting and 'I'll get dp'. forward texts to dp and do not respond yourself. Let him take the full brunt of her obsession. limit her access to your home.
Tell her outright that she is not 'mummy' and that needs to stop. Loudly discuss her boundary issues. Do the passive-aggressive talking-via-the-child thing right back at her: 'Look dd, silly grandma thinks she is your mummy.'
Then stop putting your dd and yourself in these awkward situations with her.

If DF keeps going off with his brother, then I would arrange to do something with DD so that you are not stuck with MIL. I wouldn't invite her or tell her, I would just walk out the door and say 'bye'!

Personally, I think your DF is way out of line. You are on a family holiday and he is not spending time with either of you, but expecting you to go along with his plans. I would also tell him to man up....he doesn't want to upset MIL but it is ok to upset you...WTF! The PP who said to direct all calls and texts to him, I agree with and l also agree to speak to her about her behaviour and boundaries when you return. she needs to be reminded that she is only 'nan, gran etc' anytime I saw I wouldn't use her name, I would say 'why hello grandma', to really put her in place.

To her you are both children and are thus incapable.

Your DF is as much a problem as his overbearing mother because he is both unwilling and unable to stand up for either himself or his own family unit through her conditioning of him. His inertia is simply hurting him as well as you and his child; he needs to be told that most forcefully by you. The problem also for you here is that he may not change his attitudes towards her. His default setting seems to be not to upset her or say anything to her at all (again through being conditioned by her) but also is currently leaving you to deal with her whilst he goes off with his brothers. That must simply stop as of now if you and he are to even have a future together.

You do realise of course that emotionally healthy functioning people do not act at all like this; it is not your fault she is the ways she is. What if anything do you yourself know about her background?. That can also give clues.

You need to urgently raise your own way too low boundaries with regards to his mother. Why is it that you all went on holiday with her at all, was that your man's idea?. Who has also let her into your home previously?. She must not enter your own residence as of now, if she does have a key then change the locks.

Your man may still want to have a relationship with her but it does not automatically follow that you and your DD have to do so; she will and is emotionally harming your child in front of your very eyes. She is getting mixed messages. His mother is a toxic influence to your family unit and will destroy it ultimately if you allow it to happen. Look at the damage she has done to your man; she will do very similar to your DD. Some grandparents really should not be allowed any access to their grandchildren; his mother is a case in point.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward so you can further understand the power and control dynamics present in such situations.

If I was feeling particularly evil....I would say.

'Silly grandma, calling herself mummy....grandma is too old to be a mummy'

yellowxo this situation could destroy your relationship. So what to do?

Firstly, something about your MILs behaviour. If your MIL hasn't had a GC before and this is her first she will be totally smitten by your child and may not realise clearly how her behaviour is impacting on you. So I am afraid that you need to tell her.

When I had my first GC I was madly in love and had to be very careful as I thought I knew better how she should be treated. I was after all a very experienced Mother. To stand back and let my inexperienced DIL make mistakes was very hard. I hated to see my GD punished and still do.

Unless your MIL is deliberately setting out to undermine you ( and is thoroughly evil) and wants to hurt you, then you have no choice but to tell her how you feel. My DIL is very capable of telling me and I respect her rights. I would rather be told than get the cold shoulder or worse break up my sons marriage.

Most people ( I was) are inhibited by their MIL and can't relax and behave normally around them ? But what is the alternative to telling her ?
You can work hard on going non-contact. This will make your DP unhappy, it will also deprive your children of someone who will love your children.

Ideally it should be your DP who should be telling her, but as you say he won't , so then it is up to you.

Prepare a script. Stick to the 'i' word, rather than you , as in, you are an interfering old bag and I hate you etc. speak in sorrow rather than in revenge or anger. Think about your aims in doing this. It is to stop her doing what she is doing, not to make her scream and shout and storm off.

If she has any sense, then she will listen. She is in danger of losing your much loved child, because if your relationship with her son breaks up you could leave and go and live as far away from her as possible. If you don't give her the chance to change then she will never know. Your relationship will break up because of her, but she still won't know about her contribution because no one said anything.
I think you have to give her a chance to change.

If you don't stand up for your self and say your piece, your anger and frustration are going to increase. You will then explode and say things in the heat of the moment that you can't take back, and then there will be no going back.
You need to make a list and sit down with your partner and calmly and quietly tell him how you feel and why you feel like you do. Explain to him the danger your relationship is in. If he starts arguing just carry on and keep to your script and then move on to her. Unless her agrees to do it at this point.

You could also do with some counselling so that you have more self esteem, so that you are able to set boundaries and insist on being respected.

If your MIl realises that if she doesn't change her behaviour then she may lose seeing her GC, that may be a wake up call for her.
Good luck, because the MIL, DIL relationship is not easy. Xx

Your MIL is clearly the kind of intrusive, insensitive and overbearing person who you need to set clear and firm limits with.

She will not like it, or react with decency. You still need to tell her what your limits are, and that she has overstepped them.

It is principally your partner's job to do this, and to back YOU up whenever you set limits with his mum.

You cannot stop her obsessiveness: all you can do is limit the space she takes up in your life.
No more joint holidays would be a good start.
Not picking up the phone when it's her calling.
And pulling her up, openly, on things like snooping and criticising your parenting.

First rule of MILs (or wider family more generally) is never go on holiday with them.

But it's her fiancé that's causing the problems! He's going off with his brothers all the time - that just isn't fair.

Decide which days you will be alone and which days you will be with him. Then on the days it's just you and your DD, get yourselves up early and leave the house before your fiancé. Stay out as long as you can.

It doesn't sound like much of a holiday for you, tbh. I bet your fiancé is having a whale of a time, though, and will want to do it again and again.

Next time she calls herself mummy why not say to dd " silly grandma thinks she's your mummy - perhaps she's getting a bit confused these days - perhaps she should go to the doctor and get her memory checked out"

Why are you being left holding the baby all day everyday? No way would I tolerate being left while my dude buggered off doing his own thing. I would rather just go home.

As usual in these stories it is your DP who is mainly at fault. It is up to him to deal with his DM, he shouldn't be going off with his brother & leaving you with her. If is own brother can see that she is obsessed with your DD then why can't he?

Personally I wouldn't want to ruin the holiday with a big argument but I would make sure to never ever go away with them again and I would let your DP know that he was the main reason.

Agree with everyone that you need to sort out your DF first. What he's doing is well out of order.

Well we told mil we were going out on our own and for lunch she then starts getting ready and saying she was coming we had to say to her no you aren't she then got really upset bils invited her with them shopping and to the beach then she says sadly no ill stay here on my own guilt tripping us fil also invited her to the beach and to go exploring which she also declined. If she can't be with dd she goes mental.

Don't let her guilt trip you. Just say something like, 'you deserve some you time, have a nice day and we'll see you later' Then leave. Think you all as a family have pandered to her long enough

Your DF is using you to babysit his mother while he goes on jollies with his brothers. Nice. This needs addressing straight away.

I wouldn't involve your DD in any way to get the point across that "Grandma is confused..." - she may be 2 but this in itself will be confusing to her. Next time she says it, I'd look her straight in the eye and firmly say "you are her granny. I'M her Mummy". No need for PA stuff - be straight.

And bollocks to going away as a family. For you to keep the MIL amused while the sons jolly off to do their own thing.

I'd be having a word with your DF sharpish.

She may well try to use emotional blackmail but you need to ignore, ignore, ignore!

Also, from this point on I would insist that you/DF and dd do something as a family together on your own and not let DF go off leaving you to deal with her. If there is a whole family thing to do I would only participate if everyone else was involved too....her DH and BIL.

When you return home boundaries need to be re set as this is happening because she has been allowed to.

df has just said he's not getting involved and says hes sick of being in between me and his mum and us both bitching, he says we should sort it out between ourselves or I could leave dd with MIL which is what she wants while I go off with him and brothers I said no we should be allowed to spend quality time with just me, df and dd on holiday. Whats wrong with me wanting to be near my child who I gave birth too?
Her husband is on the autistic spectrum so she uses us and dd to get her emotional needs out of, I feel for her, but it's too taxing on our lives, DF does say he finds her annoying but he wont budge he says he always sounds the bad guy so he wants me to tell his mum that I don't want her always around dd.

"df has just said he's not getting involved and says hes sick of being in between me and his mum and us both bitching, he says we should sort it out between ourselves "

And what did you say to that?. Its simply not going to happen as his mother is inherently unreasonable, he's just trying to get off the hook here.

As I suspected your problem is as much this dear fiancé of yours as is his overbearing mother. The above is typically said by such hamstrung men who cannot or will not stand up for themselves when it comes to their mother. He cannot deal with this and simply just wants you to get along so he does not have to face the truth about his mother or his own self being unable to act. Also he is quite happy for you to be his fall guy to his mother (so he does not have to be in that role). His inertia is an action that simply hurts him as well as you and his child. This likely will not change; all you can decide going forward is whether you can actually live with a man who is like this.

Ultimately you are going to have to go no contact with his parents. Your primary role here is to protect your child from such malign influences like his mother; look at the damage she has done to your man here.

You have also not caused this situation to arise; his mother has acted totally unreasonably throughout. You wouldn't have tolerated any of this from a friend; his mother is no different. It is totally unreasonable of his mother to use you and by turn your child as emotional sustenance for her.

Has her H been officially diagnosed as being on the ASD spectrum?.

What?!!

He wants you to do his dirty work, he says he finds HER annoying, but is quite happy to go off with his brothers and leave you with her.....

WTF? I am sorry but this is way out of line.

I think you need to take a hard long look at your relationship here.

She is not your problem to sort. She is not your mother. You have hopefully learned never ever to go on holiday with her again. Never invite her to your home. If df invites her, then he arranges everything as you have washed your hands of her. Go out anywhere you like on this holiday and take dd with you. If she wants to complain then let her complain to df.

Your df should be spending time with you and his dc on holiday, not offloading a mother even he finds difficult onto you.

Your fiancé is a weak man.
He would rather throw his fiancée and his daughter to the wolves, out of his own passivity and fear of rocking the boat.

You don't need to have a showdown with your MIL. Just inform your DF that you are no longer spending any time with her, and that all communication with her now goes through him.

She calls? Hand him the phone.
She's coming over? Leave with DD, and let him entertain her.
She sends nasty messages? Forward them to him to reply to, cc'ing her.
He caves and agrees to holidays with her, or for her to baby-sit your DD when you disagree, or any other such capitulation? You sit tight, do not go on said holidays or hand over your child, and let him deal with the consequences.

He's going to keep giving in to her, and he's going to keep trying to push this onto you, and say that you have a problem with her so it's for you to sort out. You need to resist all of this and make sure that his mother remains his issue to sort out, and not yours.

If your position is that you don't want to spend time with her or to have to handle her, then that is your position and you stick to it. She's going to dislike and disrespect you whatever you do, so you might as well protect your sanity, your time, and your child from her.