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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Spending time with abusive ex for the children

21 replies

mrsallergy · 05/03/2015 16:18

Would you do this? Should you?

My ex was very abusive to me (not the children) and continues to be financially abusive and often verbally abusive. I have managed to start rebuilding my life from scratch. We live in a different country. My ds wants his dad to come to his birthday party. The thought of being in the same room as him makes me want to tear my own skin off.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

KatyLovesKats · 05/03/2015 17:34

Don't do it! How old are your dc? Are they old enough to understand if you explain that you and daddy aren't able to get on and you will tell them more about why when they are older. Explain that it is your house and your rules now and give him the opportunity to have a separate celebration with his dad.

HTH. I went to a counsellor because I wanted NC with my ex (who is a bit like yours) but for my kids to have a good relationship with him. She basically suggested the above and it has mainly worked for me, although one of my dc (teenager) has opted to see his dad very infrequently.

Hissy · 05/03/2015 17:59

Under no circumstances let an abuser in your home!

Talk to your ds honestly and in an age appropriate manner

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2015 18:24

An absolute no.

Your son needs to be told age appropriate truth about his dad.

If he was abusive to you he was in turn abusive to the children as well. Decent and kind men do not abuse the mothers of their children.

currentnameinuse · 05/03/2015 19:24

It's a bucket full of no from me too.

Quitelikely · 05/03/2015 19:29

I would say no it's in everyone's best interests.

Original poster

mrsallergy · 05/03/2015 20:31

Thanks for the input. My son is going to be 8. I am worried he will resent me for it when he's older. My ex I'm sure would be charm personified at the party (always is when others are around) but I would feel painfully uncomfortable to the point where I feel I might vomit. It's like post traumatic stress. I've thought of saying that my ex can go to the party instead of me (as I'm the one with the 'problem') but I know ds wants us both there, in an ideal world.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 05/03/2015 20:56

Abusers do the same to their kids eventually. I wouldn't be promoting a relationship between them at all iiwy . I'm not saying cut him off from them but I am saying do the very, very bare minimum. And definitely definitely definitely don't go out of your way at all on any level.

lol I think I've made myself clear.

currentnameinuse · 05/03/2015 21:15

I agree - a relationship with an abusive father is not one I would encourage. Don't you dare call yourself the problem. You must go to the party, why ever wouldn't you?

turquoiseamethyst · 05/03/2015 21:16

Mrs I also have an eight year old son and an abusive STBXH who is charm personified around others ... hmm! Are we the same person!?

Honestly? If my DS made this request, I'd say yes.

I can't if I'm truthful think of a reason not to. By the way - my ex does not see the children unsupervised.

JegErEnStorNerd · 05/03/2015 21:19

I would say no sorry son. Celebrate separately with yr dad.

JegErEnStorNerd · 05/03/2015 21:23

I agree with you springydaffs. U dont want them to be close enough to their dc that they start pulling the same manipulative controlling stunts with their children. Lesss likely if the relationship not so facilitated.

HellKitty · 05/03/2015 21:30

Don't let him. Your home will never feel clean again. My ex was the same but I put my foot down. Tell your DS he can celebrate with his dad on a different day, what 8 yr old wouldn't want two birthdays?!

HellKitty · 05/03/2015 21:30

Witchofthenorth · 06/03/2015 10:45

A complete and utter no from me too! If course he will be charming on the day...god forbid anyone else finds out!

He is still being abusive to you, I absolutely would not allow this. Your son is 8, a well worded conversation letting him know it's not the best plan is all you need to do.

MissMuesli · 06/03/2015 13:11

No you don't have to allow this and I wouldn't. Does your son see dad unsupervised? My daughter is only 4 but she is very used to having 2 birthdays- one with both of us.

I know it's difficult but perhaps explaining in an age appropriate way to your son would be a good idea? "Daddy loves you but he isn't very kind to me". I don't have experience with 8 year olds so maybe another poster can advise if it's appropriate or if there could be better wording?

Your son might be hurt and upset if dad can't come to the party but please don't let that sway you. You don't have to accept being in the company of someone who abuses you. Your son might be sad but you are important too

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2015 13:26

It's your responsibility as parent to keep your DS from harm and step in if he's making a mistake. Kids often want things that aren't good for them. If he wants Dad to play a part in his birthday, offer him alternatives. Skype perhaps?

Is this initiative coming from his father? Does your ex ask to visit? Might your ex have planted the idea? Or is it entirely something your DS has come up with on his own?

cestlavielife · 06/03/2015 15:40

if its in a public place away from your home maybe.

CunningCat · 06/03/2015 15:43

No way! Your bou

CunningCat · 06/03/2015 15:44

Posted too soon! Your boy won't resent you

Lottapianos · 06/03/2015 15:44

Absolutely no no no no and no again. You have to protect yourself as well as your son OP. You are having a very strong physical reaction to the thought of your ex being in your home. That should tell you all you need to know.

'Kids often want things that aren't good for them'

So true. Your DS may well be disappointed but he will get over it. You're the parent here. He will resent you for sure in years to come if he discovers that you kept up the pretence of a friendship/relationship with a dangerous abusive scumbag. Offer a compromise - someone mentioned Skype which is a good idea - but do not have this man in your home.

cozietoesie · 06/03/2015 15:52

A No from me also.

And there's also the issue of him being in a different country? I think it unlikely that he'd want to come for a - what - 3 hour party? He'd wheedle a whole week's trip out of it (minimum) which he would likely manipulate into spending more time with you all/the DCs over that time. No way would I countenance that.

Your son will understand at a later date even if he's disappointed right now.

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