need help! please. husband is a liar.

[sandymoon101]

So I just got married in September of last year, we had been dating for 2 years, he was a bad boy he would drink and smoke he stopped doing so even going to rehab clinic to stop so that I would continue to date him, so now that we are married I find he has lied to me he had a set back apparently and is now smoking I do not know how much because he is a liar and I found this out smelling it on his breath when kissing I confronted him and he finally told me he was smoking again I asked him how much and he said he would only do it once in a while from cigarettes his co- workers would offer him but that he would never purchase them on his own because he did not want to hurt me and blah blah blah but I found he had asked his mom for some money and I asked him what the money was for he said it was for some pipes to fix the plumbing in the laundry I asked him if he was going to do it that day? and he said he was too tired he was gonna go straight to bed I asked if he was hungry he said no, so since this is not the first time that he lies to me I went on a hunt for the pipes as soon as he fell asleep in his car I found fast food containers meaning he had lied to me about not being hungry he could have said I already ate, and then 2 packets cigarettes already opened and used each originally contained 14 but in between both there was a 14 this worries me because it was Monday he had been with me all day Sunday and we had used his car and those packets where not there nor in side the home that I know of so this means he hid them really good or that is how much he smoked on one day when I confronted him he did not say a word, with in these months he has come home with alcohol breath and tells me he just had a beer and that is it but since he is obviously a liar I do not believe him on top of that I cought him watching porn being that in bed he cant hold his erection he says it is due to past alcohol and cigarette use but I do not know if true, last night was just the last of it and I told him we should separate because I dont trust him hes a liar and if he lies now he will lie the rest of our lives he says he will change but i dont believe him obviously the thing is we havent even been married 6 months Im afraid of what people will think :(

I guess you'll have to un-accept him then.

arf?

He is not who you though he had changed into. He is who he always was.

What are you going to do about it?

He's lying but you're also being naive. He wanted to win you over so he presented himself as someone 'cured' of his various vices. Sadly, you took him on face value.

Have you done any reading around the subject of addiction? Do you know how poor the success rate is for an addict to give up even something as commonplace as cigarettes? Alcohol is a whole other ball-game. Addicts (IME at least) are the most accomplished liars because they are highly motivated to get hold of their substance of choice at any price.

If you don't like his behaviour, of course, you're perfectly entitled to end the marriage. Stuff what anyone else thinks.... Better to only have wasted 6 months of your life than years and years.

It sounds like you are incompatible. He can't keep up the pretense of being the person you want any more and the real him is appearing.

You've only been married a short time. Maybe it is best to cut your losses and move on?

I can't abide lies, they take away personal choice and as such I class them as a means of control.

Without truth and honesty there can be no respect in a relationship.

Without respect, what is left?

Love in this scenario is not based on reality.

I'm sorry op, if it was me, I would call it a day.

(((Hugs))) I am sorry that you are in this position.

I accepted him for who he had appeared to have changed in to.

Then you did not accept the real him.
If you cannot accept the real him - the one who drinks and smokes and uses porn - then you have to leave him.
He is who he is.

What Goats said.

We have talked and he is willing to look for treatment anyone here familiar with Allen carr? and if it works or not?

Thing is, it only works if someone truly wants to quit. Are you convinced he does? There's a distinct possibility he is just saying this to appease/please you. And it's unfair of him to do that. Just like it's unfair of you to expect him to change. Good luck

:/ so we are basically doomed....

Allen Carr offers techniques for quitting smoking and, with the right incentive, people can and do quit. However, dishonesty tends to be far more hard wired

should I give him another chance? a last chance?

What's your motivation in giving him this "last chance"?

It sounds like you are just looking for a reason not to split. (And I get that: this is a very tough and very emotional kind of decision to face.)

Change is hard, sandy. People don't change overnight, and the only motivation that will really lead to lasting change is if they hit their own, personal rock bottom, and resolve to change for their own sake.

People don't change because someone else tells them to.

They do, however, often make half-hearted claims that they'll "try", or "cut down", or "this time it'll be different", when they are trying to appease somebody, and get them off their back.

And if you accept those kinds of false promises, it's because you, for your own reasons, are not yet willing to let go.

Well because I love him, and I like to think he loves me too. I mean if he was getting home drunk or smoking cynically in my presence perhaps I would think differently, or if he would have hit me then I would definitely not even think twice about leaving him.

And it is like the smoking does not even make me so upset I understand it is a habit he has had since the age of 15, I understand he might have set backs, I understand it might be impossible for him to stop. What makes me more upset is the lying. I spoke to him yesterday and asked him to tell me the truth for anything even if it is something minimal like having take out and not being hungry because he had it. Even if it is something that will hurt me or bring me to tears, I just want the truth. He did agree to it.

You gave him permission to hurt you and bring you to tears provided he tells the truth? With respect, I think that's the wrong approach and puts you in a position of great weakness. Instead, I think you should make it very clear to him that this really is a last chance to treat you with respect and honesty. If he doesn't there are consequences that will cause him the hurt and the tears, not you.

That way he has a choice. To carry on lying in full knowledge of what will happen, or to start behaving like a decent human being. Your responsibility is to follow through.

I mean, of course during that conversation I did tell him that if he did not change in honesty wise and did not try to look for treatment to stop smoking or did not want to smoke than I would leave him. But since those changes are not gonna happen short term, I mean the smoking then during that time I wish he would be honest about it. mmmm perhaps I am wrong I do not know. Another thing is like I mentioned in my original post I am afraid of what people might say if I leave him or who I might hurt, my mom is going through a open heart surgery soon, and I do not want to add additional stress-ers.

if he did not want to STOP smoking*

People will say what they will say. Your mother may be facing an operation and you may want to protect her from bad news but, equally, I'm sure she'd be very upset if she thought you were sticking it out in a bad marriage just for her sake.

Are you prepared to follow through on your statement that you'll leave him if his behaviour doesn't improve? Have you set a deadline? How is planning to demonstrate that he's being honest?