AIBU Wedding dress shopping - mum

[offside]

This is the first time I've started a thread on the relationship board but just wanted to gauge whether I'm just being unreasonable.

I'm currently planning to plan our wedding, as in booking appointments and doing research etc.

I've just booked my first wedding dress shopping appointment and couldn't wait to tell my mum to "book a date in your diary".

I called her excitedly to tell her and she responded, "we'll when's it for" I told her (in a few months time due to ordering the sample from the US and financial reasons). She said "well we usually go to your aunty and uncles that weekend". My aunty and uncle live a few hours away, my appointment happens to be about 40 minutes away from them as it was the only bridal shop that sells this designer. So I explained that to my mum. She said "oh right, well yeah, I can meet you there".

There was no excitement, the fact she was going to brush off her only daughters wedding dress shopping because she usually goes to see family that weekend and I felt like I was convincing her to go. I explained that she didn't have to go as my friends would come (the shop only allows 1 2 people with the bride) but she just hesitated and said "well no, no its ok, I'll mark it down".

I suppose I just expected more excitement and for her to actually sound interested.

As an aside, my parents are putting money away each month to help buy something for the wedding, so I do feel guilty about feeling this way, but I just can't help feel that she'd rather not.

Am I being silly being upset about this?

The more you write, the more I think you should have a look at the "Stately Homes" thread, OP...

Deffo Goats good call!

(((((offside))))

offside, your mother sounds like a classic narcissist. Please consider picking up a copy of the book "When you and your mother can't be friends". You can also google the website "daughters of narcissistic mothers". And feel free to pop by the "But we took you to stately homes" thread here on MN where there are a lot more resources posted and an ongoing discussion.

I started to realise something was wrong when my mum was absolutely not interested in my wedding and had zero input, and then was the same during my pregnancy. My own reading (including stately homes thread) and reflecting on her past behaviour has shed some light.

A life event like planning a wedding or having a baby isn't going to magically fix your relationship with your mother. That happens in the movies, not so much in real life, just like falling through a glass window without injuries. This just isn't going to somehow make her into the kind of mother you've always wished you had, or give you the kind of mother-daughter relationship you always wanted. It just does not work that way.

I'd say realistic expectations are key for you right now. You know how she is, don't expect anything different from what you've seen so far. Don't compare your relationship with her to other people's relationships with their mothers, or to her relationship with other people. That's just going to make you unhappy, and isn't going to change anything about your relationship with her. That doesn't help you.

Is she wrong to be acting the way she is? Maybe, maybe not- the answer to that question doesn't change how you deal with the situation, so it doesn't really matter.

Another member of the Stately Homes thread here! My mother is the same. No interest in the dress for my 1st wedding and more bothered about what my nieces were wearing (as their DM is the class my DM thinks she's in). I had made their dresses to which sil and DM decided against and rushed off to Laura Ashley for something else. I made my dress, no offers to help or even look at it. I'm getting married again this year and haven't volunteered any information! Future mil wants to see and get excited by everything though so I don't feel like I'm missing out this time around. Enjoy the day with your friend/s instead and I hope it's perfect!