socialising with a toddler.

[neilsharvest]

Hi, hope this is in the right place. I'm wondering what your social life looks like. We have a clingy toddler who has never slept well in his own bed and still comes into ours when he wakes upset. We are the first in our group to have a baby and don't have any family nearby to babysit. The result is that we haven't been out together after 7pm for 3+years and rarely see friends in the evening together. We go out together for days and for afternoon drinks when dd is with her childminder (we set a day a month at least to do this- both work shifts). We also go out with our individual friends regularly- just not together. Friends tend to invite us over for an evening expecting us to get a babysitter.

Anyway, long way round to just ask how you all juggle it and hopefully see some people in a similar situation...

We have no family nearbyeither, you need a babysitter, could th echildminder do it as he already knows her? Otherwise could she recommend someone else, lots of nursery nurses do babysitting

Just don't go out together...seriously! Not been out together in 7 year's.

We had no family to help....just used a babysitter

The bad sleeping is an issue with a babysitter though- we did it once when he was small- left him asleep- he woke and screamed the house down for two hours until we were home. Guess that's put me off. If we could put him to bed and he sleptthrough I imagine it would be fine. Thabks for the ideas though heels.

Are there any other pariahs out there?

I think you have to persevere a little. If you rarely leave him with a babysitter he has no chance to get used to the idea. You could look at some sleep training techniques perhaps so that he's more settled. As he gets older he should sleep better anyway.

I agree with cogito. Persevere! You are entitled to a life, you know. Just because you have a DC doesn't mean you have to be a slave to him and IMO pandering to this situation for years on end just means you won't have a life for even longer and it will affect your relationship with your DP and you have to prioritise that sometimes too.

Find a babysitter that he knows - either the CM or a friend or someone familiar - and go out. If he wakes and screams, so be it, that's what you're paying the babysitter to do - care for the baby - not sit watching telly and eating biscuits. As he gets used to the idea of you sometimes going out it should get easier. And yes, I used sleep training methods and it took three nights to break DS1 of his habits, DS2 I was careful not to get into those habits in the first place! You live and learn.

If you have someone you could trust as a baby sitter why not take approach that its not a big deal if 3yo goes to bed or not? 3 is old enough to understand that you will be back. If you are worried about them missing you maybe try it 5 - 7 at first and build up to longer time out.
The world won't stop if your toddler doesn't go to bed at 7. When mine were that age I would make a bed on the sofa and they would fall asleep there and I would put them to bed when I got home. I did this as mine were both poor sleepers and I told the babysitters to chill about bedtime and not to stress out.
They were from his nursery the babysitters i used so would do little activities early evening then put them on the sofa bed under covers for a dvd.

I agree with asking the childminder.

Also, invite friends over. Or if they are good friends and they have the space you could all stay at theirs.

You don't say how old he is but my 3yr old would understand that we had gone out for a bit and would come back so you might find it gets easier soon.

We have no family near either so it had to be babysitters from early on. And we try to invite friends to come around to our flat for dinner and board games, even if DS won't go to sleep from the excitement. Our son can handle a few nights out of routine; we felt that that was a better trade than completely losing our social life. That didn't work so well when our friends started having kids, but then we started to see more of them at weekends in the parks anyway.

We also have some good friends nearby. Our best man from our wedding and his husband live just up the street. They have good jobs and travel frequently but are very social and when they have gatherings we have always been able to bring DS along in his pram as an infant, stroller later and then walking - and two years on they are happy for us to settle him to sleep in their bed and then we transfer him in and out of the stroller to get home. We are looking for a new house now, further away and close to primary schools but we are going to deeply miss the boys!

You can use your local sitters website. They charge around £6ph and the majority of the childminders are working with children in their day job.

You can choose someone you like the look of and there are very experienced people on there and without sounding too rude with more experience than most of us who have young dc.

One of the ladies I use is brilliant. Her knowledge and understanding of my dc was great and I felt at ease immediately, as did my dc.

Nothing bad will happen. Get her to come 30 mins before hand and ask her to settle him into bed. You would be surprised how much more cooperative they can be for others.

Lol at seven years levismum! Thanks for the honesty! I think I did mention that we go out together regularly- just not at night. We're rock solid so it isn't that that I'm worried about- rather the risk of losing friends but pps made a good point about good friends being understanding and socialising at each others homes.

Thanks chaps :-)

When I was babysitting (age 16, but had been a family friend, and know both boys since they'd been born), one or the other of the boys would be up most of the night when their parents were out. It didn't phase me, or the people I was sitting for. It was just accepted that they needed to get used to their parents being out.

For me, babysitting was a really fulfilling experience with children who needed a fair old amount of attention - I trusted my feelings about children who were my responsibility for the evening, called out when I needed help, and dealt with things as I felt appropriate. Funnily enough, 20 years on, I've not had kids. I guess I don't much fancy the responsibility - it's bloody full on being a parent - and I couldn't, couldn't do what you do.

The parents checked in on the phone, and they had the comfort factor that my parents were extremely close by to assist if I ever felt out of my depth. I hope you find a trusted babysitter - the boys still remember me, and occasionally I get to embarrass them in front of their girlfriends, 20 years on :)

(I have not mentioned to the gf's vomming, pooey nappies or more vomming, which both boys should have had PhDs in when they were teeny!)