Can someone help me describe this behaviour?

[notsogoldenoldie]

I've finally decided to end it with stbexdp. I have an appointment with a counsellor soon but for the life of me I can't understand or even describe his behaviour. Can you help?

He's always been self-absorbed and a workaholic.
He's always been rather disrespectful to my relatives, and lacking in compassion towards them. My mother said he was using me. I stood up for him.
He has always been rather cold and disinterested.
When we (finally) had dd, he was the doting dad, but has never done the school run, or been prepared to make career sacrifices.
He's still the doting dad, going out of his way for dd, perhaps over-investing in her emotionally. He's always been great to her friends, too.
He has never had to discipline, buy presents, clothes or trios away for her, as I've done all that.
He shows little interest in me, unless it affects him. We were still having (unsatisfactory) sex until recently. However, sometimes he does things which are kind and out of context. This throws me, as I think I've got the measure of him, then the unexpected kindness confuses me.
He has been (maybe still is) unfaithful. When challenged, he says "it was nothing". He has not apologised for or explained his unfaithfulness.
He never apologises if he does something that affects me. For example, he caused a slow puncture when driving my car, didn't apologise, didn't offer to pay. I'd be mortified if i did that to his car.
When I had a miscarriage years ago, and he was working away, he wouldn't let me ask his mother for help with food shopping "in case it upset her".

To sum up (sorry that's long) it's as if I don't exist, yet I've been with him for 30 years, giving him the benefit of the doubt. He wants to end the relationship, but hasn't made any moves towards doing this. He wants me to do all the work.

Any thoughts? I feel like I'm going crazy.

"He wants to end the relationship, but hasn't made any moves towards doing this."

No, because he's more than happy in the position he's in.

He's been unfaithful in the past and is now effectively telling you he doesn't want you to be in his life anymore.

The question is, what are you going to do about this?

What do YOU want?

He puts his own needs and wants above those of everybody elses. In particular, he puts you last, after his mother.

Doting father but only on his terms. Leaves the hard and boring bits to you.

Thats what i get from your op. Does that help at all?

I would say his behaviour shows definite narcissistic tendencies. Basically he's only interested in his own needs and wants - yours are completely unimportant to him, sorry to say.

He is occasionally throwing you a bone of a kind comment or gesture, as a form of insurance to keep you there. He can also point to these gestures and say "I'm a perfectly nice husband, what are you complaining about!"

When you say you have an appointment with a counsellor, is this just for you? Or a joint appointment?

It sounds as though he's a good father but a terrible partner.

He is selfish & disrespectful of your needs and wishes. He is unfaithful.

You deserve more.

I think he sounds selfish. You have to assume that he gets what he needs out of the arrangement and therefore that's all that matters to him. He has 'acquired' a wife and kids rather than created a family. Reminds me of the way single politicians used to be told that they would have a better chance of getting elected if they got married.... a means to an end.... a cloak of respectability. That's he's unfaithful to you lends more credence to that theory.

Is he a 'DP' or a 'DH'?

I'd slap a 'narcissist' label on him (but I admit I do that a lot at the moment).

The lack of empathy or remorse stands out. Only being interested in things on his terms. Doing things for other people but ONLY because they reflect well on him "he's SUCH a doting father".

We all have narcissistic tendencies - it's part of being human - but most of us balance it out. If I was selfish or hurt you, I'd feel remorse and guilt, narcissists don't.

Once I'd investigated this and read up about Narcissistic Personality Disorder an awful lot fell into place for me, and that meant I could make sense of it all. It gave me the strength to LTB.

Another +1 for selfish. Not sure about clinically narcissistic though.
A good dad does not avoid the boring, difficult or stinky bits and leave them to the mother.

Thanks all. He's dp, not dh. I appreciate I may have limited options, and I've taken legal advice.

What hurts is how he's turned out as I kind of thought: a selfish, entitled user. I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt for years, and I regret that. pocket the therapy is for me, not him, at least initially.

I'm so hurt at the moment that (shamefully) all I want to do is hurt him back in some way. fab thanks for the tip on Chumplady-it looks a,hoot (and very apt-that's exactly how I feel....).

What also worries me is, now that dd is 13 and no longer the adoring little cutie of old, he may change his attitude towards her as she grows into a grouchy teenager. I'm wondering if he's been using her, too, in a way, to help him play the doting dad.

Does your partner have any close friends? Or does have a series of people with whom he networks and keeps contact with because they are of some use to him?

cog he doesn't seem to have close friends apart from people he sees at football (he's a season ticket holder). He rarely goes to the pub and was not involved with the school dads either as he didn't do the school run. He doesn't seem to even network much although he's self-employed. I often wonder if he's sought friendship from dd, as he's so invested in her, and doesn't have many friends.

The person he's closest to is his brother, who doesn't live locally but whom he speaks to regularly.

Or he has a mistress that sorts out his requirement for intimacy and friendship?

Good point, Cog. He's certainly been unfaithful, but dismisses this as "nothing". He's also a heavy user of porn. If there's another woman in the picture, she may indeed be fulfilling his need for intimacy. She's welcome to him.

I would also peg his behaviour here as being narcissistic in terms of personality; his lack of empathy is a clear indicator here of narcissism.

He gets what he wants out of this, but you?. What have you got out of this relationship?. Short answer to that is nothing, he has trained you to serve him and perhaps highlighted any co-dependent tendencies you yourself have even more (giving him the benefit of the doubt etc).

Unfortunately as you have no doubt learnt, it is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist. Also narcissistic men make for being deplorably bad parents to their unfortunate children as well.

" dismisses this as "nothing". "

Seems all his relationships - barring perhaps the one he has with DD - are 'nothing'. There's none of the normal indicators that he may be especially attached to you or anyone else. Even porn doesn't require any actual interaction. Someone will probably bob up in a second and speculate that he's on the autistic spectrum. I'm not suggesting that but he does appear to combine selfishness with a rather insular, detached approach to other people

attila I'm getting nothing out of this relationship. Which I why I'm determined to ltb somehow. I've already checked out mentally. cog I've often wondered about the autism thing: perhaps he's simply unable to sustain close adult relationships? I dunno. He thinks he's a real catch, too, and thinks I should be grateful to him for "doing so much for me". Wtf?

I've been here and was much happier when I got out!

He also did the miscarriage thing - I miscarried on Christmas day and he wouldn't let me tell his mum (including why I left mid day) so as not to 'spoil the day for her'. It was at this point I knew I needed out... It took me a further 10 months to do it but I did it rather spectacularly at his birthday do ;)

auntie sorry to hear that. That's awful about the mc. Glad you got out. My mc was 13 years ago and it's taken me til now to join the dots. What a mug...

You're not a mug! Have you done the list thing - it's very cliche but write a list of what you get out of the relationship and what makes you miserable. It can be very eye opening!

Thanks. I'll do the list. Great idea.