SAHM or WOHM dilemma. Need help to decide!

[listeningtomyheartorhead]

Hi

I am currently on my maternity leave and have been wrestling with the question of whether I want to go back to work afterwards to the extent that it is sort of spoiling my maternity leave as I am thinking about it almost daily. I have two under 5. My eldest is 2.5 years and the baby is just 3 months. My problem is that I dont know whether to go with my heart or head and often they switch allegiances on the topic.

So right now my heart is telling me to stay at home with my babies. They will only be little for a short time. Childcare costs are very expensive (they wiped out 2/3rds of my salary for my elder child when I just had him and will probably be much higher with second one) and the idea of leaving my youngest baby with someone else makes me feel quite teary. Also I love children and the idea of paying someone to do something that I would love to do and would probably do a lot better (hopefully considering they are mine) doesnt make sense to me. I work as a teacher so the job is quite time consuming in that it spills over in to my home life so I will have to divert quite a bit of time away from my children in order to do my job properly to help other peoples children, which doesnt sit well with me considering how young my two are. I also dont really like my work and want to move out of teaching anyway so leaving my children to do something I hate also makes no sense to me. Also I am quite an anxious person by nature so get easily stressed out. I worked till the end of my second pregnancy and when I look back at how I was with my toddler I feel ashamed of how short tempered I was with him and I am worried that the pressure of working and caring for such young children is going to cause me to behave similarly or even worse now I have two. My DH works very long hours so is not around much to help out with them and even when he is around is not very helpful.

Which brings me on to my head's reasoning. I work part time. My eldest will turn 3 before I go back to work so will be getting his 15 hours at nursery which will help me with the childcare costs though I will probably have to top it off. I have a good friend nearby whom I trust who is also a childminder and she would probably charge me slightly less so I do have options with regards to childcare. I was even more pfb with my first child and I managed to put him in childcare and work so I could get over my feelings about that with younger child. The childcare costs will go down anyway in about a year as my toddler will be starting school in September 2016. It will only be the next two years (hopefully) in which it will be really stressful and expensive for me to work so I could just grit my teeth and get through it and keep my part time hours which is what I want anyway with two little ones as opposed to full time. I really love the place I work as in I like the school, my department and headteacher (its just the actual job I do which I hate). The biggest reason though is that my relationship with dh can be up and down. Sometimes I love him madly other times I hate his guts. He doesnt really help very much with kids in a regular way I can rely on as in daily does x, y or z or really help around the house except with covering most/all our living costs (apart from childcare) and doing the food shopping. In the past when I did SAH for about a year and a half when my youngest was little he was financially controlling and can at times be emotionally abusive (as can I) and when I started working again I had the ability to brush it off, ignore it better then when I was a SAHM. DH would be ecstatic if I stayed at home with kids and to a certain extent I am suspicious of that.

Anyway will leave it at that for now.

Thanks for reading.

The only real problem here is you hate your job. It's not to prospect of working, it's the prospect of having to do something you don't like.

Personally I'd say you need to work but no more than 2-3 days a week. You have all your holidays etched so the most you'll be doing is 8 weeks stretches. The idea of being financial dependant on your husband doesn't sound good. You need to find a job you enjoy. It's easier to move from one job to another. It's significantly harder to find work after time out (I know I've done it!).

It's always going to be hard putting your children in childcare but honestly a few days a week and they will love it!

Working with little ones (even part time) is bloody difficult. That said, I would be very reluctant to give up any sort of financial independence (or even partial independence as I appreciate that your DH is the higher earner). Your youngest is still very little, you may think far more clearly in another 3 months or so but you are absolutely right that there is a huge potential long term gain from effectively gritting your teeth for a relatively short period. The problem is that if you stop working now getting back into the job market can be very difficult, particularly if you are looking fir comparable hours even after quite a short time. There is also a lot to be said for being in a role where you get on well with your colleagues even if the job itself isn't ideal. It is easier to move roles when you are already in one iyswim.

I would decide now to go back. Then put the decision away and enjoy your time.

Go back and you can always leave down the line if you wish.

disagree that the only problem is that the op hates her job. the problem is that her dh is abusive!
what do you want to do long term?

Just a quick word! I was a SAHM, both because I wanted it & because my husband works very long hours. I loved it, yes there were times when it was boring but I was always there for them, helped out at their school & it was a lovely time. All grown up now & fled the nest!! All done so quickly!! I have now returned to work.

Can't tell you what is right for you as you have other things to consider, but good luck & enjoy your beautiful babies x

Oh, it was an easy decision until you told us about DH.

Maybe go back, but look for a different part time job.

Thank you for your responses. They all make sense to me and I agree with them on one level. It will be only a relatively short time (two years) to push through however I really worry whether mentally and emotionally I can hack it. I really will have to do all or most of the childcare, housework on my own as my dh's hours are really long. He is ambitious and is very greedy with his time so I would need to confront him about that before going back. I worry though when I do he will bring up all my previous points rationalising SAH which I wont be able to counter strongly as I am still not fully decided.

Financially also I wont be gaining that much (considering I work part time and pay childcare) which makes me wonder whether it is worth it for all that stress I will be under. Though having that small financial independence and maintaining my career will help me to be emotionally strong and confident with regards to relationship with DH.

I was a wohm with my first 2 kids (I went back when they were 5 months and 9'months and they are 19 months apart) and I identify with what you are saying about the short tempered aspect. It's as if you are spread too thin both in your job and at home and when you are getting everyone ready to leave in the morning a badly timed tantrum or nappy explosion can knock your whole day out and make everything feel so out of control. on maternity leave with my third nothing like that bothers me as I have plenty of time to deal with it. I also get what you are saying about enjoying them. I do feel I missed out on a lot with my older 2 (but I was full time and worked long hours)

Is your husband abusive? If he is it would be better to split sooner rather than later. I've left my ea and va abusive husband a few months ago and financially am managing. I am surprised about how much I am entitled to. Do you have savings if you need to leave? Is he in a highly paid job that he works such long hours? What does this control look like?

I think being a teacher is a good job for once the dcs start school as the holidays work well, no stress about childcare for 7 weeks of summer holidays etc. But do the good aspects make the job something you can stick out for the next 15 years? Also could you do tutoring part time or invigilating to earn some money for yourself if you decide to be a sahm so you have some of your own money?

It's such a difficult question

Also if there are any teachers readinppg how difficult is it to get back in to work after a small break? Would I be jeopardising my career to SAH for years? I went to visit my work recently for the first time after giving birth and many of my colleagues were surprised I was planning to come back and were more supportive of the idea of SAH (I dont distrust their motives as I am in no way a threat to them as they are all full time and are friends of mine). However they dont know about my issues with DH.

*SAHM for 2 years.

Maintain your financial independence at all costs.

This Sometimes I love him madly other times I hate his guts and he was financially controlling and can at times be emotionally abusive (as can I) this do not bode well.

From what you say, being a SAHP would simultaneously put your relationship under stress, while undermining your capacity to leave it.

If you hate your job, by all means plan to change course. Just don't give up your income while you do it.

Can't you and your DH sort out your marital problems?

Why can't your high-paying DH's job cover some of the childcare fees?

By the sounds of it you're spreading your money and efforts trying to best look after everyone. That's great, but does your DH support in any way that isn't by paying (non-childcare) bills?

I've never regretted being a SAHM in my equal marriage. No way I'd have done it in a marriage that wasn't good though.

Agree with constance, more important than whether sah or not is to figure out why you are abusive to each other!

I'm a teacher and worked alongside and managed mums who have had a long time out of work and come back. It is very very tough and part time isn't readily avaliable to new members of staff as it is to existing staff. Education changes so rapidly it is hard to keep up but not impossible. I think if you have a good school and option to go part time you should take it or decide to stay at home and not go back into teaching. ..

As I was reading your post I was thinking 'this is me!' Teacher, hates job (although mine was more love/hate), easily stressed/anxious and wondered of the effect on my dc. All until the dH part. My dH is very supportive, not financially abusive and I felt confident that I could be a SAHM and he would support me to find a new career/go back into teaching when the time was right. So for me was a no brainer. I think I'm your case I'd be more concerned about putting all my eggs in one basket as it where. Could you spend time thinking of other career options? Obviously only you know your relationship.
In terms of taking time out of teaching and going back I think it's relatively easy if you are a fairly shortage subject. I'm in a subject where I know I will have no trouble finding a job so that's reassuring. The current deputy of my old school took 6 years out and my auntie took 8 years out and is now an assistant head.

Personally I find working part time far easier than been at home full time. I was a sahm for 7 years. I'm much happier at work. It gives me options, my own money, my own space and a more secure future.

You recognise yourself that your relationship has abuse elements.

Attempting to go back to work gives you more options. As your dh is financially controlling I strongly suggest you do not give up your financial independence until this has been sorted out in your relationship. It would be like jumping into the fire! A fire you can't get out of very easily. If this can't be done then the future of your marriage maybe in question. If this is the case then i suspect you will pleased of having a job and an income. It's clearly not impossible to be a single SAHM for many women it's the way things turn out. Its a lot easier if you have a job. Once you find yourself in the world of benefits or financial dependence it's so much harder to change it.

I am currently a SAHM to our three children and I love it. It is definitely the right decision for us.

However, all money earned (by either of us - sometimes I get some freelance work too) is added together, all bills and an agreed savings amount are deducted and we share the remainder equally to do with as we wish. This is the only fair way to handle money when one of you is giving up a salary to look after children. In your situation it doesn't sound as if this scenario is likely so I agree you need to maintain your financial independence.

That is a fair way to share money in a good marriage.

But OP it is entirely based on trust. Because if things go wrong, his employer will keep paying him his salary, not both of you.

Once you find yourself in the world of benefits or financial dependence it's so much harder to change it.

A hundred times.

There's a one in three chance any marriage will split up

There's a higher chance for you, as its already unhappy . So they odds are at least evens that it won't last .

Your DH is already financially controlling - do you think he will get better or worse if you are completely dependent on him ?

Do you think he would be completely fair and reasonable , even generous , after any divorce ?

The best predictor of his future behaviour is his past behaviour .

I understand that your heart is telling you to stay at home with your babies . But you need to listen to your head

Thank you to all those who have replied. You are basically reiterating what my head is telling me. With regards to whether my dh is abusive im not sure. In the past he was financially abusive however we have resolved that issue. Now that im on maternity leave he gives me something like an allowance (embarasses me even to write that) which is sizable (its actually similar to what i would earn working after childcare). However he still likes to maintain control of our family finances though i do get an input but he could make decisions on how money is spent without consulting me whilst i couldnt do the same. Also a large part of the money he gives me i spend on the kids or house anyway as he would never think to buy these things and i feel petty to ask him to. I could use that money he gives me monthly to spread the cost of childcare so i have more left over but im not sure wwhetherhe would continue it if i went back to work.

For me the main problem is the lack of time he has for the family but im not sure whether i can describe it as abusive. Dh is ambitious. He works long hours full time at the same time is trying to start his own business as well as doing a lot of voluntary work for charity. He literally cant sit still. I admire his personality as he is very much an assertive person who can make their goals a reality whilst i am a procrastinator. However in the context of family life it is very undesirable as it means he never has time for us. Before kids this wasnt so much of an issue as i could get on with my own things when he was busy but now it puts me under a lot of pressure. I cant rely on him at all with childcare which means i have very little free time to pursue my own interests unless i get help from family or pay someone to look after the dcs. My interests just seem petty and unimportant next to his (in his mind). We also rarely spend time as a family as he plans to do all his extra stuff in the weekend so im either on my own with my dcs or having to rely on family. It saddens me that he views family time as a waste of time and its another reason i want to concentrate on dcs more so they get regular beneficial interaction and attention from one of their parents at least. Dont get me wrong he is there if we need him but anything extra is time for himself.

He at times undermines me. For example he sometimes doesnt eat the food i cook or will indirectly criticise the state of the house or something to do with the kids (at the moment its that my toddler is not eating implying im not feeding him or cooking food that he wants to eat). When i was a sahm this knocked my confidence but when i started working i had the attitude of well just be grateful someone is doing it so you dont have to. Is this abusive?

I think in his mind he wants me to be one of those supportive wives, devoted to their husband and kids one of those behind every good man is a good woman type of things but i want my own life. I have just as much right to pursue my own goals and be successful as he does. However getting back to my problem part of success for me is raising happy, well adjusted, confident children which is why i am considering sah for a short while whilst they need me the most.

Long term wise in terms of my relationship - i would like to resolve our problems and find a way to compromise. Its not necessarily that i want him to give up his interests just give us some dedicated time both for us as a family and me to myself.

My worry is if i stop working based on his past behaviour, he will take me for granted and wont compromise with regards to his time commitments.

I dont know whether he has the will or capacity to do that. Cant seem to find time to talk as whenever he is at home he his exhausted or busy so bringing up our issues out of the blue doesnt seem appropriate.

Op i agree that it us easier for him if you are a sahm since he can take you from granted and dump all the childcare and chores to you. If you work the situation can be more balanced.

And whatever you decide dont let him treat you like his personal assistant. Good luck.