Thinking of leaving oh, terrified

[lizzleglas]

Hi ladies, I am really new to all of this but am looking for some advice please. I've been with oh for 11 years now, married for 6. We have a little boy (3). We met when I was 19 when I was in a pretty fragile and depressed state following years of living with parents in the middle of a messy divorce.

I had had doubts about whether getting married was the right thing or if I was just settling for him so as I was not on my own. I was hugely insecure but I seemed to convince myself that is was what I wanted.

The issue now though is that I feel as though we have come to the end of the line. Oh is 10 years older than me and although we get on ok, there is no loving relationship anymore and we are simply 2 people living in the same house who happen to be bringing up our son together with nothing in common and no connection.

Oh is an excellent dad, he is great with our son and loves him dearly but when it comes to us there is nothing there. I honestly feel as though I have no emotional connection with him anymore, nothing in common and I feel very indifferent about him and our life. I have thought for some while about chatting this through and giving it another go but I honestly think there is nothing left to save.

My heart tells me that I am young and to stay and be unhappy will eventually lead to me resenting him which can never end well. However as it stands I would much prefer for us to be able to go on raising our son but be apart and be happy.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble but I have some decisions to make and hope some of you can help me with some advice although in reading this back I think I have already made my decision. It just terrifies me to have the conversation.

What are you terrified of happening in the conversation?

Being the bad guy? Him feeling hurt? Having your mind changed?

If there is nothing there, then there is nothing there.

Don't live your life in misery, the chances are your dp will also feel that your relationship is somewhat lacking.

Your son will not be damaged by a split as long as it is amicable and you both act in his best interests at all times.

Be brave. Go for it

Its also not fair on him if you don't have the same feelings.

Any big life-changing decision is daunting and requires a lot of thought and consideration. If you personally had a bad experience as the child of divorcing parents I expect you are quite worried about the impact on your son of a split. There are lots of other implications besides - co-parenting, finances, living arrangements. How much research have you done on those? Taken legal advice? Do you have a plan how things would go in the event of a split or have you not got that far?

You say you've never spoken to your DH about the way you feel and that's something that has to be corrected quite urgently. Does he have any idea how bad things are? Knowing how things are at home, if you said it was over would he be totally shocked or not all that surprised?

Thank you ladies. We have had conversations before about how I am feeling so I can't imaging it would come as a huge shock to him. I feel as though he must also be feeling a similar way to me but is just plodding along and ignoring it. We have notghing in common and are very rarely together.

I really don't think my mind could be changed, this has been hanging over me for some time but I supporpse I've been burying my head in the sand. Sadly it hasn't and I feel as though we really are over as a couple. I have no idea what the next stage is, I fear the confrontation of opening this up but have no idea what may happen after that. Do I simply suggest some time apart? I suppose in an ideal world we continue to bring up our son in a happy loving environment, even though that may not be together.

In practical terms do you have maybe a sketchy outline of how splitting up would be sorted out? Who would stay where? I love your ideal world scenario. It's what I thought might happen too. It didn't - but I have hope that it might be different for you liz

I always have the option of moving in with my mum, although not ideal i know we would be welcome there. In practical terms it does take me and my son to the other side of the city from his nursery. ,my oh's mum is a lot closer, only 5 mins away but given i am the one asking for the time apart would it be unreasonable to ask him to go there for a bit?

Then there is the long term financials. I only work part time but cover the nursery costs and household food, petrol for car costs but oh covers the other main costs. Mortgage, insurance, council tax etc. one other issue which eats away at me is a very large loan which oh had to take out over our property when we bought it. He had thousands of pounds on credit cards which had to be consolidated to get our mortgage approved. This has left us with no money for savings as there isn't much free cash left at the end of a month. He still has a very large overdraft while I always make sure I spend no more than I earn. I try to put what little left at the end of the month I can away but oh is a spender and is forever buying new clothes, and his new gym membership and healthy eating Has lead to him spending hundreds of pounds a month on protein products, shakes and supplements every time I try to get him to kurb the spending he ignores it and spends more anyway.

And there's the elephant. OP: even if you were 2 halves of the same soul (which isn't the case here) you are currently tied in law to a spendthrift idiot.

The longterm financial damage he can inflict on you is immense. Grit your teeth and get advice asap.

But as a part time worker paying for childcare, I suppose one huge fear I have is can I afford to go it alone? The answer is probably not, esp if I want to keep my son in an area with good schools. But what's the alternative, I stay in a loveless marriage and resent my oh for the life I could have had?

That's not fair on any of us, esp my little boy

The affordability of going it alone has to be set in context. You may have less cash in the short term but you'll be in control of it. Any money you receive in benefits or earnings would be supplemented by child support from your ex..... you can estimate all of that by doing some research. In the longer term, you'll have a strong incentive to increase your earning power and the costs of childcare will decrease.