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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

trying to leave the fuckwit

18 replies

guyfawk · 03/03/2015 21:12

My exdp threatened to kill me. He did it with a fist raised whilst I was holding my (young but old enough to understand) daughter.

I called the police.

They took away him away for the night to sober up. They didn't charge him as 'it's just words'. They rang me to ask if I wanted to go pick him up. I declined.

I went to court to ask that DD and I could live free from his threats in our own home. They judge agreed that he shouldn't threaten me. But he didn't want to make him leave his own house as that's not fair on him.

The judge suggested that the non-mol order might make him angry, and that I should have a plan.

Thanks for that. Really, thanks.

OP posts:
whitsernam · 03/03/2015 21:15

OMG!! Unf&^%ingbelievable.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2015 21:22

That is utterly crap but not really all that surprising. Have you spoken to Women's Aid ?

Original poster
guyfawk · 03/03/2015 21:29

No, but some of the other support (eg social services, NCDV) have been great and really supportive.

I just want the law to support my right to live peacefully and not in fear.

I have to be the one that leaves and that's shit. And he'll not let me take my daughter and that's not bearable.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/03/2015 21:31

Are you the primary carer ? He can't stop you from taking your dd with you if you leave him. Consult the professionals again.

Original poster
guyfawk · 03/03/2015 21:35

No, we both work full time so I don't count as the primary carer.

He stops me leaving the house with her now. He's bigger than me.

I'll find a way, but I'm sure he'll just take her back again like an object.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 03/03/2015 22:09

Jesus, I'm sorry.

Law enforcement failed me too, with an ex-h who threatened to kill me, but I don't have a child to protect.

It's wrong. So very wrong. And I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Keep asking for help. Some professionals are idiots, but others are not.

Wishing you strength.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2015 22:15

call the police when he stops you leaving

are there any more officially documented instances of his intimidation and threats of violence ?

if not, make them

zipzap · 03/03/2015 22:22

Could you get the police involved and say that given his history of dv against you and the fact that he did it while you were holding your dd that you are worried that you are not there to protect her and that he will inflict dv on your dd if he is left alone with her?

Maybe talk to women's aid to see if they have any advice?

Likewise, talk to childline and make sure that your dd knows how to ring 999 in an emergency, also your mobile number, and any other age appropriate safety measures you can think of...

Would a sw be able to help intervene if you say that you are worried about your dd's safety?

Given the big hooha around the new measures announced today / recently about introducing criminal prosecutions for any teachers or social workers that don't report abuse, try talking to your mp, they can often be helpful. Llikewise, as for help from your dd's school - get to school before your dh and make sure that you take her home? Find the right words to say that you want to safeguard your dd and that you are worried that she will be subject to violence and abuse from your exdp (assuming that you are!) and that you want to get it on record in as many places as possible in order to get some help from anywhere...

good luck - it's outrageous when a judge can dismiss something like this without seemingly having a second thought SadAngry

username12345x · 03/03/2015 22:29

That sounds pretty outrageous. IF you want to you can complain about judge online here:

judicialconduct.judiciary.gov.uk/

iwashappy · 03/03/2015 22:55

That is absolutely dreadful, I am so sorry.

"The Judge agreed that he shouldn't threaten me" how bloody good of him! How can they not take that seriously! I am pleased you are getting support from other areas.

I would log anything remotely threatening or intimidating with the police in future (hoping that situation doesn't happen) including him trying to stop you leaving the house.

I hope you get the support and help you need to get into a situation where you can live without fear with your DD. I am sorry I can't offer any advice as I haven't been in a situation like yours but I think you have been badly let down by the Judge and I hope you and your DD are okay. Look after yourself.

Original poster
guyfawk · 04/03/2015 06:16

All the relevant people know (ie school, childcare, my work) and a 'team around the child' is being put together. He hasn't hurt her though, it's just witnessing the abuse.

I did get a non-mol order and once that's served then the police will have more powers. I'd just rather not have one more incident.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/03/2015 06:25

'Just' exposing her to dv is abuse of course, and social workers know that. Does the non mol mean you can get him out of the house? Or do you need an occupation order for that?

Original poster
guyfawk · 04/03/2015 06:48

I do know that Ehric, and yes the social workers do too. it seems (on here) that is largely wiped clean once the parents split.

I applied for both, but didn't get the occupation part.

OP posts:
Original poster
guyfawk · 04/03/2015 16:21

I hope that didn't come across as rude Ehric, I just meant I'm not in denial about how bad this is for her.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 19:33

how are things today, guy ?

Original poster
guyfawk · 05/03/2015 22:11

The order has been served. Decided not to see what the reaction was so am well off out of it. Not letting the bastard control everything or have everything. He's taken so much from me already.

It's a long way from over though so I need to work out what to do next.

OP posts:
iwashappy · 05/03/2015 22:22

Good on you. I hope you get all the support and help you need to get you and your DD living in a safe environment.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 22:31

Keep going Thanks

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