relationship falling apart...

[EasyToEatTiger]

Lack of communication, verbal abuse, blame.... I just don't know how to disentangle myself from decades of relationship. Yesterday I was called delusional and a cunt. Then I was blamed for this name-calling. To say my husband was cruel barely touches the sides. I am very much the second wife and the first very sensibly disengaged. I stupidly listened to a litany of complaints about her. Now that person is me. I have been bullied and abused behind closed doors and have needed a huge amount of help to survive. I just don't think I deserve more. It hurts.

Hi Easy. What is your situation? Do you have and DCs? Is there a reason you can't leave I.e. Financial?

I can totally sympathise with you. My STBXH is verbally abusive, he once called me a c*nt in front of one of my friends and I laughed it off, she was horrified.

I gathered all my courage 2 months ago and told him I wanted to split & he was totally shocked! You can do it but it takes some time to get your head around that.

Yes, we have 2 dcs. Financially it is difficult. Turning round my financial woes is like doing a handbrake turn in a container ship. It's not about money; it's about feeling worthless. I have told him that all the switches are going off and really I don't care what he calls me.

You are not worthless. You are worth ten of him.

Do you want to leave? Do you want to stay?

Does anyone in your immediate circle know of your troubles?

Only our councellor. OH does not want to see him because he doesn't want him to hear what he called me. OH is often grumpy and bad tempered, complains that he is depressed, fails to do anything about it, and tells me it's my fault. He has always sulked and grumped. His other family testify to this.

My original family is not a safe place and no, I have nowhere to go. I don't know what to do.

I agree, you are not worthless, it is him that has the issues. I am assuming you have spoken to him about how he makes you feel? Does he acknowledge that there is a problem.

Financial difficulties will make it harder but you have DCs who will be aware of the atmosphere & the dynamic of the relationship & it will not be good for their emotional health.

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to for support?

You're so wrong; you do deserve more. You are worth a million times more than this pitiful existence he has subjected you, and in turn your children as well, to. They see you being abused by him and are damaged themselves by seeing that.

Womens Aid can and will help you leave; their number is 0808 2000 247. The NCDV (National centre for Domestic Violence) on 0844 8044 999 provides free legal advice.

Confide in others now; abuse thrives on secrecy. Report him to the Police and see if you can also get a Non Molestation Order.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any sort within the relationship so he seeing this counsellor would be a waste of time anyway. Such men often bamboozle counsellors into making them feel sorry for them as the abuser. Also to his thinking, the problem is with you and not he because he is never wrong.

What has this counsellor said about what is happening to you?.

There is help out there for you and the CAB can advise you as well re the financials. No obstacle to leaving is really insurmountable. Such men do not change; the longer you remain within this the more difficult life for you and your children becomes.

This link is also worth a read too:-

www.whatiscodependency.com/the-truth-about-domestic-violence-and-abusive-relationships/

Do you work? Could you go back to work if not?

Can you afford the family home on your own?

Have you checked your benefit entitlements as a single/working parent?

I think your dh is very abusive, he is abusing you and he has ground you down, hence finding yourself here.

I wish I could say he will change but I've never known it to happen.

The most you will get from him is I frequent periods of niceness when he senses he has overstepped the mark. These never last long.

Your husband is likely to be a very damaged individual and his behaviour will be ingrained in him. He will be unable to see how it impacts you and he will blame all his woes on you. You will be one so confused that eventually you start believing him and wondering if it is you. It isn't.

This is why you now feel worthless because nothing you ever did or do is good enough. Be warned it never will be.

Keep posting for support.

It is a US based article but the main body of it is relevant to you.

Please get some help, it doesn't have to be like this, it appears that you are starting to switch off emotionally and that isn't healthy...by all means distance yourself from him, but don't lose who your are

there is some really good advice on here, please read it, and try to get an individual counsellor

You are absolutely not worthless...he is the useless piece of shit in this

sorry to hear you are going through this. keep talking you will get good advice here.

I think MN should create a 'like' button for posts because some posts are fabulous! I agree with so much that has been said here.

Yes, a Like button would be brilliant. I feel like behaving in a very childish way. I feel like leaving Cunt messages all over the place for him. I feel like calling him a cunt instead of his given name. I rename him cunt. Rather sad really as I don't think cunt is a particularly rude word. He said it was not as serious as hitting me. What an idiot. At least he slept in the spare room. Then I can sleep with the dogs.

You can change your future OP. But if you don't make changes you cannot expect anything to change. Especially your husband because you will waste your life in doing so.

Maybe you are not ready to leave yet. It's hard to get out.

Life isn't a battleground, it sounds rather unpleasant for you right now.

I think it is time he moved onto pastures new and found someone else to listen to his litany of wifely complaints. It's very difficult to reconcile, because when he's not being bad tempered, losing his temper, sulking or complaining, he's quite nice. He doesn't recognise any of the bad temper, sulking etc as being him and he thinks I'm deluded for noticing them. I'm fairly certain he didn't hit his first wife, but I know he was bad tempered and miserable and complained about her. What a fool I am. The writing was on the wall when we met.

I actually don't know how to be at the moment. I really don't know. I have been leaving OH out of my family arrangements for some time. All my family think he's marvellous. My family is dysfunction Central and a chocolate teapot is more useful.

You do know that no-one should treat their life partner as he is treating you don't you?

Honestly OP I have been there and can I beg you to go and see a solicitor without telling him and understand exactly what your position would be if you split up. You don't have to do anything with the knowledge unless you want to but you should make sure you have that knowledge in the first place. I suspect you will find you have more options than you think.

I was with my exH for 30 years, married for over 20. He was EA and massively entitled and a cheater. Everything had to revolve around him and his sense of importance. Eventually (thankfully) he traded me in for a younger model(s). I'm sure he treats them the same as he treated me.

I say thankfully because now I have the life I wish I had had for the previous 30 years. No-one belittles me or makes me feel inadequate all the time. I'm not looking for another relationship ever but the peacefulness of life with just me and the DC is so wonderful.

No-one ever looks back at their life with a horrible man and says "oh my goodness I wish we had more years together" I promise you. Put yourself and your DC first and start thinking about escaping from your prison. It is easier than you think.

You will have huge support on this board whenever you need it.

I don't know, but is it sensible to keep a diary? I am well aware of my own shortcomings, but I certainly don't deserve to be called a cunt and someone who has done nothing in their life. I don't want to end up playing some stupid power game. I have told him that I take his behaviour very, very seriously and were my dds to be treated in the same way, I would be devastated.

Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. When you are in the middle of an abusive relationship it is very difficult to exercise good judgement. You find yourself wondering 'is this normal?' when it is anything but. Joint counselling is totally pointless and can even be harmful where there is bullying behaviour - so see your counsellor individually and leave him out of it

You don't need to keep a diary, you need to get him out of your environment as a matter of urgency. You need legal, practical, financial and moral support. You may even qualify for short-term refuge, emergency housing or similar. That's why you should call Womens Aid.

Good luck and please pick up the phone.

Thank you all. I am not in mortal danger. I just need to become much, much more self sufficient. It's very sad.

You may not be in physical danger but being subjected to a campaign of cruelty causes very real mental distress, crushes your self-esteem and makes it very difficult to find the confidence and strength to get yourself out. The longer it carries on, the worse this gets. Over time, mental stress can result in physical illness, weight problems, alcohol problems and so on.

You said 'were my DDs to be treated the same way, I'd be devastated'.... are your DDs with you? Are they witnessing this behaviour?