Missing MiL since split. What to do?

[Balders74]

The back story is that I told EA, controlling STBXH that I wanted to split 2 months ago. It came as a total shock to him even though I have told him so many times how unhappy the DC & I were. I was very close to his DM & she was like a Mother to me for 16 years. When we split he said I had to tell his parents because I had made the decision. I told them & his Dsis who lives with them, it was a brief conversation & they were all upset. I have not seen my MiL since .

There have been some texts about practical stuff, they have the DC after school on a Tuesday & it was DS's birthday recently so I text her about presents but nothing meaningful.

There have been a couple of things that have hurt me in these two months. It was my birthday a week after we split, I got a card from PiL but it didn't even have my name in it. Last month one of our dogs died, I was heartbroken & they would have known that but they didn't even send a text. DD got a text from FiL on the day saying 'Hope you are ok. Love to you, A & Dad'. That hurt.

I have tried speaking to STBXH about it & he says that his Mum is devastated by our split, that she thought of me as a daughter & she has done so much for me over the years.

Now I totally understand that she is going to stand by her DS, even though they are very aware of what he is like & the effect it had on all of us. I think she is put out that I did something about it but I am guessing.

She has done a lot for us over the years but mainly because STBXH was so bloody useless. She took on a parental role because he wouldn't step up. They have helped us financially because he could never keep a job, looked after the DC so I could work. I have always shown how grateful I am.

She became sick a couple of years ago & spent a long time in hospital. She became a shadow of herself & STBXH stuck his head firmly in the sand. So I was the one that stepped in & supported his DSis & DF. She is much better now but her illness is ongoing & he has recently told me he doesn't think she will last the rest of the year.

I have tried to reach out. I sent her an email about a month ago explaining that I loved & missed her but have had nothing back. The thing is that SiL & FiL are quite controlling. SiL has MH issues that make her quite paranoid & ironically it was me that supported her when she had her last breakdown & no-one knew what to do.

Today I am really missing her, I'm not sure why I feel it so keenly today. I don't know what to do. I don't feel that I can just turn up at their house because SiL & FiL will be there glaring at me. I've tried emailing. Do I try texting her & tell her I miss her? The problem is that if she didn't reply to that either then I would feel totally rejected but on the other hand I would know where I stand.

I have spoken to RL friends who have said just to leave it & let them come to me but if MiL's health is deteriorating then that may not happen as the rest of the family may feel they are protecting her from me.

Your opinions would be very welcome (sorry it's so long).

I can imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you - I would have been more gutted to lose my relationship with my exMIL than I was to lose my exH. What made it easy for me to maintain that relationship was that he left me for an OW - and I did not kick up a fuss but went the 'amicable' route, mainly so that I would maintain my relationship with MIL and other members of his family.

I think from her POV you have left them not just him. If, as you say, she worked hard to support you, taking his place in many ways, you are effectively saying that was not enough -so all the support she gave didn't save the marriage. On some level she must have been hoping it would. That would be my take on it.

Thanks Cats. I stayed for as long as I did because I didn't want to hurt my MiL & lose the relationship with her but I couldn't go on mainly for the sake of our DC.

I agree she must be hurt but do I wait for her to come to me or do I try & push my way back in?

I'd send her a nice card, just saying 'thinking of you, can you come out for a cup of tea next Saturday with DC?".

I think you have to wait.

you will have some contact with her over time because of the children. She may understand very well why you split but it still has to be hard for her.

Also she has her husband who is controlling; is he the sort of man who'd give her a hard time if she immediately kept on being friendly and close to you? He may also think that a woman should stick by the man no matter what ... after all he has a vested interest in thinking that, doesn't he. You have gone against what he expects and he won't like that, plus ofc he cares for his son.

The fact that you've done something about your bad relationship may actually remind her rather sharply that she is in a controlling relationship and, well, has not left.

In the end you can't force a relationship. You've told her clearly in the email how you feel. I think you have to wait for a bit. Keep the kid-orientated texts warm, send her a card for her birthday etc. Keep handovers warm but accept that there is distance for now. It may stay distant but if you are lucky, things will move back to a closer footing in time. You've said you miss her; pushing too hard now may well do more harm than good.

I think it's worth a try for texting but you do have to prepare yourself that she may not feel able to sustain a loving relationship with you.

I haven't read your previous threads so not aware of your full situation but you did say that FIL is very controlling (and no doubt that's where your ex learned his behaviour.) There may be a part of her that feels "I put up with it all these years, why can't Balders?"

It's Mothers Day soon. Maybe send a card and suggest a meet-up?

Sometimes there is collateral damage that you can do nothing about.

I picked SIL over my brother. But, he was my brother not my son.

Your MIL has an awful lot on her plate. Plus an illness that may make her time left very short. I think an ostrich stance is understandable under those circumstance. Working through things with my SIL took time. There were pains and glitches over guilt by association for example. SIL and I had the luxury of time. Your MIL doesn't sound like she does.

Sometimes, and this is far from an easy thing to do, you have to let people be in order to make a priority of their needs and wants over your own.

If she is dying, then I think the limits left on her time have to be factored in by allowing her to dictate how what life is left gets spent, without any additional stresses added. Even if she chooses to believe a very distorted vision of her family, her life, her loves.

Keep the channels open in case she wants a goodbye. But maybe consider giving her the space to hold onto to her vision of what her life has been so as not to create any more regrets over and above having to leave the people she loves.

And I know that is incredibly easy to say, but so very very hard to contemplate doing, becuase it sounds like your affection for her is deep, genuine and a source of very real pain due to the loss of her in your life.

I'm so sorry love. This is an awful place to be in.

Thank you for your replies. I agree that they may resent that I have not just accepted his behaviour. His Grandfather was a difficult man & they stayed together until the end, the same with his parents so I think they are a bit shocked I didn't just suck it up & get on with it. I really did not want a forth generation of arsehole created in my DS.

I am considering sending her a card on Mothers Day, just saying that I miss her.

FiL masks his controlling with concern for her welfare so he may be discouraging contact so she doesn't get upset 'think of your health dear'.

The ironic thing is that they have a rocky relationship with STBXH because he can be such an arse & it was me that kept us in contact in the past.

He spends a lot of time round their house now & I know that must be driving them mad. I must admit to an evil chuckle about that

I also wonder if things may improve when STBXH leaves. We are all still under the same roof, me sleeping with DD. He is waiting to hear about a house to rent, so we are all in limbo a bit at the moment. Maybe when things have moved on & they see that the DC are happier & he has been forced to sort his shit out, they will realise it was for the best.

Thank you Fog. Your message made me cry but you're right, I am not a priority for her. The thing is I only have his word for the state of her health. I have asked the DC how she seems & they said she seems fine, although I realise they will not be aware of what is going on.

I have asked STBXH what her results have been recently but I never get a clear answer. It was always me that remembered her appointments & called afterwards to see how they had gone. Before Christmas she was told that her cancer may be back but I have not been able to find anything out since.

I think I'll send a card on Mothers Day & leave it that.

Maybe you could try to visit her?
At least you will see her behaviour towards you...
From there you will know to step away or have some hope.
If your heart says something maybe it's a gut feeling?
If she has health issues and if you sit and wait for her to come it might be too late. Life is too short.

Good luck, x

I don't think you aren't a priority deliberately love. More a case of maybe she can't afford to make you one, becuase a flotilla of circumstances make it too expensive (in terms of energy, stress, push back and conflict) to contemplate.

Instead of texting why don't you just call her and tell her you miss her so much.

the card sounds a good idea.

Hello Balders

A sad situation for your MIL & for yourself

Perhaps MIL feels that if she maintains contact with you, she is somehow betraying her son

MIL's priority should be her health & her happiness

If MIL & FIL maintain contact with your children that is good, perhaps you could take some comfort in this

Perhaps your MIL & FIL think that your family should have stayed together ?

Good luck