Has anyone else felt like this? Do you think it is you or your DP who is messing up...

[tuesdaydays1]

I have got into a spiral of feeling insecure and not feeling like my DP will stick around. We've been together for 3 years. He is a lot more relaxed than me, and I've noticed (not through game-playing but just naturally), that when I am busier, he is much more attentive. Even down to smaller things like more texts, more loving texts etc. I feel as if the more I have fallen in love with him, the more he neglects the relationship. Don't get me wrong, he is caring and when I am not in my 'insecure' phase, things are really good between us. I have begun more and more to measure my own worth on his feelings towards me - hence why I am always so keen to 'check' he still loves and wants me. In reality, though, I know this makes me less attractive. I do have many friends and I do have hobbies (dance class once a week and swimming instructor after work some nights). I also meet up with friends regularly and go on trips with them. He seemed to want my attention much much more at the start of the relationship (I know this is natural in some ways).

Has anyone else ever been through this? I know the usual things to say are get a hobby, see friends more etc etc but I feel that I have all that and do those things. I just want to know if my DP's actions do really mean that he's not that bothered (ie he is bothered only when I am aloof), or whether this is totally natural for someone to become distant/more attentive depending on how you act, even if they really love you.

Thanks.

I used to be sure.

Now I'm not so sure. I feel like I have been so attentive and caring towards him from day 1, that what has happened is he has come to accept my ways and assume that I will never let him down. To the point where he probably isn't even half inclined to make much effort anymore.

I guess that's my own fault for not having put myself first on various ocassions, so he has come to accept that I will stick with it no matter what. I don't know how to rewind it and make it better/how he used to be.

tuesday you can't rewind, but you can change things moving forward if that's what you want. Counselling could help you explore the reasons behind your insecurities, or if you don't want to go down that route you can start to put yourself first from time to time. I think that as humans we do become reliant on people who seem to always be there and take them for granted (however unconsciously). Have you talked to your DP about how you are feeling?

I imagine I am quite a bit older than you so do have a different outlook on life, but if the stress of worrying that he's going to leave you is making you so unhappy, it's definitely time to make some changes, be it within yourself or in deciding if the relationship is worth it.

I have told my DP. He says I am beig silly and that he loves me. I told him last week that when he messages me in the day via instant messanger, that I find it horrible for him to just log off without saying bye... and since that chat he's been even worse! Genuinely. To the point where I feel like he's just laughing at me. He claims he has to 'rush off' to an appointmnet...but really, how hard is it to make it known that you've got to go? Just mention it earlier in the chat, surely? It;s stuff like that..

I know this is of no help to you, but I do think technology and people being contactable 24/7 is a baaaad thing.... I can't imagine chatting to a partner throughout the day and then seeing them in the evening too, what's left to talk about?

I'm single now and clearly have no chance of playing the dating game in the digital age. Mobile phones weren't even invented last time I was "out there" (well they were but were the size of a house brick)

I've been on both sides of this. With one ex he was very into texting during the day just to say 'i love you' etc, he was very very attentive to the point where i was bowled over with love. At the beginning it was great but as the relationship continued it seemed more suffocating than loving.

Upthread you asked do you ever feel that if you really, really loved him, you would like that kind of behaviour? to be honest it started to put me off. As I said, it became suffocating. And around this time I started to emotionally check out of the relationship - it was just too much to cope with. The relationship ended, this being one of the reasons but mainly incompatibility. Having said that, when it ended i was more relieved than sad.

With another ex I was the one who 'loved more' so to speak. We started out on an even-keel but he used to pull away, which would provoke more 'love' from me. Similarly to what you say OP, when I mentioned it to him it kind of got worse... almost as though he would pull away on purpose to provoke that reaction in me. It was emotional turmoil! I let it go on for too long thinking that if i could just be loving enough he would eventually reciprocate. Actually he stored it in his emotional abuse arsenal.

Not sure who mentioned upthread but at various points one will 'love' more than the other. But IMHO it should not make one partner doubt the intentions of the other. That way madness lies. Ideally it shouldn't be even noticeable but it should balance out in equal relationships. The ex I referred to whom I loved more abused that, not surprisingly, to my detriment. Infact it got to the point where if he said he'd call at 8pm for example, and he did, I'd be jumping up and down thanking my lucky stars! WTF is that!? Certainly no way to live! An uneven dynamic tends to ground someone down and with that their self-esteem and self-worth. I'm now out of that relationship but not after a few (harsh) lessons learned.

I agree, cut down on communication then maybe the spark will be there when you do speak. Why on earth do you need to message each other during the day? Also, on a medium like messenger there is nothing wrong with 'Got to go, bye' - if you need to say 'love you' in detail every time then it rapidly becomes a bit tiresome and meaningless.

I have been desperately, longingly, passionately in love and missed someone with every fibre of my being when we were separated, but I have still only ever needed us to speak once a day!

I agree that a lot of the problems come from texting/messaging etc. Some people are instant repliers, others aren't and that causes issues.

My DP used to send me more messages during the day. Just little 'thinking of you' type things. I would also send him links to things and little rambling messages but if he was in a meeting or something and didn't reply for a couple of hours I felt a bit put out, as I work at home so generally messages are answered instantly.

I think your DP's reaction to you talking to him says a lot though. When you've specifically told him something that bothers you and he is not only refusing to rectify it, he's being even worse, I think you need to ask yourself how much effort it's worth putting in.

If you read about Pursuer/Distancer relationships it will explain why your DP gets more attentive when you are busy and cool things, and conversely is hard to reach when you are feeling insecure and needy. It is a dance and you can change the way you respond. Some people only play one role while most of us take turns.

OP what you describe may be somewhat common, but I don't think it's at all healthy and clearly it's not making you happy. I sympathise as I have been in relationships like this before and it sucks. It doesn't mean either of you are bad people, it just sounds like you are not compatible. Or maybe, I hate to say it, he doesn't really love you the way you want him to.

You will never be happy in this dynamic and if talking to him hasn't changed anything, then you have some hard thinking to do about whether you stay with him. It sounds like you don't live together yet? If it's like this now, how do you think it will get better?

I've had this issue with exes and they're exes for a reason. I never had this with DH, in fact it's exactly how I knew he was the right guy for me. My advice would be to really think about whether your DP is the right guy for you.

I was with a guy like this for 3 years. It did my head in. It went in a horrible cycle where he would push me away, I would feel insecure, I would become distant, he would become more affectionate, I would come closer, he would push me away again. I can honestly say it was the most stressful head fuck relationship I have ever been in. Every day felt like moves in a game. There was no just enjoying it.

Suffice to say I haven't been in a serious relationship since.

Have a watch of this: www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en

You may find it enlightening and interesting.

I think a lot of it comes down to confidence and if you're insecure and always presume your dp isn't thinking of you or caring about you then you are doomed to feel like this whatever he does.

I have recommended this book elsewhere, but try reading The Chimp Paradox. It is a fairly simple read, but might help you to try and look for the positives in a situation and imagine the best of your dp.

Great ted talk - lots of thoughtful points!

he has come to accept that I will stick with it no matter what

That's an odd statement.

Would you really stick with it no matter what?

What is it that you have stuck with so far?

It's part of romantic love! If you feel your going to lose something u want it more, if you feel your safe your more relaxed and enjoying what u have. You both need to get to a place where you both feel genuinely safe in the relationship and love each other for who you are, not because you can ignite fearful emotions in each other

Thanks for posting about Pursuer and Distancer -- VERY interesting reading!

Yes, WhatsGoingOnEh, Distance is SEXY.

That's the theme of a book by Esther Perel, mentioned by hotcupofjoe above, entitled Mating in Captivity - which I'm just re-reading.

Here's a quote that caught my eye: passion in a relationship is commensurate with the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate

Neediness is never attractive. And it can extinguish desire.