Feeling insecure and getting over it

[SenslessSense]

Regular poster but have namechanged as there may be a few details which could out me.

A little bit of background and sorry if I keep some details slightly vague. I am a single parent to DC. There is no contact at all with ex so no EOW visits or anything like that to him. Relationship with my ex wasn't good

I met someone about 4 months back and have been seeing him fairly regularly. The relationship has progressed over time and we have recently spoken about him meeting DC in the near future, very comfortable in each others company and generally speaking the relationship (although early on) is really good and I am really happy.

The problem is me (and it really is me). I think due to my past relationship I can be quite a nervous person, it doesn't come across all the time because outwardly I can appear to me quite happy confident and relaxed and not many people pick up on it. This is something which has been noticed and mostly overcome. He knows and has actually been really understanding and has helped me to relax a bit.

Now that I have overcome that part I have found myself feeling quite vulnerable and insecure. I don't have trust issues but I have become accutely aware that this is the first time in a long time that I am opening myself up to someone and they have the ability to hurt me. Sounds daft really but I guess up until now I hadn't really realised that I had built a barrier to the extent I have, one that was there to completly shield and protect myself from being hurt.

I have had fleeting flirtations with a couple of people but I always held back just that bit more than them. Let them care just a little bit more and I felt like I was able to walk away. I didn't really realise I had done it until now.

I have had a lovely weekend with him but now have the knot in my stomach that you get when you are dreading something. It's like the nerves x 100.

Any advice in how to handle this would be great because I hate feeling like this and he has done absolutely nothing wrong or anything to even influence this feeling.

Sorry it's a it of a ramble, struggled actually putting it down in words.

It's natural that after a bad experience you are nervous, this is a protection measure. You maybe just need to give yourself and take things slowly, there are no guarantees in life but hopefully, this time, you are a bit wiser and can spot problems before they become an issue

Have faith in yourself

Yeah, I think you're probably right. It's been great having the time to spend with him to get to know him properly as my parents have been great at watching DC for me although it is getting to the point that I don't want to ask them to babysit as they are grandparents afterall. They are happy to help me out but I dont want it becoming too much for them.

I am happy for him to meet my DC also as it does appear to have developed into a long term relationship, or at least that is th route it's heading in.

Hopefully you are right about spotting problems, I guess I even doubt myself sometimes as I missed some huge red flags with ex.

I need to try and just relax and not worry about nothing as that's what I seem to be doing. Nothing has happened, everrything is great but I'm still worrying.

Just take it slowly, there is no rush for him to meet your Dc. Try and carry on with the life you have built and don't become too dependent on him too soon

Other than that enjoy everyone deserves a little love!

I had this! Exactly this, when I met DP after my husband left me. It's scary to open yourself up to potentially be hurt again.

Please just remind yourself that you are STRONG. The worst, really, has already happened - your child's father left you all alone to raise your DC. That's really about the worst that can ever happen in relationships. And you coped! You survived! You even thrived, bouncing back so well that you met a lovely new man!

You can survive anything now. You are bulletproof! So if this relationship finished then yes, it'd be awful, but it'll never be worse than things you've already lived through.

I kept my relationship with DP going VERY SLOWLY at the start, and he only met the kids after he'd said he loved me and wanted a future together. That was at about 6 months. I really don't think there's any kind of rush. And ask your parents if the babysitting is becoming an issue - it probably isn't. Don't use that as an excuse to push things ahead.

Take it VERY slowly.

I really don't feel like it's rushing. It wouldn't be a case of him being around all the time it's more so that he can come round in the evening and DC knows who he is in the event of waking etc. I'm very much wanting to keep things on a steady footing and not jump in head first but because I am a single parent with only the free time that my parents have offered to take DC it would make my life a bit easier if I felt comfortable having him around the house while DC is in bed or if he was a bit early I wouldn't be panicking and getting DC off to bed asap if that makes sense.

I am by no means looking for an immediate family fit but I do think it's important that he, myself and dc are all comfortable enough around each other that it's not awkward when paths cross.

Thanks whatsgoingon, glad it isn't just me that has felt this. I honestly thought I was going a bit loopy having this feeling.

It's a big thing really starting to trust someone again. I actually didn't realise how much so until recently.

What age are dc? Does he have any?

Almost 4, he doesn't have any but has a few young children in the family and spends alot of time with them and on occassion babysits.

Personally I would leave it a bit longer, you still seem a wee bit unsure of the relationship, and that it find, but I don't think I would want anyone in my doc life until I was more settled with it all

I don't think it's that I'm unsure, it's hard to explain. It's just trusting someone has been a big deal for me and I guess it's left me feeling a bit vulnerable I guess.

It would be another month or so until they met anyway so I think I'll see how I'm feeling then. I am going to explain how I'm feeling to him as he has actually been amazing with everything else.

Great, I hope everything works out for you

Thanks