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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lied to for years . Feel so hurt :(

21 replies

beautifulmess0 · 02/03/2015 17:42

I know some of you may think i deserve this i feel so awful right now, long story short.. i have had a older friend for a few years through a company i used to work for many years ago we had a thing but then i got with my boyfriend and he moved on to other women we were both happy and kept in touch now and again simply as friends, i was with my long term boyfriend but he turned abusive about 3 years in ,anyway the last year ive been seeing this older man probably because i was so lonely and unhappy with my abusive boyfriend although i do realise this is not a excuse . Anyway things were going really well and even talked about being together long term properly but then last week i found out he lied about how old is he... he literally is a few years older than he claimed so its not the age that is the issue, its the fact he lied to me for such a long time and now to make things worse i confronted him and asked him why he lied to me about his age since then ive still not had a explaination, he wont explain anything and now has cut me out of his life just like that. He txted me saying he is blocking my number and that we are finished for good. Over the weekend ive been trying to get my head round why on earth he lied about a few years and why now has he gave no explaination or bothered to try and contact me, i feel so stupid and i obviously am worthless to him and meant nothing, it hurts so much right now i am in love with him and i guess ive only just realised how much.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 02/03/2015 17:54

That is very peculiar. I'm wondering if there are more lies linked to the first one and he's ashamed of something.

Sadly he has made it very clear he doesn't want you and since you now know he's a liar it's probably for the best.

I hope you won't feel bad for too long. Suddenly realising how much you loves him might be a reaction to suddenly being dumped so unceremoniously.

MitchellGirl · 02/03/2015 18:04

Maybe focussing on dumping your abusive boyfriend will take your mind off your older friend.

alwayslookingforsomething · 02/03/2015 18:06

Sounds like it is over and as hard as it is, it is something you have to accept

He is sending you a clear message that it is over by blocking your number

Easier said then done I know

forumdonkey · 02/03/2015 18:14

That is not a good reaction to being lied to. Just the way he has reacted would suggest he is better off out of your life than in. Its like he is wanting to punish you for his lies - massive deflection and denial for his bad behaviour. I'd bet there's more you don't know about.

MadameJulienBaptiste · 02/03/2015 18:18

He lied about his age in case it put you off at first.
Then never told you the truth which didn't matter as you weren't an item.
then you discuss a future, he comes clean and you are horrified about it.
If you like him enough to want a future with him then why are you so fussed about a few years?
You've obviously pissed him off making such a fuss about it so he's dumped you.
I am 8 yrs older than Dp and I fibbed about my age at first then had to come clean after a couple of months when it was turning into a proper relationship.
he was fine about it and understood why I did it in the first place.

MadameJulienBaptiste · 02/03/2015 18:21

Oh and yes, why are you so mad at him for lying when you are seeing him behind someone's back! Do you tell your boyfriend when you are seeing this old flame or do you, er, lie?

Unexpected · 02/03/2015 18:26

When you say he lied to you for years, what he has actually done is lie to you ONCE (to your knowledge) a number of years ago about his age. Who knows why he did it but at the time it probably didn't matter much to him - you were work friends who had a "thing" - I presume that means it was a short relationship and he probably never anticipated ending up with you or that this one lie would ever matter. I think he was embarrassed at being caught out, it sounds like you made a big deal out of it and he has decided that he doesn't need the drama.

CheersMedea · 02/03/2015 18:26

now to make things worse i confronted him and asked him why he lied to me about his age since then ive still not had a explaination, he wont explain anything and now has cut me out of his life just like that.

This sounds very odd indeed. How did you find out he lied?

There must be more to it for him to just cut you out of his life.

The main things that spring to my mind are:

there are more lies here and this is the tip of the iceberg.
the way you told him/your source made him feel as if you were spying on him and he felt violated and acted out.
his true age is something he has lied about in circumstances were it really matters to his life (eg. job application) and if it is revealed he would be sacked etc.
he is a control freak/raging narcissist so when confronted he felt challenged and out of control and went a bit insane. his only way to manage that lack of control about knowledge of his age is to cut you out of his life.

Those are my best offers. Sorry you are hurting. It is always horrific when your feelings aren't reciprocated but some how doubly worse when you had thought they were. It's like you are hurt and having to cope with doubting your own judgment.

Original poster

beautifulmess0 · 02/03/2015 18:32

No he didnt confess his age i found out and i simply just asked him why he lied about his age, he did not give me any explaination and just ended it. I didnt kick up a fuss or anything the age doesnt bother me one bit thats why im so confused as its only 4 years out of what he said he was. He lied more than one time to me about his age as when we spoke about the age gap he was making out the age he said he was rather then his real age, anyway the age im not bothered about it just seems last week he wanted a future etc and now cos ive asked him why he lied about his age he simply doesnt want anything. really confused and having no answers hurts

OP posts:

CheersMedea · 02/03/2015 18:34

How did you find out though?

Original poster

beautifulmess0 · 02/03/2015 18:40

Someone who i used to work with asked me if i was still seen him and i said yes and they asked if the age gap mattered etc then they mentioned his age and to check online so i did ( birth records) , i know this is abit crazy in itself but i had to check and im glad i did now because in a way now i know that i am worthless to him.
I just cant get my head round why he did it when i could have found out at anytime. And now i dont understand why he has cut me out just like that after years of saying he wanted us and espcially after the last year.
Hurts so much

OP posts:

CheersMedea · 02/03/2015 18:49

So the person who told you knew he was lying about his age. That seems like a weird thing to do - to alert you to it - particularly if it was just a few years.

I reckon there is something else going on here with him because it makes no sense.

Did you tell him the identity of the person who told you? Do you think that could be the issue?

Original poster

beautifulmess0 · 02/03/2015 18:53

No he hasnt asked me how i know, he hasnt said anything regarding his real age, he just simply said that we are finished and that he is cutting me out of his life.
Its all so strange i have no idea what to think. Just feel so crap right now and have done all weekend

OP posts:

alwayslookingforsomething · 02/03/2015 18:58

I hope you start to feel better soon. It would be good to have an explanation but doesn't look like you are going to get one.

You have to find a way to move on

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 02/03/2015 19:02

Maybe he has more to hide, and is breaking up before you dig deeper.
I understand it hurts, but try to focus your energies on your relationship rather than dwelling on the older man.

forumdonkey · 02/03/2015 19:07

I really think his reaction to this is the big issue here far more than shaving a few years off his age

springydaffs · 02/03/2015 19:09

oh that's just horrible.

Darling, get rid of the abusive boyfriend - have you done the Programme ? Click on 'find a course' to find one near you.It will boost your confidence no end.

Then you can start looking for love and validation in the right places xx

springydaffs · 02/03/2015 19:11

Freedom Programme!

GirlDownUnder · 03/03/2015 01:29

Maybe he wanted to end your relationship but felt like he needed a reason?

Are you still with the abusive BF?

If so, are you sure you're not hung up on your friend because you think he's your escape route?

Undecided90 · 03/03/2015 05:07

Well, you have both lied seeing as you are still with your boyfriend. Maybe he feels you are being hypocritical. Or maybe he is hiding something. It is a weird reaction and personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who could drop me so easily.

springydaffs · 04/03/2015 01:23

Cut and pasted a post by Nickifury on another thread, which seems apt -

Maybe so but many women who post on here don't know about those red flags and OP is clearly hurting (who wouldn't be?) a bit of kindness and less blame wouldn't have gone amiss.

I hope you feel better soon OP.

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