DH under stress, angry (long, sorry)

[mynamefortoday]

My DH has been under a lot of stress lately, actually we both have, but more him. It’s not just his job, it’s everything that he has worked towards in the past year, our financial situation, our possible relocation, etc, everything depends on this one thing and he received some bad news last night.
So I understand that he is upset and on the edge, but I still think he was wrong to behave the way he did.

Basically he just kicked off at me and DS (who is only 2!) this morning, for literally nothing (me asking him if he’s gone in the shower yet – I couldn’t see him, called out from the kitchen).
He first was annoyed at me, because to him it was just another way of nagging him to get ready – we usually leave together in the mornings (as I’m pregnant he gives me a lift so I don’t have to take public transport as much, I get dizzy standing up) but generally I end up being late for work because he is not ready to leave on time. However this morning I really wasn’t nagging, not annoyed either, we actually had a chance at leaving on time.
Then he shouted at DS in anger, because he said “naughty dad”, he says it sometimes, and DH gets (in my view) irrationally annoyed by it.
I asked him why is he so angry at DS and he accused me of never backing him up and continued to shout at me. I did say that was bullshit and I back him up plenty of times, he continued shouting, I don’t remember exact words but it was not pleasant.
At his point I checked out of the argument – I didn’t want to have an angry shouting row in front of DS and he was clearly very angry and not willing to hear me out anyway, so I just stopped responding.
I went on to get DS ready to leave by public transport as didn’t want to stay and wait for DH for a lift in his current state. DH stared at us getting ready and leaving and just made a sarcastic “have a good day” comment.

I’m sorry for the length and detail of this, I just feel like this has really affected me today, so much that I feel anxious and think maybe this will be the end of our marriage. We have already been having problems, but lately it’s getting worse. I understand the stress factor, but I still don’t think it’s ok to not be able to control your anger/frustration in this way. Yesterday morning he threw a cushion on the floor in anger, because I criticized him for not letting me have a lie in the morning and I was exhausted and feeling grumpy (because he promised the night before that he will).
I really don’t know if it’s me – am I really that unbearable to be around?
I just feel completely drained, on the verge of tears and not able to focus at work now.

I know he is supposed to receive the “official” news today regarding this important work-thing, but I assume he won’t be letting me know about it. I think he probably feels let down by me on the day that everything might fall apart. But the way I see it is that he pushed me away and however much I want to support him I can’t let him behave like this with me and DS and just take it. Am I wrong here?

Does he do this often? If it is a one off caused by this particular situation, I would guess you are both tired - early pregnancy can be exhausting and he is stressed about his job prospects - and don't get a break very often. It was unreasonable of him to lash out verbally and while a toddler's sense of timing is not always ideal I think most adults would rise above it and not kick off further.

See how DH acts this evening. Try a clean slate approach and judge whether he has calmed down. Life throws allsorts at us but we learn to handle our stress not expect those around us to fix everything for us. After DS is in bed try talking to DH.

Is DH normally capable of apologising after an overreaction? If you feel you spend your life tiptoeing around him so as not to rattle his cage then things have clearly reached a very low ebb.

Your not wrong he sounds pretty immature. Shame your DS had to witness his behaviour.

You're right. He was wrong to behave as he did. Stress is no excuse. Everyone is stressed.

Yesterday morning he threw a cushion on the floor in anger, because I criticized him for not letting me have a lie in the morning and I was exhausted and feeling grumpy (because he promised the night before that he will).
He promised you a lie in, he didn't let you have it, you complained, he got angry and started chucking stuff? That is not right.

In what way did he stop you from having your lie in? Why did you get up?

Stress or not, there's a certain level of behaviour you should expect from people.

I'd see how he behaved tonight and if he's not all apologies I'd raise it and explain that whilst you realize he's stressed, the way to deal with it is to talk it through and you will not be treated like that again.

Stress is no excuse. People act a certain way because they think they have a right to. Why does he make you late for work, that smacks of controlling behaviour.

Thank you for the replies, sorry I haven't been back until now.
He did apologise, which for him is a big deal (he doesn't usually apologise easily).

Fairenuff
He is terrible at time managing, he himself is always late for everything, I find it incredibly annoying as I hate being late, but I don't think he's doing it to be controlling.

MelonBallersAreStrange
I got up because he let our DS come in and wake me - whereas he had promised not to.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles I do think that the angry behaviour has escalated lately and I put it down to the stress he's under, but at the same time I don't want to make excuses for him and allow him to behave horribly towards me.
For now we are all good after his apology, but I would like to see him control his anger even when he is stressed and I did tell him that.

I'm glad he apologised but you need to pick a good time to talk about how he manages his stress in future to avoid a repeat performance. It needs to be very factual and full of ideas from both of you, not a bun fight!