How to tell my MIL to stop being so nosy without upsetting her?

[trainersandcake]

For the last few weeks my family have been going through a horrendous time with a cancer diagnosis, car crash and marriage breakdown.

My MIL has made some quite snipey comments about my DH and I spending time with my family and when DH's (estranged) grandmother had a heart attack last weekend, my MIL very pointedly said, 'Well, if it was Trainers' family you'd have rushed to the bedside' - which is quite unfair given DH doesn't even see his grandmother (nor does MIL).

We are going to stay with her for Mother's Day and I know she is going to be mining for information about what has been going on, particularly the marriage breakdown. Would it be totally rude if I just said something like 'I'd rather not talk about it, thank you,' and changed the subject? I might have to ask my DH to say it instead of me as she is so easily offended.

Her comments will come under the guise of concern but I don't believe she is really concerned, I think her interest is a fair old bit of schadenfreude as she feels like we prioritise my family over her, mixed with it being 'safe' emotion as she can sympathise/ask questions from a distance without being at all emotionally involved (she hasn't sent a single text to see how I am). My DH is very supportive of me and stands up to her over the phone but struggles in person as he wants to keep the peace when we are in her house. I want to find a way to say I don't feel happy raking over someone else's marriage ending without upsetting her - she is very 'sensitive'.

Someone recommended the book Toxic Inlaws which has been great but I can't imagine the responses working that well given she is so passive-aggressive.

I'd just say what you said earlier "I'd rather not talk about, thank you" and add "it's too upsetting for me". Tell your O/H beforehand that that's what you're going to say and if she pushes it any further, he should jump in and stop her.

Sorry you've had a shit time lately

Practise some one liners before you go.

'I really don't know any details and don't feel it's fair to speculate.'

'They've asked me not to discuss it.'

I know you'll understand it been very sad and that I can't discuss it.'

And then follow up with heaps of dull questions about her life, house, family, neighbours etc. refuse to be drawn but pleasantly. It's up to you, ultimately how much you give away.

And if she snips about time with your family just agree that yes, it has been dreadfully stressful and difficult and how glad you are to be staying with her and have a break from thinking/ talking about it all the time. Then further dull questions about her pelmet rail, car insurance, holiday plans.

I'm confused-is it your marriage breakdown?

I would go with Matilda's last suggestion "do you know it's lovely to be here to see you and not have to think about all of that. Tell me how you have been?"

How about something like this (in relation to the marriage breakdown):
"It's actually not something I want to discuss with anyone" and just leave it at that.
"The car crash was awful but it's in the hands of the insurance companies now" and leave it at that. No further information needs to be given.

Or if you really want her to know that you're aware her interest is just to keep the gossip going down at the local shops when you leave you could say "MIL, I'd swear you were asking all these questions so that you can tell Mrs X what has been going on the next time you get your hair done/pick up your pension/whatever. Really, it's not even any of my business (referring to whichever scenario you like) so I'd feel very uncomfortable discussing it further." and as you're saying that, move out of the room.

Best of luck to you & come back to let us know how you get on.

I agree that you wouldn't be wrong to say that you don't want to talk about this on your weekend away, say that its been a difficult time and cheerfully detract every time it comes up. If she likes a gossip then ask her loads of questions about her and her group.

My MIL has form for this, she keeps bringing up my parents divorce, it happened nearly 30 years ago and she has only met my parents a handful of times in recent years yet this hasn't stopped her from forming her opinions on the whole thing (that are waaaaaaay off the mark and quite hurtful tbh). Now my Mum is ill she has formed her own opinion on the best treatments etc and I know she will try to grill me about it at a wedding next month, I will cheerfully detract and if pushed say I don't want to talk about it at a wedding.....

"MIL, I'd swear you were asking all these questions so that you can tell Mrs X what has been going on the next time you get your hair done/pick up your pension/whatever. Really, it's not even any of my business (referring to whichever scenario you like) so I'd feel very uncomfortable discussing it further."

Yeah, that's a really good idea. Wouldn't escalate things at all!

Just say "I'm really sorry- but I don't want to talk about it. Thank you for being so concerned, though" and move on to somthing else. Repeat as necessary.

Thank you all so much, that is really helpful. I am going to practise some lines and just try to keep as cheerful as possible.

Rollon it's not my marriage breakdown, it's my DSis' but we are v close.

Whatcha I might have to resort to that if she keeps needling me! Will try a rictus grin too.

You could say that 'all is in a state of flux / up in the air at the moment. You'll let her know if there is any news.' This way you are showing that you are not particularly withholding information, just that you are not prepared to speculate on indefinites.

I am so sorry to read that the last few weeks have been intensely rough for you .

I would suggest you call off the Mothers day visit. You have a choice re his mother and you do not have to see her just because she is family. Family are not binding and her ongoing toxic behaviour should not in any way be at all rewarded.

Also "no" is a completely sentence.

Your DH ultimately has to find a way to stand up to her when he is face to face with her; his inertia in her presence basically only hurts him as well as you.

I agree you should go with the suggestion of saying "I don't know" as it is a far safer option:

• if you say I'd rather not talk about it, what you are saying is I know stuff but not prepared to tell you (giving her the incentive to try and drag the information out of you come hell or high water )

• if you say "I'm sorry but I just don't know" and change the subject, she can keep repeating the same question, but she will only get the same answer "I just don't know"

Hope things improve for you.

I always say 'it's not my news to share' when asked any awkward questions about others.

yes, "it's not my news to share" is my go to phrase

I do have to ask though, would it be that bad if she did get upset? Sometimes people (especially those of the passive-aggressive ilk) use that to their advantage. My DH toes the line beautifully with his mother thanks to that little tactic

I am DEFINITELY using 'that's not my news to share'- perfect response.

Raptor I am definitely going to start being more assertive with her. When she made the comment about us favouring my family she later dismissed it as 'being said in the heat of the moment' but to me it was unnecessarily unpleasant.

Atilla I am going to do this Mother's Day trip and then we have no further reason to go there until the summer. So I'll get a reprieve for a few months.

I like the answers you have been given.

My MIL made a dig before about us seeing more of my family. Well we feel more welcome and they aren't selfish like DH's family. Even DH isn't fussed about spending time with any of his family and he barely sees them. I think half the time when he sees MIL it's more out of obligation. She can be needy which is annoying.

Stick to your answers and pre warn your DH and make sure he is going to back you up. Do you have days out planned or some sort of respite if she gets too much?