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Original poster

Has anyone waited it out??

46 replies

indefinitestruggle · 02/03/2015 11:02

I'm in an unhappy relationship and trying to stay, at least until kids are older. Yes, I know this is not a popular approach on MN, but I honestly think we'd be worse off (not financially but in other ways) if we went. The balance of this, I'm aware, could change at any time, but at the moment I'm hoping we can make it until the kids are independent.
Has anyone done this, and left? How did you manage it? How were the kids when it finally happened?

How did you remain sane in the meantime?

Its not all bad, we love the kids and parent quite well together, and have lots of happy family times, we just have nothing in common and I know I don't want to grow old with this person. He's also let me down in so many ways, I have no faith that he would look after me I needed it later in life.
Sometimes, like today, I'm afraid I'll go crazy living in this situation.
I suppose I still have some slight hope that things could get better and I'll want to stay, but it's looking less and less likely. Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2015 11:10

How old are your children? A lot of children don't achieve independence these days until they are into their twenties. FWIW Young children tend to cope better with family separation and are often able to adapt better to a new landscape than older ones (teenage and up) who tend to see things very black and white and can treat parental problems as a personal betrayal.

pombearsforbrunch · 02/03/2015 11:15

I'm in exactly the same position. My youngest is 11. I think I'll stay until he's 18. We've a very 'open' arrangement, but he doesn't know I want to leave.... I've no advice really, but will be following to see if anyone has any.... X

Original poster
indefinitestruggle · 02/03/2015 11:18

Cogito it's more to do with the way my husband is (extremely difficult character), that I feel I have more negotiating power and can help the kids more with him if we stay together. If I left I would be 'the enemy', and they would have to work out how to cope with his behavior without my presence (as they would remain in contact with him, no doubt).

Pombears sorry to hear you're in the same situation, a few years ahead of me though (youngest is 1 year).

OP posts:
Original poster
indefinitestruggle · 02/03/2015 11:19

Pombears, any tips on staying sane?

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/03/2015 11:21

Why wait?? Your options are narrowing with every day that passes. You have to look at this coldly: if you want to have a chance at starting over with someone new, then the younger you are the better.

Plus this is the ONE LIFE you are given. This is it. This is your ONLY LIFE. Why waste years of it with the wrong person?

Leave now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2015 11:24

Its not a popular approach for good reason.

What Cogito wrote earlier too.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships though; that a loveless relationship is their "norm"?. Why can't either of you make the break?. You're both adults so you need to stop being so selfish and thinking purely of your own selves here.

You cannot burden a child with a choice that you made. These children as well won't say "thanks mum" for staying; they will wonder of you why you were so daft and equally damagingly why you put him before them (particularly if you separate when they are in adulthood). They are smart; they know that things at home between mum and dad are not great and have not been so for some considerable time. They may even erroneously blame themselves for their parents marital problems.

What if you or he whilst you were together were to meet someone else; if this is not fundamentally working then its better to be apart and happier than together and miserable now. Nobody wins in such circumstances and the children lose here particularly badly.

Joysmum · 02/03/2015 11:26

My mum stayed with my dad for my sake. It wasn't great being the child in that relationship so based on that I'd always point that out and advise a split instead.

I knew it wasn't right and carried guilt knowing that was why she stayed. It was only later I asked her outright if she'd been better off would she have left and she said yes...so nothing to do with 'for the sake of the child' and everything to do with having to deal with the unknown.

currentnameinuse · 02/03/2015 11:26

Living apart is more favourable than living with unhappy parents. Otherwise you are showing your children how a relationship should be. Would you wish their future to be the same as yours?

And why should you be the one leaving btw?

Original poster
indefinitestruggle · 02/03/2015 11:28

I don't want a relationship with anyone else.
I am not putting him before them, I am protecting them from having to cope with him without me there.
So far, they are not aware that we are in an unhappy relationship. If I see that awareness in them developing that might prompt me to leave sooner.
He does not want the relationship to end, and doesn't know that I plan to leave.
I won't be burdening them with a choice I made. I don't see it as a sacrifice I am making for them, or a sacrifice at all in fact, just the right thing for all of us at the moment, however difficult it may be.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2015 11:29

If he is extremely difficult (abusive in the sense of being controlling?) I would state that no man including he is above the law here.

I would also suggest you seek legal advice now for your own self; you do not immediately have to act on it but knowledge is power. Why would you also be the one to leave; you are their primary care giver after all. They have a right to have a relationship with their father post separation but would they want to see him given that they see how you are treated by him?.

pombearsforbrunch · 02/03/2015 11:29

My thing is that we get on very well. No one except me knows suspects that life isn't perfect. We need to parent together and we are great friends, but I can't help feeling that there must be someone out there meant for me. Someone that'll give me butterflies. Perhaps I'm just being stupid. But I'm not prepared to mess up what I do have to find out. Not yet.

MiniTheMinx · 02/03/2015 11:29

Ambivalence does give way eventually to the idea that you have to do something. How old are your children?

I have stayed for 10 years past the point at which I really felt I wanted to. Children are happy, he is happy and mostly so am I. I love him but not in the way he loves me and I find it hard to meet him half way on this. However we have security, a great life, no worries and the children are settled and doing well. He is my family but the idea of growing old with him fills me with dread. I'm 42 and I reason I have another 7 years of this. He knows it but I think he lives in hope, perhaps I shall just get too old to care!

I cope by: being busy, studying, planning family fun, enjoying my children grow up without worries, seeing friends, following my own interests, having a study and shutting him out when his over exuberance and irritating habits get too much!

I wouldn't recommend this choice to anyone. It works for me mainly because I'm pragmatic, my life would be harder without him, his life would be unhappy without me. I work hard to make him feel appreciated and he would do anything to keep me. In short...Its work not play. But then, I think most partnerships are compromises, its a question of whether the compromises always outweigh the benefits.

Original poster
indefinitestruggle · 02/03/2015 11:31

We don't own a house, so much easier for me to just up and leave then attempt to get him to do that.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2015 11:31

If you fear for your children's wellbeing if they are in his sole care that is not a reason to stick around for 18-20 years more punishment. It's a reason to get it on record that he is an unfit parent and frame the contact arrangement accordingly.

Joysmum · 02/03/2015 11:35

If you fear for them when you're not there then that's different. Have you started documenting his actions and got anyone else involved?

Jan45 · 02/03/2015 11:36

So living a lie and depriving yourself is better, sorry but if you don't want this man, split now, sounds like it will be amicable anyway so what is the problem, better than pretending to be something you are not.

currentnameinuse · 02/03/2015 11:36

I would disagree with you and say the children will be well aware. And martyring yourself to this 'relationship for them - well, there are no winners if that is your choice. And if he is that dangerous to be with them alone then you need to report his behaviour to authorities now. Why would you say you should stay with him if he is such a bad parent you fear for their safety if they are with him alone? Can you not see how wrong that is?

freelanceconundrum · 02/03/2015 11:36

Being difficult to live with and an unfit patent are very different.

Hoppinggreen · 02/03/2015 11:37

My parents stayed together until I left home, I really don't advise it.
We knew things weren't right and it's affected my future relationships, plus I have to cope with the guilt that it was my " fault" my Mum stated with my Dad for so long.
Sorry, I know it's not what you asked but thought it might be a useful perspective anyway.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2015 11:37

"I don't want a relationship with anyone else.
I am not putting him before them, I am protecting them from having to cope with him without me there".

If you choose to stay with this man until they reach adulthood you are putting him (and your interests) before them. You will have not only sold yourself short but them too. They will not say to you "thanks mum" for doing that.

They are currently having to manage with both their parents living under the same roof; besides which the only person's actions you can control here is your own. Dealing with the unknown is scary but so really is staying within this and becoming a further shadow of yourself in the process.

Do you really think that this man would want to be involved/interested with his children once you are finally separated from each other?. Or will he use his children as further punishment to get back at you for leaving him?.

No, do not kid yourself here; they know that things at home are not great even if they do not see you and he directly argue. Sound travels and they are adept at picking up on all the vibes good and bad.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2015 11:42

"Being difficult to live with and an unfit patent are very different."

Yes they are. The OP says the man is 'difficult to live with' but the inference is that he is also an unfit parent because she fears what will happen to the children if she is not there to protect them. So maybe it would help to know what 'difficult to live with' actually looks like? A bit grumpy or someone who will throw a child across a room.....?

MorrisZapp · 02/03/2015 11:46

I think you should do exactly as you wish, and if this means making a pragmatic decision to 'stay for the kids' then nobody has the right to judge.

If you were suggesting starting an affair with a married man you'd be told vehemently that breaking up families causes life long heartbreak and that kids will be damaged.

But if you just plod along, dreaming of a more exciting life, then you're meant to break up your family and you're damaging your children by not doing it.

It doesn't make sense to me.

yetwig · 02/03/2015 11:46

Honestly life is to short to be with someone you don't want to be with or love.

can you not talk to him and tell him how you feel? Maybe deep down he's feeling the same.

yougotafriend · 02/03/2015 11:50

I stayed for approx 10 yrs after I knew things would never be right between us - my kids were 16 & 18 when I left. There are countless reasons why I stayed - financial security/doubting myself that things weren't perhaps as bad as I felt they were/knowledge that there are people out there worse off/concerns about being "fair" to him and the kids.

Well now I've gone and am much happier for it, my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner - because the kids have chosen to stay at "home" and ideally I want to see them more than I do. If they were younger, as the primary care giver, they would have had to come with me and would view "home" as being wherever I was.

Ask yourself these questions: If we didn't have kids would I stay with him? If there were no financial concerns (e.g. lottery win) would I stay with him? If the answer to both of these is no, I don't think you'll make it until the youngest is 18.

Original poster
indefinitestruggle · 02/03/2015 11:50

My situation is broadly similar to minis. No he's not an unfit parent at all, but has some character traits which are difficult and if we separated it would bring them out more.

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