After 16 years, I've told dp to leave...

[Levismum]

It's been a long time coming. We've split up briefly before but I've given up all hope of things getting better.

He's like another dc. Sits in the living room on his phone/laptop disengaged from the dc or I. I've given him jobs but he choses not to do them.

I'm exhausted. Mentally I'm in a really bad place so I'm questioning my own judgement. I'm terrified of being on my own but I'm more terrified of spending another 16 years like this.

I've no friends or family. 4 dc Youngest is 12 months old. 2 of the dc have SNs & are very difficult & challenging.

How will I get through this horrible awkward stage? He's no family. He has friends but they've no space. It's all so difficult! Any advice appreciated.

Thanks

Absolutely nothing useful to add but good luck!

Have you made a list of all the practical bits you need to do?
I take it he's staying 'at home' until he finds somewhere? Is there space for him to sleep in a seperate room?

Well done for being brave x

Thanks for replying.
No there's no where else he can sleep, no spare room.

I asked him to leave asap. He does have money due to his endowment maturing but he doesn't earn much money.

I feel responsible for him...
So difficult. My stress & anxiety levels are hideous.

Don't feel responsible for him. Easier said than done, I know, but he is a grown up. He hasn't anyone to blame but himself and his own behaviour.

It sounds like he's just been an additional child for you to look after. Try and keep this in mind if you feel like you are wavering.

I keep trying to imagine life without him. Honestly i know this sounds awful but i ended up realising he was just a glorified baby sitter.

He works shifts so when he's off i try to do stuff. I know if we don't work things out he'll very likely lose contact with the dc.

I'm very isolated. It's so frustrating as he's the only adult I see on a daily basis yet we can't even have a conversation. I talk & he looks at me...Grrr makes me so angry. I could be talking about socks or our child's impending diagnosis...same response!

I'm sorry it's hit the rocks. Have you had the same blank response to asking him to leave as you get to other conversations? Is he taking you seriously? Making any moves to ship out? Protesting why he should stay?

What you need now is support - moral, practical, emotional. You need people around you that agree with your decision. You're already questioning your judgement so don't waste time on anyone that adds to your doubts. You need practical support, possibly legal, in order to tackle the contact & financial arrangements with the DCs. He can't simply be allowed to slink off and keep up his responsibility dodging act from another location. Do you jointly own any assets?

And you need emotional support from friends, family and as many other people as you can find. You say you're isolated so it's going to take some real effort to start building a network

I typed a great big reply but it's disappeared!

Today he's acting like nothing is happening...

He got upset last night but pulled himself together & then the shutters went down & he can't/won't talk to me.

No assets. Everything is mine. We never married so that's easy enough.

Financially I'm the main earner. He earns rubbish money for the hours he does so maintenance will be minimal.

I've created a network. It's fundamentally made up of people I employ to help with the dc but it works. I don't socialise. It's very difficult with 4 dc to go out but add that 2 have SN makes it nearly impossible. I have 1 sister who lives abroad. Mum passed away 7 years ago. Most friends were through my previous work or my older dd so just lost touch.