Really need help and advice, a long one here but please read!

[Elizabethkay2094]

Right hello! I got with my ex, Childs father at 14, he was 22.
He worked at my school ( not a teacher ) and he left when our relationship started. He told me not to tell anybody and I didn't but afew friends, i really thought I was in love. I gave him a choice at 17 to tell everyone we are together or we are over as he was dragging telling people about being together... So he told everyone ( family his friends ) we just started dating.
I got pregnant at 18 and everything changed, I realise I didn't love him, I started thinking about our relationship and it knocked me sick thinking about my unborn child might do this... How it started he brought me a bottle of vodka and took me back to his and the years followed.
He is not capable of watching my child, he's never had her on his own and now saw her once a week supervised by myself as he said he would come into my house and just take her also said he's going to kill himself afew times now ( after I realise my feelings wasn't hormones due to baby I left him when she was 6 months old )
I was a good lier to my mum she never knew and still doesn't really, I was a very loved child and she did always push and keep tabs ( thought that needed saying as I was young )
I'm feeling like I was groomed? Was I?
Now he's saying he's taking me court for accesse on his own and more time
Yes he's on the birth certificate
Yes he pays for her and has the money to take me court.
She is 20 months old and I want her to know her father no matter what I think of him that's why I agreed to once a week supervised.
Now he wants her I can't cope! Please tell me he can't do this over all these factors? I was thinking of reporting him to the police but I'm 20 now and scared on what will happen and thought I loved and wanted him so partly my fault and I'm taking it too far?
There's more as its been many years but these are the key points please help me with advice I know he can't be trusted with her but it's my word against his isn't it??? Thanks for reading xxxx

Something definitely feels uncomfortable about him plying you with alcohol when you were 14 whilst being in a position of authority (albeit not a teacher).
He sounds to me like a very volatile man and frankly I'm glad to hear you're out of that relationship.

I personally haven't been in the same situation but I have had a friend who has. She, like you, wanted the father to have access but in supervised conditions until trust could be built over time. Her exDP would turn up at her house unexpectedly, shout through her letter box, bang on her door, threaten her with full custody. You name it he probably did it. She started to compile a notebook with dates and times of when he would do this, making recordings on her phone. No judge in their right mind would give full custody or unsupervised access with damning proof like that, I would suggest you do the same.

As far as I'm aware, normally these situations normally go through mediation first before going to a court.

As far as reporting to the police, it doesn't matter how long ago it was if it made you feel uncomfortable it's worth saying something, he took advantage of you at a vulnerable age (in my opinion).

I think you need to sit down with someone from Women's Aid. Personally, I can't see how this wouldn't affect decisions being made about access, but I don't know much about it. So sorry this has happened to you. It was abuse. You were a child and you certainly aren't to blame. It doesn't matter how enthusiastic you were about being with him - that's irrelevant. There are laws to protect children against this for good reasons. You're right to protect your daughter. He shouldn't get away with what he did.

I compleatly agree, but he will deny it. I wouldn't normally drag my name through the mug and let everyone know my buisness but when my baby is concerned I can't let this happen. But it seems harsh as he could be put on the sex offenders list couldn't he? You know what could happen to him?
In one way I don't care aslong as my child is safe xx

I would go to the police.

He pursued you when you were 14. He used alcohol to abuse you. He is a sex offender.

Father or not, the criminal issue needs to be dealt with before access. Which, will probably be supervised.

The sex offenders list is there for a reason so don't worry about him possibly being put on it. If he'd done nothing wrong, there wouldn't be a law against it now would there. Think of it this way: your little girl will be fourteen before you know it. Wouldn't you hope that there were deterrents against people behaving as he has done? I realise you've thought of this, but I would also seriously question her safety in future and possibly even more, the safety of her friends who presumably your ex will come into contact with. I have a three year old daughter and it actually really scares me to think that the parents of her friends may be in a position of trust that they're unsuited for. What about sleepovers etc.

He may deny it but at least you'll have done all you can.

Please go and see a solicitor, one who specialises in family law

What he did was very wrong. I work in a school. I know staff who have had rels (and married) ex pupils. One member of staff was 22 and his now wife was 18 and in year 13. And i still think that was morally wrong but you were only 14. What he did was appalling.

Seek proper advice.

I was worried about contacting the police as they might not of believed me as its my word against his! But iv managed to get all our old Facebook convocations ! Hopefully the hundred of messages will be enough to prove it! Thanks everyone I will definatly be reporting him now.

What he did was wrong. You did nothing wrong: you were a very young girl at a very vulnerable age - we all know how we were at this age- with all these hormones shaking us and believing that we were adults who can take our own decisions without letting anyone interfere. So it is quite 'normal' that you felt flattered that a young adult man treated you as if you were an adult (offering you vodka etc) and was even willing to leave his working place when your relation started. In short: you do not have to be ashamed of your behavior or afraid that no one will believe you. Even if you 'fully consented'- it remains true that he took advantage of your vulnerability as a teen - a very young teen- to bring you to the stage where you did so- In short he groomed and plied you. Now you are more mature and your good and loving upbringing show in your worries about your child. Take all the FB records you have to some family counselor (you are entitled to help) . All his behavior is quite worrying and weird. Is he from a culture where it is the norm that teens get married to older men? Is he from a broken background where he did not learn about boundaries and consideration for others? And why did he keep all your relation secrete until you forced him to disclose it to his entourage? In the court they might raise these questions. His lawyers might use his background to defend him etc. So IMO you got to be strong and ready to hear them defending him and 'blaming you'. IMO he best way to be strong is by sitting calmly and thinking about his background and yours. I think you need help. A lot of help for any legal confrontation with him. I believe that you are strong and have good instincts (you obliged him to be open about the relation and you found the strength to leave him for the sake of your daughter). I also looks as if you are a bit scared and might blame yourself for what happened. I think that someone has to help you knowing your rights, the duties of the society to protect the young teen you were and the UK laws that do not allow to a young 22 years old man to behave as he did with you. IMO you need legal and psychological helps. For your sake. For the sake of the little one. I would not trust him to be with her on his own- never ever. Maybe you are entitled to regular help to deal with his constant presence in your daughter's background- in case he continues to have contacts with her. It is very difficult. I trust your strength and the strength of your loving family. If he goes on NC then if your family is willing to help you raise your child, then maybe the absence of her dad will not have a negative impact on her in the long term. Good Luck!

I really am starting to see how wrong the hole situation was.
His background, well, father left when he was 2 ( came back when he was 24 ) mother is and was a alcoholic erm smoked week as a teen that's it really.
Mine, when I met him I was anorexic, I thought he helped me get better, always seemed supportive and wanted to help but I was stiff suffering until I got pregnant ( then I realised I'm willing to eat for this baby and not myself )
Now I'm thinking he used that for a connection and to get close? I don't know.
Ideally I want him to have nothing to do with her, but I don't want to be the reson she doesn't know her dad but the only way I would agree is supervised contact centre once a week.
I'm building the courage to tell my mother first as she will find out though police I don't want that. She will be angry! I would be!
Another thing in my mind is the court might not take me serious thinking I'm only bringing it up now because he wants access on his terms...
Thank you for all your advice, really I'm so lost in all of this, it means a lot!

Oh dear! You were even more vulnerable than most teens because of your disease! Now if the court decides NC with the dad - then you will not be the reason for that. HE will be the reason for that! So stop blaming yourself! And yes you must slowly inform your mum about what happened to her dear daughter (you!). BTW did your mum know about your anorexia? Consider speaking to your GP as well! You need to strengthen mentally and physically yourself- it will not be an easy road but it will eventually lead you and your daughter to a better future! You deserve it! Good Luck!

The court will take you seriously because the safety of your DD is essential. What you experienced was not, on any level, right in the head stuff (from him). You're a very brave young woman. Not lost at all!

Thank you really means a lot! ??

Report without doubt the FB conversations will be good evidence are you still in touch with the friends who knew at the time? If so don't speak to them about it until the police do.

I friend was pursued at 14 by a mam that repeated plied her with alcohol before doing sex acts on her. At the time she was flattered I think and did see it as a negative.

Twenty years later and she reported him to the police. They took it serious, he was prosecuted and went to prison for eight years and is now on the sex offenders register. He was still working with young teenage girls at the time.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. The police take these things seriously as it's illegal and predatory.

Mynameisasecret is right: you must not talk to any of his friends about what you intend to do; just to counselors, your GP and legal service- And please go and talk to the police and get help- legal and other to strengthen you, the sooner the better. You will be relieved, stronger and you will even have a feeling of closure that will allow you to put your past behind you; and you will be able to start focusing on building your life and your DD's life. Remember: You are OK- you were a vulnerable teen and he took advantage of you. good luck

Afew people already know though,
My boyfriend ( he's the one who showed me how wrong it was )
My best friend ( she didn't know about us till I was 16/17 )
I havnt tol them what's happened like that but they know I'm going to the police... That bad? Xx

not bad- it is good- you talked to your friends and they helped you understanding how wrong he was- the advice is : not to talk to HIS friends- not to let them know what you are planning to do to prevent them from coordinating lies etc. You need your friends to help you through this tough time. Even if his friends join 'forces' and lie the important solid facts remain unchanged: you were 14- a very vulnerable teen with body image problems at a very vulnerable position- he was an adult working in a public place (school) whose main aim is to protect you and help you grow into a confident adult. School gives power over students to any staff member. He abused his position and power. He might be a danger to other teens and to his daughter. Repeat to yourself: I was a teen- I did not know better- now I am a mum and I want to put my past behind me and to focus on building my life and my daughter's life. Good Luck!

Iv been and reported it!
Got a long interview today hopfully I was get better results!
I walked in and told the police lady basically what I first put here and she was like so what? you conceited. What you want us to do about it basically haha! I was like arrest him it's a crime isn't it??!!
Thank you everyone for all your advice! Xx