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Original poster

I just dont get it

19 replies

RebelRobin · 01/03/2015 11:24

Ive been going out with a man who is lovely, we dont live together. I have adult married children and he has younger children. He works hard and has lots of friends. He does lots for everyone (too much sometmes) and never complains, but does feel tired a lot of the time.

This is my problem, I manage a restaurant and I very rarely get a weekend evening off, maybe 1 in 4, so when I'm off, I expect to spend it with him. He's always arranging things with friends, and when I ask 'Where are we going tonight [on my night off]?' he says, 'Im going to a [pub, club etc] but come along with us, it's fine. I end up declining because I don't want to be with others, just him, me and a romantic meal. He keeps telling me he wants a relationship, but his actions say otherwise don't they???

Has anyone got any suggestions to what I can do or say to him now after another night of me sitting at home and him out? He hasnt texted or called this morning, so he's had a late night. I dont want to give him up as he is perfect for me, but his immature actions are holding me back.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/03/2015 11:44

How exactly are you going out with him if you never actually meet up? It does sound that he's not all that enthusiastic - actions speak louder than words etc. I don't think you should waste more time. He's not perfect for you if he's chronically unavailable. Do your own thing, stop waiting by the phone, have other plans....

EponasWildDaughter · 01/03/2015 11:47

It sounds like he has a very full social life already. Perhaps at the moment he's not looking for the romance, etc, that you are.

Original poster
RebelRobin · 01/03/2015 11:53

His social life sounds busier than it is really...it's just these Saturday nights that he knows I am off. It's really getting me down. I dont want to insist he doesnt see friends, but I feel dreadfully let down

OP posts:
Earlybird · 01/03/2015 11:55

How much advance notice do you give him about your nights off? If they are 'last minute', then you can't really blame him for having made other plans.

When you tell him about your schedule/night off, have you let him know that you'd like to do something together as a couple (meaning not with others), and that it is important to you that you have time alone together?

If you haven't spelled it out in plain language, he might not realise that it matters so much to you. If you have articulated what you want, and he ignores you/makes other plans anyway.......well, I'm afraid that sends a clear message. You can decide you're OK with it (on his terms), or accept you want more which could mean moving on.

I do think people with adult/older children often aren't looking for the same sort of relationship as younger single people. Older people can simply want the comfort and familiarity of a steady companion rather than a serious 'building a future together' sort of intense romance.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/03/2015 11:58

He knows you're off but he wants you to be 'part of the gang' rather than one-on-one. If you want something more intimate and exclusive rather than being just another of his many friends, then be assertive about it. It's not the same as saying 'don't see your mates'.

EponasWildDaughter · 01/03/2015 12:01

If you are in the early stage of a relationship and are already feeling ''dreadfully let down'', then he is not perfect for you OP Flowers

Original poster
RebelRobin · 01/03/2015 12:11

He knows my weekend night off - its on his calendar. He is telling ME he wants a relationship, but these nights with his friends seem to have a greater pull than one spent with me. I dont feel like I can dictate who he sees, he should want to see me shouldnt he?

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 01/03/2015 12:15

He does want to see you OP, he's inviting you to go out, you're declining because you don't want to go.

If you want romantic meals for two on those evenings, bloody tell him. Its quite unlikely that he's psychic Wink

Earlybird · 01/03/2015 12:15

how long has he been single? Maybe he is simply keeping to a long-established routine.

You really must sit down and have a direct talk with him - along the lines of 'you say you want a relationship, but your actions aren't matching your words'.

DeliciousMonster · 01/03/2015 12:16

Yes he should. Does HE know that you think you are in a relationship?

EponasWildDaughter · 01/03/2015 12:20

Everyone is different OP. Some would be perfectly happy to simply blend in with his plans and join in with the mates night out. Some wouldn't. I wouldn't. There's no wrong or right about it, it's how you feel that's important.

Have you told him how you feel?

He may well be prepared to compromise, he may not have 'realised', but for me the thing is, this early in the relationship it should all be easy and flowing nicely between you. Wanting each other equally as much and in the same way. Having to 'have a word' about stuff like this at this stage just doesn't bode well IMO.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/03/2015 12:20

Be assertive. If he wants to be in a relationship tell him it's really not going to work if you never get any time together alone. If he still chooses his friends, you can reach your own conclusions.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 01/03/2015 12:22

Mmm. I think if I were him, I'd feel a bit pushed about really. You're expecting that when you're free, he'll jump to it and do what you choose. I don't see how it's immature of him to be sociable with his friends, either.

I also wonder if he knows you see this as 'a relationship', or whether he sees it as something more casual, given you keep cancelling and don't spend much time with him.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 01/03/2015 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 01/03/2015 12:25

What I'd try to do is this. Have a regular date once a month say first Saturday/Monday or whatever in the month. He keeps that free for you. I don't think you can expect him to not see friends if there is no fixed time for you to meet. I don't blame you for not wanting to go out in a group if you don't see that much of him.

championnibbler · 01/03/2015 13:10

It sounds like he's keeping you at arms length.
he doesn't sound altogether interested.
he certainly isn't making much effort - a bad sign.
if he was genuinely crazy about you, he would move mountains to be alone with you.
i would cut down contact/texts/emails/phone and dates/meetups with him and his mates by half of what you're doing at the moment.
i would do no more running after him and i would cease accommodating him and his friends nights out.
should he not get the message by them, i would definitely ditch him.

Original poster
RebelRobin · 01/03/2015 23:21

Thanks for all your input. I will have the talk and ask him to keep 1 in 4 free to be with me

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2015 10:53

Are you managing to maintain a health social life outside of this guy? Do you have plenty of friends? Or is he really your only companionship outside of work?

Blondii · 02/03/2015 13:23

How long have you been dating him? Have you had ANY dates?

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