Feeling alone

[Lovebug85]

Hi, I'm new to all this so I don't know if this will all come out correctly or make sense. It might also be long, I'm very sorry.
I'm just feeling so incredibly lonely at the moment. I've been married for 2 years and have a 10 month old DD who is my shining star. She is the most wonderful like thing I've ever seen and I love every moment of being with her but, as I am sure you have all experienced, sometimes it can be really tough.
She's such a good baby though, she really is. She mostly sleeps through the night and has such a lovely temperament. I am on maternity leave at the moment so the 'childcare' as it were falls to me. And I mean it REALLY falls to me. My husband has never been proactive with anything around the house and now that I have someone else to focus on that really shows.
I deal with general tidying, all cleaning, washing and ironing, admin and paperwork, any phone calls and organisation that needs to be made for anything (including Any appointments DH might need). I am also the breadwinner, despite being on maternity leave as DH job is minimum wage. It is a job he enjoys, however. I suppose what I'm trying to highlight is that the responsibility is on me for everything and there is a general attitude (or so I feel) that my money is 'our' money but his money is 'his' money. I should feel like it is all one pot, but I don't.
I wouldn't mind this if my DH pulled his weight a little more with things. He never did one night feed but was quite content to see me struggle on about two hours sleep a night. I remember one night where DD started screaming about 11pm (she was a colicky baby) and he simply looked at me and stated "well, I'm up for work in the morning, I better turn in." She was about 6 weeks old.
There are loads of other things I could mention- when he invited his whole family round on different days in the first week she was born without even asking me and expected me to play hostess, when he wanted to go to a BBQ at BIL house 8 days after she was born and I said no as I wanted to sleep and my stitches were hurting but he got his own way anyway, how he ruined her first Christmas for me (which I had spent a lot of time, effort and money sorting on my own) by sitting on his own in another room because he had "flu" (he had a cold.) How when DD was ill two weeks ago and I spent a week by her side with DM 24/7 for him to shun us and, again, sit in another room because HE didn't want to get ill. How he left to go to work at this time and was called back because it looked like she might have to go to hospital and when he was called back he completely ignored us and refused to give me a hug (I was frantic) and we had quite obviously inconvenienced him! etc, etc.
I have tried talking to him many times and things do seem to change for about two weeks and he makes such grand gestures and promises only for things to slide again. He has also taken to coming to bed after me as he is watching his TV programmes and needs his "me" time ans I am exhausted after a long day of play with the little one.
I'm feeling particularly down tonight as we've had a couple of days which has really highlighted how under appreciated I feel. A friend has just had a baby and her husband is working so hard to make sure she rests and has basically taken over night feed duty- my Wednesday consisted of being told I could either look after DD or sort out the evening chores. I was tired and emotional after two very hard weeks and just once I want my DH to just say- don't worry, I've got it tonight. You get in the bath.
Now I know I was so wrong for even thinking that was a possibility (and this was the day after we had a conversation about his selfishness regarding when DD was ill) so what actually happened was I ended up washing/drying up, washing floors, bleaching bathrooms and hanging up washing whilst he got to play with DD. All this is made worse by the fact that I have a bad back caused by giving birth to DD for which I am awaiting PT and can be quite debilitating. I was sobbing in pain into my washing up.
Maybe I am expecting too much, I don't know if it's even a reasonable and feasible request to get a little time to relax. I just feel really blue and feel like I've screamed so loudly and DH just hasn't listened to me. I don't think it's malicious I just think he is possibly a little selfish and I just never saw it before DD came along. I also feel that if he loved me like he said he does he would step up and not sit back and watch his wife hobble and struggle so.
I think I might be blowing it out of all proportion as I think I may have some PND in the background of all this but no one has really noticed and I don't really want to make a fuss.
Thank you if you have got this far, I know this is all very boring as I read these threads and most of you have such real problems and I have just wasted your time. I don't even really know what I want from you all, maybe just a hug?

Hi loveBug. I want to send you a big hug. Being parents is exhausting and I really admire you for doing so much! I am (was) obsesive with cleaning and tidiness When my DS was born I tried to keep up with the house the same way I did before and I couldn't. It really stressed me to see the house a mess but after much struggling I understood that it is about priorities and how much I could get done.
I created a spreadsheet with indispensable: eat x 3 /take a shower/sleep (This for DH and me). Then the number of hours that DS was awake (requiring active care). If husband spent 8th at work and 1h commuting I would do the same amount of hours taking care of DS. The rest of hours of care/housework needed to be split evenly between the two of us. Then we added 7h of sleep, 20min to shower+get ready for the day... Then the basic chores... and we realized about two things:

• We both felt tired and without any spare time that led us to think that the other half shouldnt have been that busy. BUT we were both actually doing chores all of our time awake.
• Work/baby care/sleeping/eating didn't leave time for anything else. We relaxed cleaning, laundry (I was doing baby laundry daily! )...

That didn't make us feel better or less stressed but at least made us aware of what we (personally) could manage to do. This happened as we don't have family around, if not I will definitely be relying on them. Do you have family close by? My mother visited for 5 months when DS was born and it meant a world Specially for these first sleepless weeks.
My DS is now almost 2. I went back full time when he was 10 months. I am now expecting my second and was at home rest for 6-8 weeks at the beginning due to an hemorrhage. The house collapsed! DH couldnt keep up with it by himself. We now have a cleaning lady coming 4h a week. It keeps the house at check and give us that time to do more important things.
Also when I cook I do big amounts and put food in the freezer. PIL would bring the meal when they visit and sometimes even more food for the freezer.
So my advise is to not stress about chores and focus on the baby. Get as much help as you can (if you have family around get them to care for baby a bit so you can nap or bring you some ready meals. hire the cleaning. Order take out or prepare more salads that are quick and no dirty pots ;))
if husband don't cooperates stop doing anything around the house or do only what you need (I started leaving DH clothes out of "my laundry". He got the message better the day that he didnt have clean socks than with all my help requests).

About financial arrangements you could have a talk about it. With a new member of the family what worked before could no longer be the same. Specially is you are the main earner and you are on mat leave (I am assuming a significant cut. Mine came down to 55%, not in UK though). If you can afford your husband to have a low wage job then I would continue that way because he loves it and that is very important. But if you are struggling or it puts more pressure on you I would have a talk. Parenthood brings more responsibilities and expenses (Diapers and formula are really expensive) and sometimes you need to take salary over some career happiness.

It sounds tough OP

Are you planning on going back to work soon? What will happen then? I assume he will not be a SAHD.

What does your DM think? And his family? Was his dad handsoff when he was a child?

Fwiw, he sounds very selfish, and that he has not made any concessions at all to no longer being a single man. Maybe he just doesn't realise he needs to do more than simply be the man of the house.

Is there anything he does do to help?

Have you actually told him "no your looking after baby/doing chores today as I am shattered" Considering you are the breadwinner you should have more power. I notice some men want the women bring in money as well as do all housework and childcare. You need to look at what he is bringing to your life and if its just stress, what's the point?

You're not overreacting. The man sounds lazy, selfish and inconsiderate. If you do everything, he's the type that'll happily sit back and let you. 'Why bark when you've got a dog?' attitude. You'd probably be better off in all respects with a paying lodger.

So get tough. Lay it on the line very seriously. Stop doing everything, demand change and threaten his cosy existence if he doesn't start pulling his weight. Nicey-nicey gets you nothing except contempt.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post, I feel so much better for not only having put things down in black and white but also that my feelings are not just me blowing everything out of proportion. It's nice to have been validated somewhat.
You are right Cogito, I need to get tougher with DH and tell him what is and isn't acceptable as you pointed out, nicely nicely breeds contempt. I need to take a firmer line and instead of a "would you mind" attitude I need to start with a "you will!"
Rebecca, I hadn't actually thought of just telling him, as funny as this sounds. A man will never just picks up on the bleeding obvious, do they? Next time I feel like it's all too much for one day I will say that, to hell with whatever needs to be done, it will still be there tomorrow and if he doesn't like it then he can do something about it.
Toron, a spreadsheet sounds like a great idea and I will draw one up tonight so it's all in black and white. I had already thought of not cooking for him or washing etc, just to see the reaction that I got when he ran out of boxers!
Thank you again for taking the time to listen, I don't really have much RL support as people tend to think that because I am quite strong I must be ok. I also don't like to tell people what's going on and how I feel because in my experience you get nowhere. We have a rare, baby free evening tomorrow so I will be sitting down to tell my DH the new world order and that he needs to be more considerate on me and how I am feeling. Thank you for giving me the strength. For now, I'm enjoying my evening with a cup of coffee and a relax.

Please don't fall into the prejudiced trap of seeing him as a 'typical man'.... unable to think for himself, a bit pathetic, cant see mess and other stereotypes. Plenty of men are decent, industrious, considerate and perfectly capable of organising themselves. There's nothing typically male about his behaviour.

Set the expectation. Set it HIGH. Tell him how you expect him to behave from now on and point out the (very serious) consequences of him carrying on swinging the lead. Applies at home and I'd also suggest that you start ramping up the pressure about work as well. If minimum wage isn't cutting it, what are his plans?