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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm desperate - Pleas help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

21 replies

carnation · 25/10/2006 18:26

Don't often do this I find it difficult to share, but my sis keeps telling me to rant as you lot are very supportive so here goes!!!
Dh and I have been going through a difficult patch the usual story. I have been going to relate on my own to try and get some advise as to how best to help him really. I know that I am not perfect and need to re adjust a few things, but I can do this were dh cannot. I have had about 5 session and have encouraged him to come to everyone. Anyhow things have got really bad and he finally agreed to come with me last night.
I thought at last he is finally taking some of the responsibility and I was looking forward to trying to sort things out. Only to be completely let down it totally backfired and I feel worse now than I have ever felt before.
He took over most of the session I had to wait outside for half an hour and even when I got let back in you could see that he was pleased that things were going his way. He was telling the councellor how passionate he felt about the things he enjoyed I was asked if I felt passionate about anything I replied my children. He has asked if he could see the counsellor alone now for the next two sessions and told her she had been very helpful.
We had a huge row last night and he has accused me of not being passionate about anything and that we do not share a common interest. Basically saying that I have the problem and he is quite happy doing the things he does.
So that is it now my relationship is worse than ever and now I do not even have a counsellor to go to. I just feel like a failure now and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry if I have stole someone elses thread and for anyone else who is having a difficult time.

OP posts:
swifter · 25/10/2006 19:30

carnation... so what did he say he was passionate about?? Golf, beer, basically all the things women dont do as they have children to look after!

Also you do have a shared interest...your kids. He sound manipulative and as for going to see the counciller (sp) then let him, you can go at seperate times to him or even go in after??? he is tryong to make you feel bad.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 25/10/2006 19:36

Carnation, I think he is doing a good thing by seeing a counsellor. YOu shouldnt feel bad about him having some time alone with the counsellor. It can be important to have single sessions I think. I don't think the counsellor is that daft as to be manipulated, or to do anything that wasnt appropriate or right for your situation.

I can see you are upset, but I think you are jumping to too many conclusions and you need to give this time to work, and to open your mind to his POV so that he, in turn, can open his mind to yours.

NotQuiteCockney · 25/10/2006 19:39

I think it's a really good thing that he's come to counselling. Obviously to fix things, you both need to change.

The counsellor's job isn't (from what I know) to decide who is right, and who is wrong, and to mediate in that way - her job is to help you both listen to each other better, and talk to each other better, and find ways to accommodate each other.

Original poster
carnation · 25/10/2006 19:42

Thankyou so much you don't know how desperate I feel at the mo. I understand what you are saying Viki, but for now he thinks he has the upperhand and it is two weeks before the next visit.
He is passionate about food, wine and music and does too much of the first two. I feel unless I indulge with him he feels that is a negative on what he enjoys.

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 25/10/2006 19:49

I agree with NQC - a counsellor is there to listen so there is no reason for you to stop seeing her. Don't think that he "has the upper hand"; it's not a competition. My dad spends all his time justifying what he is doing to other people and I keep pointing out to him that he doesn't need to justify himself to anyone - nor do you... Keep going with the counselling. Maybe after a few separate sessions, you could suggest a joint one...

VeniVidiVickiQV · 25/10/2006 19:58

How do you know he thinks that?

Judy1234 · 25/10/2006 22:56

Can't you book double sessions or have yours on another day in the same week so you don't feel left out with it?
It's brilliant he's gone and finds he's getting something out of it.
Is he over weight and an alcoholic which passionate about food and drink might mean or does he just enjoy them? In other words is there a real problem there that needs to be sorted out in those areas?

Original poster
carnation · 25/10/2006 23:09

I can't tell you how much your support is much appreciated my sis is right about the support. I take all your views on board I am usually very open minded which is why I have put up with this for so long. I know that I am going to have to run with it, it is just so difficult to live with the atmosphere and lack of support. I have 4 children a job and a full time student and inside I feel like I am falling apart. I just wanted him to consider me, but again I felt let down.
He has always said that he thinks that I worry too much and I don't know how to have fun. What he does not realise is the amount of worries he burdens me with. It is very easy for him to be passionate about music as he can play and sing to entertain and I do not have any talents apart from trying to be a good mum.

OP posts:
AtterySquash · 25/10/2006 23:47

Sounds to me like you have masses of talent: bringing up 4 kids, working and the full time student thing - that's pretty amazing multi-tasking, and I bet you do loads of other things fantastically well that you (and he by the sounds of it) don't even notice.

I agree you shouldn't wait two weeks until you can have another session with the counsellor. i think they should be able to arrange something separate for you now.

Hope it helps.

x

Sobernow · 26/10/2006 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
carnation · 26/10/2006 07:53

Thankyou you have given me a different perspective on passion and helped me to keep going. When you are falling apart you cannot think of the positive things. You have all given good sound advice and hopefully I will be able to give that back. I usually hold everything together and sort everyone out so it has been nice having other people help sort me out!!

OP posts:
ludaloo · 26/10/2006 08:06

Hi carnation....if it is any consolation, I know for a fact you are not the only one in this situation. Men really are on a different planet. They are totally oblivious to other peoples needs until it hits crisis point!
I really don't have the answer..(if I did I would certainly be a lot happier!!!)
Chin up girl..I hope this difficult bit passes soon.

sarahinphuket · 26/10/2006 08:53

Hi carnation
You sound fab - and as for your DH's comment about you not knowing how to have fun - well tbh I shouldn't think you have TIME to have fun with all the other things you do!

I have a full time job and am a student too, but I only have 1 DD - that is hard enough so I have no idea how you juggle it all with four.

Maybe you should point out to him that you would be able to have more fun if he helped out more and you had more TIME to yourself...

Pages · 26/10/2006 09:28

Carnation, sorry you have been feeling let down. I haven't read the whole thread but I agree with VVV, don't jump to the conclusion that this is a bad thing...the counsellor probably knows exacty what she is doing in being supportive to your DH and trying to get to the root of the problem and it is a positive step that he thinks of it as a good thing. She is just trying to let him feel heard and supported as she has done with you in the past 5 sessions.

Remember, this isn't a competition between you and DH and who is "right" - you are going to counselling, and asked DH to go, to try and fix the problems in your relationship. Once he feels listened to he will be more ready to listen to you. Sounds to me like you are both starved of emotional support and both feel you have lost that from the other (which imo comes with the territory when you have young children) and this is the best way to get it back. Give it a chance, things will be going on on a deeper level that haven't yet surfaced.

And try to be open minded. I think it is great that he is passionate and inspired by things in his life. Maybe he is not meaning to attack you but wants to take your hand and "fly" together! I know it is hard, but I also know from personal experience that this could be the most important and interesting experience of your life if you let it. xxx

confusedmum2one · 26/10/2006 09:55

Hugs Carnation, you sound so lovely and like you have lots of talents!

I'm really sorry your DH is acting like this. Are you going to relate because you have many arguements about him spending time on his passions/him slagging you off for not having any apart from the kids?

I certainly don't want to hijack your thread but I wanted to let you know my DH does the same to me. He has lots of interests/hobbies but none include me or DD. He constantly has a go at me for not having any hobbies/interests (actually food is a hobby of mine but he doesn't consider it to be a valid hobby) so I'll be really interested to see how things work out for you

hope things improve for you, you're not alone

Original poster
carnation · 26/10/2006 15:16

You are all so lovely. I intially started to go to relate because he suffers from depression, but will not seek any help. Part of the depression is becoming self absorbed, lack of interest and motivation. Which has had a massive impact on our relationship. I wanted to know how best I could help him. I don't mind him having passions and I truly believe he would be more fulfilled if he felt I shared them with him. The problem is they are the only things that he makes any effort for. I am sure that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, but it is very difficult to see at the moment.
Thankyou again it is good to know that I am not alone.

OP posts:
RancidRhubarb · 30/10/2006 17:14

Bumping this because I hadn't seen it until now. Basically sis I do agree with what is being said here. Turn the situation around and tell him how pleased you are that he came to counselling with you. He only feels that he has the upper hand because of your reaction. He is probably wondering what he has to do to make you happy, so little concessions his way won't hurt. It took him a lot of courage to go to Relate and what the counsellor might have done is to sweet talk him for his 1st session to ensure that he comes again. She's no fool, she can see that he is passionate about things that do not include you or the kids, but she needs to get him to open up which means lowering his defences first.

Go in first next time and explain your concerns to her.

Start with the little things. Ask him what little things you can do to make him feel better, and then tell him what he can do for you. So for my dh I know that if I made him a cup of tea he'd really appreciate it as he often brews all the tea! He'd also appreciate his sandwiches being made for work every now and then, in return for this I ask that he calls me once in a while just to say hello, or that he cooks tea once a week.

Once you start being nice to each other on a daily basis, you actually do start to like each other again and wanting to please each other comes more easily after that.

You looked very comfortable together when I saw you on Friday and I thought how well you communicate and get on, laughing at little things each other had said and relating conversations to each other. You can get that spark back I'm confident of it. He needs a good shake up and I think the counsellor will help. Stick with it!

RancidRhubarb · 31/10/2006 12:05

bump for anymore good pieces of advice cause I know she needs other people's perspective on this!

Original poster
carnation · 31/10/2006 13:43

Thankyou for that. I feel I have said too much really!! One thing that I have always managed to do even when at my lowest is to keep an open mind. I think that alot of tension had built up to last weeks session and I just lost it for a time. I can see now through listening to all of what has been said that this is a positive step. I did managed to twist it round the seen result on Friday. To seek other peoples opinion is a good thing. One thing that I do need to do more of is to express my own happiness and to think about my happiness.
Thinking of you all and thankyou again.

OP posts:
RancidRhubarb · 31/10/2006 20:42

You've not said too much, he's hardly likely to come trawling on here is he? Actually it might do him some good if he did! This lot know all about my relationship problems with Mr VomitBreath, many a time I've had a good bitch about him on here!

Hope it helped, letting it all out like that, helps me no end!

Original poster
carnation · 06/11/2006 18:31

Hi it's only me again, just having a bad day today. I have tried over the last two weeks to see this as an achievement and to keep an open mind. We have been getting along better. Then on Friday he let me down again in thinking more of what he wanted and not about me and the worse thing was I really allowed it to happen.
He sees the counsellor tommorrow and I am worried about the outcome. If it all goes very well for him then it will be seen that I have the problem. I have already been blamed for his depression. Not looking forward to it at all at the moment.
I need to have a focus, but I have nothing to focus on. I am only just functioning.

OP posts:
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