Need help to get a grip.

[WorryOverSomethingSilly]

I've name changed for this as I feel such a fool.

Please help me get a sense of perspective.

DH rarely, if ever, goes out. Tonight he has gone out for the night with some mates to wet our new DD2's head and celebrate her arrival. She's now 10 weeks old, so it's not like he's done it at the first opportunity. He's a brilliant DH, very hands on, and generally wonderful. I trust him implicitly, he's sensible and unlikely to deliberately get himself into trouble. He is likely to get utterly hammered tonight though, as his friends are big drinkers who will egg (normally sober) DH on and get him drunk.

DH & I have had a very rough few years emotionally. We lost DD1 in 2012, then had a series of family bereavements, with last year being spectacularly bad culminating in loosing my grandmother (who I was very close to) just before Christmas. DH has been phenomenally supportive and basically just picked up the pieces when I've lost it.

To know me in RL, you'd think I was the most sorted and in control person you'd ever met. Nothing appears to phase me, and to the outside world, you'd think I was the strongest person you'd ever come across - dealing with anything and everything.

But that's not the case. Tonight was horrendous. I dropped DH off in town to meet his friends. I was completely calm, we parted on normal terms, with the usual "I love you" and a kiss. But as I drove away, I had a complete panic attack. So badly, I had to pull over and stop the car. I'm currently sat here getting worked up over every conceivable "worst case" senario because he's not here with me, imagining him dead in the river because he's fallen in because he's drunk, he's got into a fight and ended up dead in the road, been hit by a car, you name it, I've probably imagined it. I can't stop crying and feel sick with fear something will happen to him. I've thrown up twice.

He's gone out on the lash with the boys FFS. It's normal, he's sensible. nothing is going to happen. But I can't switch my brain off. Please someone help me get a grip.

Well in the short term get a grip but on Monday ring up and make a Drs apt - sounds like you need some sort of therapy to deal with your fear of losing someone significant in your life.

Completely understandable but somehow you need to be able to not be in this state over it.

Could you afford CBT or therapy as the NHS waiting list could be very very lengthy...

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, and the other bereavements you have suffered.

I can't help but say in response to this statement of yours, though: "his friends are big drinkers who will egg (normally sober) DH on and get him drunk." ...that nobody else can "get" your DH drunk: he does it himself. Only he can ingest alcohol on his own behalf. It is his choice.

If his drinking has you so worried that you have panic attacks, something is amiss. Is it his lack of control around alcohol and when drunk? Or is it your own fear?

I can't tell from your OP, but something is clearly causing your anxiety. Since it sounds like he frequently gets hammered when he's with these friends, can you say what he's done in the past when drunk that could have caused you alarm?

Yes totally agree with random. I think you need some bereavement counselling and some form of CBT to help you move forward.

Its totally understandable that you are struggling with anxiety.

Made the doctors appointment last week, I'm seeing her next week as I wanted to see a specific one at the surgery and she wasn't in, so I do have that in hand.

I thought I was fine this evening, this has just hit me out of the blue.

I think, for tonight, accept that your fear of losing your dh and what that would mean emotionally is very real - it would just be awful but challenge the thoughts that anything is likely to happen tonight just because he's not at home.

Just wish you had someone that could come around and give you a hug and stay over, you've been through a huge ordeal in the last few years.

Absolutely not worried about DH's lack of control around alcohol - he rarely drinks, and when he does get hammered (happened twice in the time I've known him - on his stag do, and when my DB took him out after we lost DD1) he's been a funny, cheerful "sensible" drunk (as far as a drunk can be), if that makes sense.

It's absolutely my own fear of something happening to him.

You poor thing. It does seem likely that this is a reaction to all your losses, like a sort of post traumatic stress. Easy to say don't worry but of course you will. My only (rather feeble) advice is to try to distract yourself tonight with whatever normally works for you as a coping strategy, music, TV, baking, cleaning, cuddling your child, fantasising about what you would do if you won the lottery! And then yes, I agree with the previous poster, you should seek some support: bereavement counselling or CBT for coping strategies, possibly both.

And now I'm sat here in tears that random strangers on the internet are kind enough to sit and talk me through this. This is ridiculous! (And I'm very grateful).

So very sorry for the very rough time you've had and especially the loss of your daughter. You've been through so much.
I'm really not an expert on these matters but have you had the chance to take the time to process all that's happened to you? Often as mums life just carries on busy busy.
As Random says it's no wonder you fear losing someone close to you.
Perhaps see how you go but if you find these panics become a regular thing then therapy may be the way forward.
(He'll be just fine tonight by the way - have a nice glass of wine and some chocolate!)

Thank you so much for the support last night. DH has turned up safe and sound, as was expected by you all. I eventually caved and rang him at 4.30am when I got up to feed DD, just to check he was OK. I do feel a bit of a prat I think CBT and some counselling is the way forward regarding this, because my anxiety levels are through the roof when DH is not around.

I really appreciate the support. Thank you. [Flowers]

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I think maybe the loss of your grandparent has had a big effect on you and now you have a fear of loosing someone else close to you. Do you have any rl friends that you could go out with and let your hair down.have you any other reason to be worried about him leaving you?

Glad that you survived the night until 4.30am.

On a positive note you can identify very specifically what the issue is which means I think CBT would work very well? There is no time limit to grief so perhaps there is a lot of grieving left to do

I just wanted to say that I felt very anxious for a good few months after giving birth, and I haven't been through any of the really tough stuff you have had to face, so it sounds like you are coping very well. I found the first six months a weird time and I really didn't feel myself for ages.

Def go and see your Dr.
I found mindfulness also helped me to relax a bit. There is an App called Headspace which I used.
I was lucky enough to get plenty of sleep from a very supportive DH which also helped and lots of fresh air and exercise. Bach rescue remedy and lavender oil/spray / multivitamin were also helpful.
This will get better eventually but it sounds like there are some things you can do to help in the meantime.