Feel hurt by my friend - or am i being oversensitive?

[TheoriginalLEM]

Last year a friend of mine was unwell, she had a horrible time of course but thankfully is finished with treatment now and has the all clear.

I wasn't working so was able to support her in terms of doing something she wasn't able to do post surgery and generally helping out. I was there for her and listened when she was struggling etc. She did pay me a minimum for doing this particular job and i took it because she wouldn't have me to do it for nothing although i did argue over this. it was actually quite hard for me to do all of this with time etc and it was emotionally draining, but i didn't mind, she was my friend i felt we became closer over this time.

She was upset at the time as a couple of her friends who she had considered close seemed to be avoiding her, she even tackled one of them about it.

Since then we haven't spoken as much as she has gone back to work and we have less time but usually speak online most evenings. I was a bit puzzled when she has had one of those friends to dinner over xmas and this was plastered all over facebook what a lovely day they had etc, she realised i would have seen this and said that we must go round soon etc..that hasn't happened, fine, busy etc.

Anyway, the other day she asked me to do an extended version of the job i did for her last year as they are going on holiday. Well she didn't ask outright, but did in a roundabout way - asking if i knew anyone etc but i KNOW she was wanting me to say ahh, no dont worry i'll do it. However it really isn't feasible for me to do it due to family reasons and its just too much (dont want to say what it is) but i recommended someone i know really well who would do the job far easier than me etc, better than i could etc with insurance in place etc. She seemed happy with this but hasn't messaged me since which is really not like her. I did explain that i felt bad that i couldnt do the thing but it would probably involve not getting much sleep for a week.

I feel really hurt that i helped her so much when she was poorly, but i seem to have been relagated to the back burner - offers of coffee etc have been met with excuses, no getting the kids together etc.

I didn't do what i did to get anything in return and she was grateful but i feel that the freindship wasn't as close as i thought.

I don't really have many friends (hardly any at all). I have mh problems (anxiety) but i am getting help for this. I just feel a bit hurt. I wondered if i was feeling oversensitive about it, but DP thinks its out of order.

Such a shame that you were there for your friend in every way possible and you now you feel this way.

Playing devils advocate I suspect she was miffed that you took payment (even on her insistence). I could be totally wrong though.

You sound like a lovely friend OP.

*now feel this way.

funny, i really don't think its that, i argued so much over the money and it was far far less than i charge other people to do the same job. I argued and argued about it - she was happy to pay me.

I think i probably just bored the pants off her if i'm honest, i almost feel selfish as she was a bit of a captive audience and i enjoyed having a friend to chat too etc.

Sometimes Theo people/friends are just not as decent as we think and not always like we are.
At least you know now were you stand and I know it probably hurts, but you are worth more than that.

It's an awful situation to be in but reflection at a later date is good x

I guess i just not her type of person after all :(

Maybe she insisted on paying you for helping out as she didnt want to feel beholden to you or for you to feel like she took you for granted? If someone helped me out as much as you said you did I would certainly be offering to reimburse them for their time/expenses. Also you mentioned when she was ill that she was a captive audience and you enjoyed the chats,I am sure she enjoyed long chats too but now she has recovered and obviously wants to start living her life to the full again , that includes her working again and reconnecting with other friends. If you miss her then instead of a vague suggestion to meet up instead ask what day she is free to go for a quick coffee? Be specific about an exact day and go from there. Good luck op.

Firstly, you do sound like a lovely friend and I think most of us would like to have a friend like you.

That said, if you spent quite a lot of time together she may well have had her fill of you. Please don't take that as an insult as it's not meant to be one. It's just that most of us, as adults anyway, don't generally spend prolonged periods of time with our friends - A coffee, a lunch or a shopping trip once a week is probably the most a lot of us manage. Plus, if she was unwell she was probably tired and not really up to much conversation so found herself listening to you a lot. She may well feel there's not more she can talk to you about for a while.

Or she may just have asked you to help out because she needed help and you were available. Hence insisting on paying you. She saw this more as a job thing than a friendship thing.

Either way, it's her, not you.

Firstly, you are an awesome friend. Where do you live:)

Your friend may just be trying to get her life back on track and over compensating with her old ( and crap) friends all over FB. Doesn't mean anything. Maybe she's trying to guilt trip her other friend into helping her out. Who knows?

Why don't you call her, and tell her how you feel? And it's perfectly ok to say no, to something which impacts you, and you can't do.

And, start to chat and invite people over- or meet them for a wander round garden centre or something. Build gentle friendships where you can do your thing with company or without:)

I hate to say it, I do wonder she was offering you money because she feel she will not be able to return a favor so it was a way to feel less guilty about it. As far as her other friends, it always seem some people chase those who pay less attention to them, If that makes sense. Even i do it. People are weird.

And you don't have to do anything for her if you are not up for it.

You speak most evenings, I don't think she dislikes you but perhaps she feels a bit less "exclusive" than you do. I think it is possible you are a bit intense, why did she need to worry that you had seen her having a different friend over for dinner and make it up to you. You shouldn't be wasting your time puzzling over her social life, at the most you can briefly think "glad they are friends again, the tackling obviously worked" and move on.

She only asked about the job in a roundabout way in case you did have time, she obviously realised you might find it hard and be busy - I wouldn't read anything much into that - how else could she have approached it?

I think she assumes you have other priorities and she is lower down the list than she is and you are assuming she doesn't and you are higher up. It isn't a big drama unless you make it one.