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Original poster

Different sex drives

20 replies

DextersMistress · 28/02/2015 13:10

Is there really a way around this?
After 8 years and 2 dc my sex drive is very low. Once a month would probably do for me whereas dp would have sex every day.
Atm we compromise at once or twice a week but as I'm rarely in the mood I just can't get in to it ifkwim.
Dp is unhappy with these 'quickies' and goes on and on about how we were when we first got together. I've tried to make more of an effort but inevitably it doesn't last as the desire just isn't there.
How do others get around this?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 13:46

It's rarely as simple as a low sex drive. It's rarely one-sided either. A lot of things can happen in a relationship that make a partner not quite the attractive proposition they once were. A lot of things can happen in life that get in the way of sex.

For a start, it's not helping in the slightest that he 'goes on and on' about it. That kind of pressure is unkind and counter-productive. Sexual desire happens when you feel close to someone, relaxed, happy, attractive.... So

  • Do you feel close to your partner? Do you spend time together, share meals, share a bed, have fun conversations, share leisure activities? Are you physically intimate outside the bedroom... holding hands, cuddling on the sofa etc?
  • Does your life make you happy? Does your DP make you happy? Do you feel valued and cherished?
  • Can you find time to relax either individually or as a couple? Do you work as a team domestically and share the workload? Is your job rewarding? Are you in good health?
Original poster
DextersMistress · 28/02/2015 13:54

Thank you cogito

Dp works long hours, few night away during the week. I'm a sahm with 2 preschoolers. We are physical, enjoy holding hands and cuddling although I'm wary of leading him on.

Our relationship in general is pretty good, although has been bad in the past. This is the main cause of tension at home.
He does pressure me, but says if he didn't try then nothing would happen ever. Tbf he's probably right, I just don't have the desire.
I feel very loved and cherished by him. No job, but health fine.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 15:17

It has to be asked. What happened that was bad in the past? Was it properly dealt with at the time or suppressed or glossed over in some way? A lot of sexual desire is a mental process and, if there is any unresolved resentment it can act as a splinter in that mental process, preventing you from being able to take it further.

Ultimately, it is matter of compatibility. Your level of desire is not wrong and neither is his. But you may simply be wrong for each other,

Original poster
DextersMistress · 28/02/2015 16:19

Problems in the past include dv and no, it probably wasn't dealt with properly. It was before dc. I wonder if some sort of professional help may be the answer?

I was under the impression that this was a common issue that many people live with and manage, maybe I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Petetheplumber · 28/02/2015 16:20

Sounds simple, but you get around it by compromise, which sounds like you're already doing. If DH wants it better then it he needs to understand if there is anything he can do to improve the relationship - which needs you to think about and communicate, particularly any outstanding resentments however deeply buried.

I've been/am the DH. I find it difficult to get DW to talk about things. It's really unpleasant to have rejections, reticent cuddles, and the sense that your partner isn't really trying. If DH is stressed elsewhere he probably seeks more sex than usual as reassurance/comfort. Whatever you do, don't settle for muddling along....

pocketsaviour · 28/02/2015 16:25

Can you pinpoint the change in your libido to a certain time? A lot of physical things can affect sexual desire. For example some anti-depressants can kill it almost completely, as can some hormonal birth control. Those can be discussed with a doctor and alternatives can be tried.

Do you find it hard to get aroused knowing the kids are in the house? If so, is there any way you can get them having a sleepover at granny's every once in a while?

But that's only going to work if you yourself really want to find a compromise. It sounds as if in your opening post you're more saying "I don't want sex as much as he does and I don't expect this to change." Would that be fair to say?

kittybiscuits · 28/02/2015 16:33

So he's been violent towards you in the past Dexters and he pressurizes you to have sex. You are 'wary of leading him on'. It doesn't sound very relaxed to me. What feelings to you have about the DV now? is it realistic to expect yourself to be intimate and safe with him?

Sickoffrozen · 28/02/2015 16:34

Dv would kill my desire for a man forever so I can see why you aren't racing to get him in the sack. I assume he is Better now as you mentioned it was pre kids but even so memories are hard to put to the back of your mind.

It is already you who is compromising doing it once or twice a week when once a month would do you. Personally I think that is more than enough compromising and it should actually be him compromising now, not you.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 28/02/2015 16:36

I can't really pinpoint it, no. IT was definitely before dc as I remember a lot of arguments because of it. Which led to dv.
It seems very obvious for the answer to be due to resentment, I can see that as a type but I honestly don't think it is. I have used that as an excuse before though, ie why should I sleep with you when you used to hurt me but I don't think that's it. I don't miss sex, or want it with someone else or on my own so surely it's not just about that?

Yes pocket that's fair. I can't see it changing and I'm probably looking at ways to live with it. Not good, I know. I want to want it though.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 28/02/2015 16:41

Dexters you seem to be approaching this as if there's something wrong with you. What makes you think anything is wrong with you? Your lack of libido in the past was used as an excuse for DV. Your lack of desire for this man is surely a symptom of the relationship?

Original poster
DextersMistress · 28/02/2015 16:53

It had occurred to me that the past was a reason. But I chose to stay with him and yes, things are better. I've brought it up with him and he's apologised, but can't do much else. I mean, he's changed, and I made the decision to stay so can I get passed it? Sorry if that doesn't make much sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
DextersMistress · 28/02/2015 17:04

What I'm saying is I've forgiven him for the past and would like to move on.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 28/02/2015 17:27

Hi Dexter

The mind and body are connected lovely, you may think that your mind has for want of a word forgotten, your body still carries the memories and most definitely has not.

Your minimising the impact this has had on you mentally and physically, your body's reaction or should I say none reaction is telling you everything you need to in about this situation
This situation will never get better until the past is dealt with to your satisfaction.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 18:30

I fully agree with the PP. However good an idea it felt at the time and however much someone apologises, forgiving violence often comes at a too high price to your sense of self. How can you give yourself sexually to someone and make yourself vulnerable in the most personal, most intimate way possible, knowing that they once thought so little of you that they assaulted you?

Domestic violence comes from a place of power and control. He's going 'on and on' at you to have sex. You are having sex with him even though you don't really want to. Who is in control now?

I'd suggest you might benefit from individual counselling.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 01/03/2015 13:15

Sorry I'm late back, thank you for all your responses. Seems pretty obvious were the problem lies Sad

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 01/03/2015 13:22

Just to be very clear Dexter it doesn't lie with you lovely Thanks

Branleuse · 01/03/2015 13:27

It doesnt sound like youre as over the DV as you wish you were, which is understandable, as these things change you for life

Original poster
DextersMistress · 01/03/2015 13:29

Thank you. I really do want to be over it, our relationship is much better now and being a father has changed dp so much.

OP posts:
Wackadoodle · 01/03/2015 13:43

Dexter -

If you don't feel the physical change is due to resentment, then you probably know your own body and mind better than anyone here.

The whole "it's rarely as simple as a low sex drive" thing just isn't true. People often just have, or develop, a low sex drive, and women after having children probably more often than anyone.

If people feel the need to convince themselves there must be a reason in the other partner's behaviour, then they'll press you until you convince yourself that it's because he forgot to feed the cat one night in 1987. Doesn't mean it's true, or that you have to believe it: you could just have a low sex drive. It's not your fault and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. People change.

If that's the case then the only solution, if it's a solution at all, is indeed compromise. Most couples have to do that to some extent. TBH once or twice a week is not bad with a couple of preschoolers. He might just need to adjust his expectations. We all have to do that in so many ways once kids are in our lives; sex is just one of them.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 01/03/2015 18:12

Thanks wack. I'll try and have a chat with dp and take it from there.

OP posts:
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