worried for my mother as my abusive father is getting worse

[splishsplashtime]

I have recently split from my abusive partner, and it appears to have triggered a reaction from my abusive father who seems to have a hate campaign against me. I have just had my mum on the phone in tears admitting that her life is hell because he won't let her go out by herself and is made to feel guilty if she dares disagree or have a different opinion. I think that the things that I have been telling her about my abusive ex have got her to face the truth about her situation. This has caused my father to increase his control and abuse with her, and me. He says I am putting ideas in her head and that I am a nasty piece of work. He says I am responsible for ruining their relationship. He is also telling her to fuck off/leave and that we are all upsetting him with our ungrateful appalling behaviour. So it's mainly very bad emotional and verbal abuse. Never violence although he clenches his fist sometimes. Constantly telling you what a dispicable person you are, and swearing and shouting. Just out of the blue you never know what might trigger it off. The problem us I don't know what to do. They have been together for about 40 years and I feel a great sense of responsibility here. My mum told me tonight she feels threatened and I am worried. He is getting worse. It's hard because I am trying to recover myself as a single mum after suffering for about 15 years with my abusive ex. I also have mixed feelings towards my mum as she can sometimes behave abusively towards me..Sorry for essay just needed to vent as feel a bit overwhelmed ??

Just to add I am always very mindful not to raise my voice or swear or say anything provocative to my father, but it still never stops him.

splishsplash ... ... why doesn't your mother "fuck off and leave"?

this sounds like she is living in a hell and she does not have to do that. She doesn't.

40 years is a very long time but the comforts of the familiar are not outweighed by your life being made a living misery.

Your mum needs to ring Women's Aid (any chance you could be there while she does?) and she needs to get out, especially as she is starting to feel physically threatened (clenches fist).

You have had courage and determination to get shot of your ex. I hope your mother can find the same.

Thanks Meerka x
phoned my mum this afternoon and everything is hunky dory with them so following a familiar cycle. Mum has apologised, saying it was all get fault and she was out of order. Dad is sweetness and light. And I've just been subject to belittling and energy zapping verbal abuse from my ex p this morning (spending time with dc). I feel like I am living in a world of abuse and its tiring trying to be strong all the time. I now recognise the abuse and don't let it get to me like it used too but just feel at war every day if you know what I mean. Like I have to face every day with a giant shield for me and dc.

Sorry, all her fault, not get!

Hi Splishsplash.

I'm sorry that things are so tough and overwhelming right now. I recognise that feeling of seeing abuse everywhere once the scales drop from your eyes.

However, I really think that you need to keep in mind that you are not responsible for your mother. Just yourself.

You are not responsible for any escalation in their relationship.
You are not responsible for educating your mother about domestic abuse, or protecting her.
You are not responsible for either of them.

It's their relationship. They will muddle through it in their own way, in their own time. Your only field of responsibility is your own life: you can't interfere in theirs, but you should definitely do everything you need to protect yours.

Sounds like your mother have been with him for a long time (assuming he is your bio and you are grown up). If she haven't left him then, I don't think she will now no matter what you do. But you can get counseling for yourself and how you can cope with this whole thing because you have been in abusive relationship and usually getting trap in a abusive relationship is a cycle that you learned from your parents.

I mean i am assuming they were together for a long timebecause you are all grown up and he is your biological dad...

Yes I need to keep my distance from them. I just feel life is such a struggle right now and don't have much happiness. Also lots of pressure on my own everyone seems out to get me.

Urgh, I hesitated to click on this thread: too close for comfort.

My mum is ancient and practically blind, very frail. And my strapping brute of a father is her 'carer'.

Anyway, there's not much you can do - no wonder you copied the model in your marriage, as did I. You can point her towards literature, eg Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. You could contact Help The Aged ( though they may not be as old as my parents) to see if there's anything you can do.

But don't tiptoe around him in the hope you'll appeal to his better nature. You don't need to care what his opinion is bcs he's an abuser and his opinion is irrelevant. Tread carefully, I suppose, to make she doesn't get it when you leave the house.

You have my sympathy but, ultimately, you have to leave her to make her own choices. You've enough to be going on with.

*make sure she

I missed the "40 years" oops sorry. Mobile phone and kids don't mix. Anyway, yes you should focus what's best for yourself. Let your mom know you will be there for her when she is ready.

Springydaffs, so sorry you are going through the same thing. Thanks for your advice.
I find my parents so draining. my mum looks to me for support and guidance and my father just character assassinates me and seems to spend a lot of time 'bitching' about me to my mother who then nods and agrees with him. The thing is, I know that there is nothing I can do but I guess I just feel down and alone and my fathers words are ringing round my head

Thanks blueberrypie, yes I do feel that my parents splitting up is not even an option. It's been too long and their attitudes are very deeply ingrained.