Advice on how to read this situation - male/female friendship

[ManOfSpiel]

Hi all

I would greatly appreciate a female view on this situation that I experienced recently as I'm pretty hopeless at reading situations. My wife thinks I'm naive and whilst this may be true I'd like a second opinion!

I've never really had any female friends but thought I'd made one in a company I was working for a while ago. Like me she was married with kids and so it was cool to talk about random stuff. I liked it as there was no flirting or silliness, just friendly banter or chit chat about life's ups/downs and the occasional coffee break.

Every now and then she would tell me what a good friend she thought I was and how glad she was that I was working there. I know this probably sounds sexist (unintentional) but I just thought that women are more open about friendships. My wife has often received gifts from her female friends with things like "if friends were flowers then I'd pick you" or "some people make the world better just by being in it" so assumed this was quite normal.

Anyway, the job wasn't working out for me so I handed in my notice. When I told my friend she started crying. I didn't know what to do as she was really upset (I hope this doesn't sound like a stealth boast as it's not intended at all).

When I told my wife she said that I should leave her alone as it didn't sound right and that she obviously liked me more than I realised.

I disagreed as I thought she was just a friend and was just sad to see me leave. The trouble is, I've had the occasional email but I've been a bit cold as I'm not sure if I've been totally naive about the whole thing.

Am I right to drop her as a friend?

I dont know what this wom an is thinking obviously but one of my close male colleagues left work kast year. I was gutted. We have worked closely together for 9 years. I dont have a shred of a romantic feeling for him though!

I remember being really upset when someone left my work.

Her reaction to you leaving does sound rather over emotional. She may or may not have romantic ideas about you but she is certainly far more attached than is healthy

I don't see why you can't be friends though, as long as you set boundaries.

I think the boundaries have already been breached, sadly. I'd listen to your DW OP....

Not necessarily. It depends on her work environment and what is going on with her - some of which you may not know about.

For example, being bullied at work - or even feeling bullied - is horrific. If you are in that situation and the person you perceive to be your "only friend" leaves or your main source of support - that would be pretty devastating.

Crying about you leaving isn't actually like to be sexually related; it's much too visceral. It's more likely that its indicative of other emotional issues she has going on.

So - no I wouldn't drop her as a friend. I'd gently talk to her about her work situation and if she's happy generally and see what sort of responses you get.

You say she's in a company you were working for 'a while ago' - do you mean days/weeks/months ago? And for how long were you colleagues?

Now you are not colleagues, how about inviting her + DH + kids to meet up with your family? That resets the friendship away from the office.

I agree itch AuntieStella, try and introduce her to your wife and family, let the friendship evolve now you've left. I'm presuming she has never hinted or flirted heavily, just been a normal friend..

I can't imagine crying and getting really upset about someone leaving work. I agree she sounds far too attached in whatever way and it's unhealthy.

Your wife has told you to leave it alone and I would urge you to do so. It would make absolutely no sense to be told by your wife to leave it alone then suggest introducing her to your family.

The odd email from an ex colleague isn't worth upsetting your wife over.

Thank you all for the advice so far. Much appreciated

To be honest she never came across as someone with issues. Quite the opposite really as she's a bubbly character with great wit/humour. She spoke about her family fondly and it sounded like her OH was a decent, hands on, chap. She disliked a female colleague very much though and we did used to have a bit of moan together but it didn't seem anything out of the ordinary. I moan about my male colleagues too on occasion.

I'm no expert though so if she did have issues then she was either very good at hiding them or, as could well be the case, I was just not perceptive enough.

It's a difficult one and something I'm not experienced with. I value the friendship but value my marriage more. I personally don't see that this is anything but friendship but I understand my wife's concerns and that's been enough for me to leave it alone. My wife is not controlling or the jealous type so don't see it as her simply not liking me having a female friend all of a sudden.

Ironically I think she'd get on well with my wife but think the boat has sailed on that front as I left the company over a year ago. She never flirted or made any suggestive comments ever and neither did I. I make a point of never flirting with female colleagues anyway and would never encourage it. It might be boring but think it's disrespectful to all. That's what makes me feel like I've lost a good friend but my family comes first so am not going to get resentful over it.

It's been great to get an alternative view though so many thanks again