How to survive a completely broken heart

[ratburger]

Please help me to feel better or be stronger. My Fiancé left me a few months before our wedding a year ago. I thought until he left that we were a very happy couple and had no idea he had any doubts. He just left me a note that he'd moved out.

He took my stepchildren too, who I was a primary caregiver for over a period of six years and I have not seen them since (he felt a clean break was best for everyone).

I have seen him several times since but never the children, and they are still very young and sometimes I find myself sneaking a look at them on their mother's facebook page and can't believe how much bigger they look and i feel like someone is knifing me in the gut.

For the first six months he was back and forth telling me he loved me and wanted me back and still sleeping with me and I was pulled back and forwards for a long time until he finally admitted that he hadn't loved me deeply as he'd said he had, and that he actually still loved his kids mother.

I asked him why he had made a life with me and a home and had booked a wedding and told me I was the love of his life every day for so many years and he said he thought he had meant those things but realised it was just infatuation based on me being very attractive to look at.

I haven't seen him again since that conversation and no longer speak to him at all, and that was five months ago.

I just want to believe I will one day be happy again but I feel like I have just been broken down.

I am very lonely and sad inside, but I can't date. I'm firstly very paranoid that my looks is all I have and that who I am inside isn't worth very much. I find myself stalking my dates - I mean literally Googling them, trying to find dirt on them, Facebook searching their exes. I am completely paranoid and just desperate for people's approval. I'm so scared someone else will lie to me or hurt me and don't feel worth loving.

I also worry so much about how I never saw this. People say that if you're loved you know it and I deeply felt and believed that he loved me and never saw any sign at all of remaining affection of any kind for his ex wife. I thought we were two peas in a pod.

I also feel like I wasn't worth an explanation or a conversation or any chance to understand why any of it was happening to me. At first he told me all sorts of diferrent reasons - personal attacks on me about things he'd never even mentioned before that made no sense (he didn't like my dog?) and I spent so long in this mad confusion trying to add up why he was saying all those mean things that didn't make any sense. He acted angry at me when he did it, as if I had done something wrong.

I do feel better than I did but I just can't imagine in my head any time where I will be happy again like I once was or like myself again. Can anyone please tell me if after something like this you can have a life as good as you once did.

I don't want him back, of course not, but I do miss the world how it used to be. With my family around me and feeling like I was loved by them and him so much and now I just feel like nothing inside.

I'm hesitating to say this but when I was reeling with the horror of the monster I had married I looked at how on earth I'd ended up with someone so horrific, so barely human, and why I'd put up with so much. I went into therapy and it slowly dawned that my father was an abuser, I had followed the model. But I also looked into codependency and it was a solace in a way, it made sense. I say this because your relationship started with him a poor broken thing... I assume you felt sorry for him. I also felt sorry for my ex (terrible childhood - which he milked, I have to say). You may still be stuck in feeling sorry for him - to your detriment. Can't link but take a look at CODA.

That's NOT to say it's all our fault! No, there are a number of things going on here and codependency may be one of them

If he's not gone back to the kids' mother (so it's not a caase of them resuming their marriage as though you never happened) then I would recommend sending her an email or text or something to the effect that you would like to see the children from time to time. For their sake, because they may well miss you. Their mum is probably 'no drama' type of person because she had enough and more of drama and performance when she was with this dickhead of a man: if you got on with her and the kids then a visit or meetup now and again , given that DIckhead will be out of the picture, is no bad thing.

And tell them you didn't leave them, it wasn't your choice.

He wasn't a wounded bird springy. He was a man who was very sad to be going through an unwanted divorce, but he seemed strong and positive (one of the things I loved about him most) and he never needed tending or saving. He just represented it as the fact that they had been out of love for many years, he'd been living in a loveless situation with someone who was in love with someone else and he was so glad he had finally found happiness of his own.

I don't think I was looking for anything, or for anyone to complete me or save me; but I was very attracted to his good nature, his positive attitude, the way he put his children first, the way he wasn't needy or anything but also made it so clear that being around me made him incredibly happy. I liked his character which seemed really together, calm, honest, honourable. I liked the way he was handling his divorce. He was very decent to her, very honourable.

Hence the way he treated me was an absolute shock.

Up until he left I don't think I ever saw him say or do anything thoughtless or unkind or even a bit off. He was just a great person. My favourite person!

I don't think we were co-dependent or that he showed any narcissistic tendencies at all in the relationship. He did bend over backwards for me but I did so for him as well because I loved him. I went through it in therapy. Even under scrutiny we had a great relationship from my perspective.

Whether he was playing the role of my perfect man I will never know. I suppose it's possible. I suppose many things are possible and I know it's unlikely I will ever get any sort of answer and just have to live with it.

What I might do is drop the Mum a message on FB and just say that I don't talk to the ex anymore but that I always think of the children and miss them a lot and should she ever want to get in touch please know I'd love to hear from them.

I don't think contacting small children against the wishes of the parents, however unfair, is the right thing to do.

Maybe, to be honest, he just didn't really love me and didn't even know it himself until that moment.

He probably loved her, but went through a long period of knowing she didn't love him anymore and trying hard to rekindle that to no avail. Then she finally left him for the OM and he felt awful and I was a rebound who came along at rock bottom.

I was younger and more attractive than his ex wife so it probably bolstered his self esteem a lot, impressed his family and friends a bit, everyone liked me and said how happy he looked, his kids liked me and he got back the "family life" he craved.

I think maybe he just had a fantasy that I could walk in and make it okay for him.

Then as the wedding approached he realised he didn't love me like he loved her, and couldn't marry me.

And yes, he was a coward and definitely very selfish and he handled it about as badly as a person could handle it. He wasn't strong enough to face me and explain to me the ways he'd stolen a life from me for his own gain and he couldn't face family and friends or his children and explain himself like a strong person would do - so he ran away.

It's a horrible thing for me to think, and I do think he managed to completely compartmentalise any sense of care for my wellbeing or the children but I think he just didn't love me.

I hope someone else will.

I really loved him.

So did he just move himself and his children in with you? And moved them out without giving them the chance to say goodbye? And you MISS him?

On another thread I mentioned cognitive dissonance. This is what you are going through. You are trying to reconcile two mutually exclusive things:

a) He is a lovely bloke
b) He behaved incredibly badly, which shows he really isn't a lovely bloke

For you to remain sane, you are trying to reconcile these two things. On the one hand you have the memory of him being lovely, you're still in love with that man and you want it back. On the other hand you know he's behaved appallingly and that a lovely man wouldn't behave like that.

What you have to do is to accept that you didn't properly know the man you loved. He has shown you a fresh side to his character that is absolutely unlovable. He's created so much damage to his own children, lied to his family, lied to his own children and deserted you when you had cared for his family as though you were their mother.

He is a dreadful man. He really should have a tattoo on his forehead to warn every other woman who sees him.

After nine months we got a house together, for the first nine months we slowly introduced the children to me. going bowling etc. Was still very fast.

Yes, he just sent me a note to say he was gone and had his own place and never came back. I never saw his kids again. They came to his place for their weekend two weeks later to find they lived somewhere else and I was gone. totally bizarre behavior.

Imperial, that is EXACTLY what is going on. My brain can't cope with it. I endlessly search for ways to understand how this person I knew better than any other person on earth did this and if I didn't really know him...what do I know about anything or anyone?

I feel very unsafe in the world because of that. I thought he was a fantastic human being based on watching him day after day for years. It's really mind boggling.

I know he did all those things, but like you say they don't really register as real in my mind because it is just SO INSANE

I can't express how angry I feel on your behalf for how this man has treated you. What you have written has made me cry. I can only imagine how betrayed and devastated you must feel. I have no words of wisdom, there's been some lovely and insightful posts on this thread and I hope they've given you some comfort. It will take time but I hope that one day you are able to love and trust again. You sound like such a lovely woman, someone that any decent man would be proud to be with. Love, strength and hugs to you.

Thanks awhole it really has given me a lot of comfort, I've felt so much better for some of the nice words and encouragement especially from people who have recovered as well as those with a bit of insight. I sometimes feel like people hate him so much in real life that I can't really show how much pain I am still in.

I'm glad you have found people's posts helpful. There's a book I've recommended to people before that I found quite useful. It's Paul McKenna's ' I can mend your broken heart'. It's got some very good exercises you can do to help put it behind you. Have a look at the reviews on Amazon, it's definitely helped me in the past! X

i bought that book months ago but havent managed to tackle it. is it worthwhile then?

Seconding the Paul Kenna book recommendation and also a book called Psychopath Free that you can buy on Amazon (if you think he may have had some sociopathic / personality disorder tendancies, obvs not if not).

Im finding this thread so interesting and helpful. Rat and others, how long do you think it takes to really get over someone you were deeply in love with? Rat, do you feel like you are making some progress even though you are still deeply hurting? I want to be over my Ex Fiance so much, am totally NC and keeping busy, but still miss him as much as ever

I think it would be a good idea if you did contact the childrens mother, to see if she would consent to some kind of contact with them, after all the love you gave them in their early years. Even if it were only photographs, you could treasure .

Elsabelle yes, I do feel like i have made progress. It's all a lot of phases and stages and things to tackle I suppose, especially when it's a shock and you have no chance to prepare.

At first it was like being in a dream I suppose, and it took a long time before I could manage anything at all. Like eating properly, or talking to people, or paying my bills. I actually didn't pay my bills for months and ended up in trouble. I was just in such deep shock I left envelopes unopened. I think during those months I was not alive really. I wished I was dead every day. In that space you've no wish to do anything practical.

The progress from that stage has come slowly. I stayed in limbo though until I went no contact. Until then I think I just believed he would come back and it would all somehow be okay. After making that decision and for the first time really accepting reality that my life as I knew it was over I began the healing process properly.

Moved out of our home. Sorted my finances. Went on holiday. Started seeing friends and going out. Dated a little bit. Set myself some goals and achieved them.

A lot of the time it's been like pretending to be okay, because inside you're dying, but when you pretend then you suddenly find yourself going a day without thinking about him so I think there's a lot to be said for faking it until you make it.

Then time does it's job, and the new life you have becomes more familiar than the old one slowly. You stop waking up in the morning and taking that split second to register that your life is totally diferrent now.

The counselling helped me. Exercise helped me enormously. Writing a journal helped me. It's back and forth though. Sometimes I have a good week and then a bad week. Sometimes I still find myself on the phone to Samaritans in the middle of the night because I just can't believe this happened to me and want to scream or beg God to make it not be true!

I love that quote from the Marigold hotel about it being all right in the end, and if it's not all right, it's not the end.

I had a terribly broken heart in my early twenties. Together for years and loved him so much and to be honest always loved him (and still do) but I got over it and thrived and loved again equally strongly.

The diferrence was I suppose that he did not do anything absolutely awful that damaged me. I just feel sometimes like i will survive this, but not as who I was and that maybe the betrayal is just too bad for me to be a normal person again.

That is what makes me feel sad and scared and worried most.

You are lovely! I hope you realise that. You have a lovely spirit, comes through in your writing.

Loss and betrayal just does take a long time to recover from. And, yes, we are changed people. I like to think we are better people- though the route to it we would never have volunteered for.

Sorry to be bog standard practical here, but when you say ' we were not codependent' it shows you don't know what codependency is (don't worry, most people don't). His brokeness when you met him was not necessarily obvious (as it wasn't with my ex). Have a look at CODA . I am not saying you are codependent, just that it was a help to me.

terrible grammar, sorry i blame my laptop/tablet/self

thank you springy funny how a stranger saying that makes me feel a little bit brighter and more normal!

I had a read of that site, and, not a lot of it fits me...but loads of it actually fits him!

He has trouble identifying his feelings
He minimises how he feels
He denies how he feels
He perceives himself as completely unselfish (honestly even now! kept telling me it was as hard for him as me)
He lacks empathy
He masks pain
He only expresses negativity in passive ways
Big problems making decisions
Always needed everyone's approval (weirdly so)
He has always lied to look good
Real problems with deadlines
Compromised his values all the time to avoid anger
Never argued with anyone
Always made decisions without regard to the consequences.
Always avoided change
He really needed to be needed by me
Completely avoided conflict (never saw him have one in 6.5 years)

That was him to a tee. Ironically, all those things actually made him a wonderful partner in a sense because he just always wanted to make me happy and do things for me. He said because he was easygoing which he genuinely seemed to be.

What does that mean?

He did have a weird habit of not feeling anything about anything until he'd asked me how I felt. Then he decided. But it was never like a range of emotions...he felt positive emotions in excess. A lot of joy, happiness, humour, love, affection. His eyes danced a lot with happiness and love at me or the kids but if something bad was happening it was like he wasn't actually experiencing it.

Well, I'm not a professional. But whatever it is that's wrong with him, he's not right is he. Not right in the head department.

I wonder what is ex-wife's version of events is...

*his

Wow - I know this thread is over a week old now but ratburger - I am in a relationship with a man that is almost exactly like yours sounds, and I'm a bit freaked out by it.

Similarities:

• Met him and started dating him at a traumatic time in his life (widower, left with 2 young children, found out his wife was cheating on him)
• Fell in love with each other very quickly, felt each other was the one, he was full of positivity and hope for the future and for us, very vocal about what he wanted, extremely loving
• I have a good relationship with his kids
• He has had sudden moments where he just changes, and its like he doesn't love me at all. I "talked him round" from one of them, just over a year ago, because I convinced myself it was his depression. But he still blows hot and cold, and I am just full of anxiety that he is going to bail, and that I will lose him and the kids (we don't live together, but they are all a huge part of my lives, and feel like my family)
• He too has a lot of the personality traits you listed above...perceives himself as unselfish, calls himself a "people pleaser", says he has always put others before himself, avoids conflict, says he just wants a stress-free life. Recently (past 6 months) he has developed more of a temper.

I had been looking through MN Relationships because I just feel like I am about to get my heart broken by this man. My feelings for him are unchanging - I love him to bits and my whole view of my future was built around him and the kids, because that is what he convinced me he wanted too.

Sorry to rabbit on about myself - but I just found our situations a bit similar, and certainly their personalities seem similar. I hope you are doing ok