Feeling oppressed in other Mum's company

[packetofcrisps]

This is my first time posting and I guess I could use some support and advice.
An old school friend moved next door a couple of years ago and we just so happened to fall pregnant at the same time.

Our baby girls are now coming up to 9 months old and have birthdays a day apart, which should be nice, but it's not.

When my neighbour and I were pregnant we would visit each others houses and talk about how it was going. She would constantly talk about herself, her problems, her work situation. I felt sorry for her as she had blood pressure problems and I was there to lend an ear. I was off work for almost my entire pregnancy with an iron deficiency, terrible sickness and concurrent kidney infections. But she never really wanted to know, then her medical issues were more serious so I'd try to be a good friend and listen. I felt lucky in comparison.

When our babies were born, we would swap stories and advice, but again, the conversation was always one sided and she would talk over me. My Daughter had terrible colic and would scream for 5 hours straight every night. But I'd listen to her talk endlessly about her night feeds, her routine. She was completely disinterested in anything I had to say even when I needed to confide in someone. I was later diagnosed with PND. Again, she wasnt interested and talked only about herself.

This has continued, if my Daughter is poorly, hers has been dreadfully ill, if Ive had a bad night, hers has been worse. She doesnt even ask about my Daughter anymore or pay her any attention when she sees her... I always feel oppressed and down once Ive been in her company.

As neighbours we see each other a lot and go to the same baby groups 3 times a week so ignoring her isnt an option. I guess on the face of it, this sounds like competitive mummy syndrome on both fronts and I dont deny it plays a part. I'm just so tired of her dramatic anecdotes and lack of interest when I talk about my own Daughter or experiences of parenting when she talks endlessly about hers.

Maybe this is the PND talking. My tolerance of other people hasn't been great over the last 9 months, although my other mummy friends are fantastic and make me feel happy to be around them.

I think I just want to find a method of coping in her company, I'm fed up of feeling rubbish when Ive seen her.

There are just some people in this world who cannot bring themselves to show an interest in anyone else. I think we all know someone like that. It can be so tiring to be around them but especially I would imagine with PND you need to be around people who support you. It may be that she's not all that bad and your depression makes it harder to cope with, but in all honesty it doesn't matter why you find her annoying, you do need to find some way to look after yourself. Maybe drop one of the baby classes you do together, stop going round to her house or at an extreme you could have it out with her if you think that would help?

I just feel reading your post that you need to be brave and get some distance between you. Not least so you can remember why you even liked her in the first place! Or, just talk about everything non-baby with her and see if that helps your friendship?

You're choosing all of this. Why don't you spend less time in her company?

It is not the PND talking. She sounds like an absolute pain in the arse! I woukd do everything I could to distance myself, even if that meant going and finding ither groups. Poor you!

I'd cool the friendship. She sounds draining to be around.

Drop down to baby group once a week and find other activities or friends to see. Be 'busy' a lot when she suggests meeting up. Spend more time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Take back control of your time.

Could you wear an Ipod and a suitable far away look? Failing that always be on your phone when around her. It will probably take about four years before it sinks in as she sounds like a right narc.

Thanks. It' s a shame to cut the baby groups, but my other mummy friends may be happy to join to dilute her presence I guess.
I do spend a lot of time around other supportive mummies and I havent been round to my neighbours house since the New Year, it's usually just conversations on the doorstep now thankfully.

But she can really change my mood during a 10 minute conversation... I think that's partly my issue as I'm a little sensitive at the moment.

The last time I went to her house, I asked to borrow her spare steriliser after ours blew up. Her response was 'you can but I expect it back immaculate' so I havent wanted to spend time with her since. I never borrowed it either after that response!

She sounds really horrible. It's really not you being sensitive. It probably is the PND making you feel beholden and guilty for not being her emotional sponge ;) When you're recovered I guarantee you wiil think "ah feck off her next door, you moaning windbag" ...

I have a friend like this. I call her the Dementor as she saps all the happiness out of me. You can't change these people, the only thing you can change is how it affects you.
I minimised contact and now when I see her I genuinely feel quite sorry for her as she is clearly self absorbed and a bit bonkers.

She sounds like a drama queen. It is like she is back at school.

Come off it, she's not a friend!

Distance yourself otherwise you are going to have years of misery.
You now know not to borrow stuff from her.

Mix with the other mums at baby groups so that she hasn't got a monopoly on you
Stop calling round. I'd even shorten the doorstep conversations and I would stop talking in general about your DD. she clearly isn't interested so why should you suffer listening to her child's aliments!

You can distance yourself in the same room, sitting next to her! I don't mean being sniffy, just not particularly available.

She sounds awful. You need people like this like a hole in the head, particularly if you've PND at present.

Lap up your lovely friends and give her a wide berth xx

Perhaps when she sees you try and say as little as possible about yourself and your dc. It doesn't sound like she's interested in your life, so save yourself the effort of thinking what to say. Also, you'll be spared that horrible feeling when your comments are ignored, and the "enough of you, let's talk about me !" syndrome.

Also, if she makes everything a drama and wants to compete in the not sleeping/not eating stakes, perhaps a little "Oh dear" or "That's a shame" after every comment. Whilst she's talking you can mentally note other things you need to do that day. Definitely give her a swerve at every opportunity.

The fact she's an old school friend and a neighbour are just a coincidence and a matter of geography. She doesn't have a right to your friendship, and would drive me round the bend.

I'd move :)

Thanks all. Reading it back, I guess I should add that she does ask questions and take an interest from time to time, but I feel she only ever wants information that she can utilise for herself. Her questions are specifically to do with areas she needs help with, such as teething or weaning. If what I say has no interest to her, or isnt applicable, she switches off.

A good example is me being referred back to the hospital after I started bleeding very heavily 3 weeks after delivery. Her response was 'oh no, I hope that doesn't happen to me' I thought I was being sensitive at the time but it really is all 'me me me'

Some great advice here. Thankyou, I'm going to start making less effort with her, as talking about my own DD is wasted energy too.

Some people are just like this. Sounds like all you have in common is that you gave birth at the same time. I met plenty of odd people like this when I was on ML whom I tried to talk myself into thinking they were OK. They weren't so I dumped them. Not t so easy for you so o would just cool it.

Hang on, is there a chance she also has pnd but doesn't know how to address it? Perhaps she is in her own bubble of anxiety and stress and is not coping well.

PND doesn't make you behave like an antisocial, self-centred arsehole. She may have PND but she may just be a royal pain in the ass. This problem appears to predate the prenatal period in any case.

Definitely a chance thorny... I've thought the same thing. I doubt she'd be likely to address it though. Like you say too Phoenix... her self centred ways tends to pre-date our babies being born so it cant all be down to PND. She's definitely a little unsure of herself though.
Baby group today seemed to go ok with her. Maybe because I've spoken up on here about the way she makes me feel. I did have to ask her to allow some room for me and my Daughter during the massage activity though as she decided to spread her baby, her shoes, bags and coat out and we couldn't squeeze onto the mat. I think she's just very naturally inconsiderate, I just need to try not to take it personally.