Stately homers / NCers - when you look like your relative(s)

[coffeeslave]

This is probably going to sound unhinged, but I was wondering if any other Stately Homes or NC people are experiencing the same.

(I'm not NC with my parents but it's not out of the question; we're definitely a Stately Home-type family though.)

I recently turned the age my mum was when she had me, and I've noticed over the last 6-12 months that I'm started to really resemble her. It's as if my own face is now the one I see instead of hers in my baby photos, you know? Before, you could see the family resemblance, but now I actually look like her and it's making me freak out.

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do? I'm not above considering getting a facelift or similar to take away the close resemblance.

I know, logically, that I am not my mother and that we're different people; and that because I'm aware of how awful she is that I'm not likely to turn into her (oh god I hope not). Logically, I know that. But emotionally? Every time i look in the mirror I see her.

Can anyone relate? How do you cope?

I find myself getting more and more like my DM every day. In looks as well as mannerisms. It really annoys me, but there's nothing I can do about it. (I can see DD1 going the same way too, already).

Oh god, I do the mannerisms too. I try to be wary but when I slip and catch myself doing something (especially if it's a mannerism which has driven me mad for years) it upsets me. I want to think I can get out of the habits but it'll definitely take work

I suspect it's tied to a fear of ageing, too. My mum is 75+ and quite ill (geriatric type illnesses), and since she became ill I've started fearing my own ageing process, if you see what I mean.

Get that facelift.

No matter how much you come to terms with the fact that you're different to your mother, visual similarities can hit you hard and unexpectedly especially in unguarded moments.

If you like someone a lot and then meet someone else who looks just like them, you're often likely to respond more warmly to them than if they looked like the total stranger that they actually are. That works in reverse too; if you dislike someone intensely, you tend to find it hard to be completely neutral to someone who looks like them (at least until you really get to know them, first impressions can be gotten over).

But when it's so close to home as looking like your own mother in the mirror, no matter how well you come to terms with the similarity emotionally it'll still catch you offguard now and then. If you can afford it, why not gain peace of mirror-mind by that adjustment?

You will have to face that you too will get older. But just because you get older doesn't mean you'll end up like her. Conscious choice plays a very big part in that.

I have a cough that makes me cringe. It is hers and it used to really annoy me. Now I have it. How do I make it go away?

It isn't just you, OP. I think we just have to trust to our own common sense and determination!

I really empathise with this. And I think logic doesn't help because it's ultimately a way of silencing yourself just like they probably did - telling yourself you shouldn't feel x and it's irrational to feel y so stop it.

I find it helps to actually articulate to yourself what you are feeling, to really pay attention to what that is eg fear, grief, sadness. These feelings are information about what's going on deep inside. I know this sounds a bit woo, but instead of thinking "I shouldnt feel x because..." acknowledge what you DO feel and why. However illogical you think it is.

I find voicing feelings makes space for other feelings. As I say it sounds kind of woo but it's like you are crying and you need to get a tissue and comfort yourself before you try to stop.

Thank you for the replies everyone, it's good to know I'm not alone

I very much look like my abusive dad. But I think the impact is lessened because I'm the opposite sex, so the resemblance isn't so strong.

I do sometimes hear myself sounding like my toxic mum, which really upsets me.

Would a totally different haircut help at all, coffee? It would at least be cheaper than surgery

I feel this. Particularly my reflection in glass, strangely. It can make me jump.

Annoyingly, there's a strong resemblance to my sister as well, who is also difficult. I even have her bloody voice, which has grated on me for years.

Sometimes I want to go and live in a cave, and never speak again...

However, one way I find I can make myself feel better is by noticing behaviours that are totally different to those of my mum and sister. So, I do something cool and think "she'd NEVER have done that," or one of my kids will say or do something and I'll think "I wouldn't have had that conversation with my mum."

This reminds me that you can't help your genes, but you can choose not to behave like a twat