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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Experiences of non molestation orders?

20 replies

sus14 · 27/02/2015 13:59

I have an appointment to see a solicitor on monday about getting a non molestation order against my ex. I have grounds, but I am not going to be able to get legal aid, but i don't have the funds so will have to borrow. So it's a big deal.

What i want to achieve is this:

  • not to get loads of texts from him each day, in fact none ever again please (police say if he does send lots of texts they will warn him re harassment so they don't think i need an injunction - other professionals think a non mol is a good idea to protect me. i actually want no texts - as i find them v stressful esp tbh when they tell me how much he is suffering - so what i consider harassment may not be the same as police).
  • to have fixed times for contact agreed via the same solicitor - not sure if this is part of non mol or comes alongside it in a letter?
  • to handover at his, or in public, or via third party - not at my house
  • if he wants access to the house, which is jointly his, and has a lot of his stuff in, for it to be arranged via same solicitor - i am not trying to prevent him entering the house- just not while i am there and not unless pre arranged.
  • he can't contact my family members and do his woe is me story

Is a non mol the right way to go? I have mixed feelings about it as seems extreme to get a court order but I don't feel that the police have done enough after he attacked me. Wondered what other people's experiences were and if it's worth getting one?

OP posts:
postmanpatscat · 27/02/2015 18:03

I don't think you will get one. My DP and I have had worse than that from our respective exes and were advised against applying. I did manage to get exH to agree that he will not contact DP's ex in my latest contact order, but that was because my DC are teens and they both stated that they wanted contact between their dad and DP's ex to stop.

What you need is a child arrangements order. That will deal with the contact and handover details. I don't know about the house issues though.

Original poster
sus14 · 27/02/2015 19:56

he attacked me on tuesday so those are the grounds , i have a crime ref number. I don't think he will attack me again but I can't handle any contact with him, that's why i am applying. sorry didn't make that clear. i guess i need both a non mol and a child arrangements order?

OP posts:
guyfawk · 27/02/2015 20:01

Contact the national centre for domestic violence on 0844 8044 999 they'll be able to advise, and prepare the paperwork.

Original poster
sus14 · 27/02/2015 20:19

thank you i have spoken to them several times today, they are great and what's more i got straight through each time ! they can do paper work but not represent you in court. i;m seeing this sol as it is friend of a friend who does this work and hence i would get legal repr in court (at a cost), and also she could do the child contact arrangements ongoing.

i am just wondering if a non mol is worth the cost and the stress of getting a court order, whether it really makes a difference ,or if a strongly worded sol letter who is dealing with child contact arrangements would have same effect?

OP posts:
MsDFye · 27/02/2015 23:04

Arn't the police encouraging you to press charges for the attack? I believe that if you do this then his bail conditions might include having to stay away from you/not contact you which would save you from taking out a non-molestation order.
I don't want to misinform you so please ask the solicitor you mentioned when you see her.

MsDFye · 27/02/2015 23:06

If you don't feel the police are doing enough to support you then ask if they have a specialist domestic violence unit. They are much more helpful, in my experience.

WrappedInABlankie · 27/02/2015 23:20

wouldn't Hold your breath re the text, a verbal warning isn't worth the words uttered in my experience. After the second warning tell them you want a harassment warning notice served upon him (he doesn't have to agree to this) then if he carries on they can arrest him.

However I'm applying for a non mol now and this started in 2011 DV, EA he's had numerous harassment verbal warnings Which did nothing, a warning notice which did nothing Ect

GL

yougotafriend · 27/02/2015 23:31

Represent yourself, a non-molestation order is free of charge, only the solicitors charge you.

My sister is on her 2nd one, hadn't paid a penny. The solicitor with your local women's aid should be able to send you templates and you type it out in that format, it gets sent to the court along with all the crime reference numbers etc (print out all texts). When you get a court date, phone to see if they have someone available to sit in with you, they can't speak for you but can take notes.

Honestly my DSis was terrified but didn't have to speak other than to confirm details, the judge had already decided (she thinks).

bunchoffives · 27/02/2015 23:42

What's with the texts? Get a phone just for him (a different number for everyone else that he doesn't know). Look at his phone once a day/week, whatever you decide.

I think you definitely need sol advice re a non-mol when he owns half the house and is still in contacts with your dcs.

WellWhoKnew · 27/02/2015 23:55

I live under a barrage of e-communications but wouldn't think of getting a NM because we can't prove I'm at physical risk. Given what's gone on with my divorce, suspicions are raised but the police think they can manage without, and I am coping by not reading his missives. Saves on a 3K legal fee.

So I duck down and get on with it. It's all relative. In my experience a NM makes things worse not better. So if you can avoid one, all the better. However, it's hard work living without one. But safer if you can.

Take care.

LadyB49 · 28/02/2015 00:52

Get another phone

daisychain01 · 28/02/2015 05:13

No specific advice but just generally, try to be targeted about what you want a sol to achieve for you, as some of what you mention on your list is either fixable without a sol, or else chasing good money after bad, because you may go to all that expense and it still doesn't fix the problem.

Getting a separate mobile is sensible advice, don't get sucked into text exchanges, only use texts to relay facts/info re for the DCs

Seems you need to get a court order for the shared care, you can self represent for that. IME The judge tends to give additional support if you do.

Original poster
sus14 · 28/02/2015 06:48

i would have pressed charged but police said not to, as they would have had to take video evidence from my dd, I've since researched this and I think they are wrong, all they needed was me to be willing to appear in court, which i was. this is the specialist domestic violence unit! He also has previous episodes documented. They released him with a caution and a list of counsellors - no conditions, no protection for me! They even told him to text me re access when i have told them i wanted no contact.

I feel at risk physically as the last attack came out of the blue and after a period of amicableness, but mainly mentally as i can't cope with seeing him or his texts. i thought about getting a new number but my social worker said - why should you have to, just stop him texting ! At the moment he's not allowed to contact me under social services orders, who are being way better than the police, so i have a few days breathing space.

but a non mol seems complicated with a child involved as even though we can agree usual contact, holidays etc will always vary and i don't really want to have to pay a solicitor each time we need to arrange a holiday contact .

OP posts:
Original poster
sus14 · 28/02/2015 06:51

i'm happy to self represent though, it;s the costs I'm worried about, and ongoing costs if a solicitor has to deal with contact issues (although i suppose we can cover a load of holidays in one exchange since we know school term dates).

don't i still have to pay the 2k for the order if i self represent?

OP posts:
Original poster
sus14 · 28/02/2015 07:00

i am wondering if the sol could write a strongly worded letter explaining that we are considering a non mol, unless he refrains from contact, apart from by email. the email he has for me is quite an old one and it's not attached to my devices etc, so i could just check it once a week. i know you are supposed to apply for a non mol v quickly after an attack but i think i've read that if you can show that you have taken steps to gain the same outcome by avoiding court, that is ok, sol can obviously advise.

the main thing as well as no texts is that i don't want him turning up at the house or any contact handover taking place at the house, which he may contest on basis it's half his.

the social worker will fix up the contact arrangements initially, it's not really up to me at the moment so he can't negotiate with me anyway.

OP posts:
WrappedInABlankie · 28/02/2015 13:24

My solicitor sent two of these out before we could apply.

So I've changed my phone & numbers
Moved house x 3 (still found me)
Called the police numerous times
Changed email address
Shut down all email address's
2 x warning letters from my sol.

It takes quite a lot to prove you've done everything you can to stop him

WrappedInABlankie · 28/02/2015 13:25

My solicitor sent two of these out before we could apply.

So I've changed my phone & numbers
Moved house x 3 (still found me)
Called the police numerous times
Changed email address
Shut down all email address's
2 x warning letters from my sol.

It takes quite a lot to prove you've done everything you can to stop him

bunchoffives · 28/02/2015 13:29

So are these the facts: he has attacked you more than once; the police are involved; social workers are involved?

But you are still concerned about how to facilitate contact between the abuser and your children?

Are you off your trolley?

Why oh why are you letting your children have contact?

Has a court ordered it?

If so (and it's the ONLY reason I can think of for why you would be letting your DC have risky contact) then you need to get back to court to get the order varied.

WrappedInABlankie · 28/02/2015 14:01

My solicitor sent two of these out before we could apply.

So I've changed my phone & numbers
Moved house x 3 (still found me)
Called the police numerous times
Changed email address
Shut down all email address's
2 x warning letters from my sol.

It takes quite a lot to prove you've done everything you can to stop him

yougotafriend · 01/03/2015 09:58

My DSis didn't pay a penny, the actual order is free. It used to be £90 but that charge was dropped in April 2014

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