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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't want to lash out and throw him out but...ffs

22 replies

lolaflores · 27/02/2015 13:27

Everytime we agree for him to change some aspect of his behavior, it doesn't really happen. THe most recent straw is his habit of setting his alarm for 5am then doing countless snoozes till 6.30. It wakes me up. I don't go back to sleep. We have discussed it. Nothing has changed.

I am currently in an air caste with a fucked up Achilles. Am meant to be resting (HAH) but he seems oblivious.

I am not sure if I have heard that straw snap. but right now I want to text him and tell him not to come home. I am choking on tears but they are angry ones. Does wanting to scare him count as childish? He never listens. He works constantly, at home and at the office. He comes to bed hours after me. I don't know what to to do. We are in the US. No where to go for me. Just help me

OP posts:

sakura · 27/02/2015 13:29

Can you throw him out if you wanted to? I suspect not.You say you have nowhere to go and are in the US. Do you work? Can you get home? Is there anywhere you can go for a break from him?

BuzzardBird · 27/02/2015 13:30

You are in pain, it is affecting your mood.

Break his clock or re-set it without telling him.

I hope you feel better soon.

Original poster

lolaflores · 27/02/2015 13:31

I do't work and am currently left with use of only left leg. I know he will start making threats about taking youngest dd2 (8). He will throw so much shit I won't feel able to withstand it to be honest. I could book a hotel and let him come home to an empty house but again is that just spiteful rather than helpful

OP posts:

Original poster

lolaflores · 27/02/2015 13:32

Erm added to which I am bi polar. That always gets chucked about.

OP posts:

Bumbledumb · 27/02/2015 13:41

If I were you, I'd give him an ultimatum on the alarm. If he keeps setting it to 5am, then it is going in the bin. He is possibly ruining his own health by messing with his sleep patterns and overworking. He will burn out if he tries to keep that up.

Maybe you could get him a silent alarm clock as a gift? They sell them on Amazon for about $15.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2015 13:49

Abusive men often bring the child into it to further bring their chosen victim back into line; such men often threaten to take the child away. His threats are empty ones and designed purely to make you tow the line that he has drawn for you.

Seek help for you now whilst he is not there. There is likely to be a womens organisation or domestic violence charity in your area who you can and should now make contact with. You and your DD deserve a life free of his control of you both. This is not what you want to be teaching her also about relationships.

Original poster

lolaflores · 27/02/2015 15:22

Thanks everyone. I am going to text him to stay away tonight. Wait for the shit to hit the fan

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 27/02/2015 17:23

It sounds like this is just the tip of the iceberg, lola.

RandomMess · 27/02/2015 17:29

Have you got a spare room/somewhere else one of you can sleep?

whattheholyfeck · 27/02/2015 18:06

I tend to agree with Coyoacan.

He is unwilling to do a small thing for you that would vastly improve your wellbeing. He is threatening to take your child

He sounds like a wrong un to me. Sounds like my soon to be ex.

Are there other things he does to hurt you? Even if it seems like it's not done intentionally? Does he refer to your bi solar, does he blame you for stuff?

whattheholyfeck · 27/02/2015 18:08

Bi polar!!

FenellaFellorick · 27/02/2015 18:09

If it was just the alarm, I'd say go out and buy one without a snooze function, but it sounds like the alarm is a symptom of the actual problem. Do you have any friends you could turn to to help you here?

Original poster

lolaflores · 28/02/2015 13:12

Well. he spent the night in the spare bed. we talked. it was the tip of the ice berg and at the heart of it is feeling like a piece of scenery in everyone elses life. Compounded by the Achilles now. I have to slow down and I am afraid I will disappear completely.
My deepest concern is that neither he nor my daughter listen to me. I feel ground down, elbowed out and frankly abused right left and centre. I am having a hard time finding a space for myself amongst everyone. Unwanted....that is until I send a text telling him to move out....then we are all ears. He didn't threaten to take DD this time..he collected her from school saying "Don't worry we'll be straight home.."

In trying to be a good calm mum and a good supportive wife, I have handed everything over and no one values it. Crying again.

OP posts:

Humansatnav · 28/02/2015 13:16

Be kind to yourself.

Original poster

lolaflores · 28/02/2015 13:45

human I wish I knew what being kind to myself meant. I feel guilty about anything to do with me. Or it goes on a high shelf for later but I forget.

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livingzuid · 28/02/2015 14:57

Oh I'm so sorry to read this. I have bipolar too and good sleep is so crucial to manage it successfully. Your dh tbh sounds very unpleasant. You need support not thoughtlessness and aggression (comes in many forms not just physical). Keep posting, there is some great advice here. There will be a solution

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 15:12

My soon to be ex abused me for years by disrupting my sleep. It's a form of torture and you are not making a big deal out of nothing. It's cruel, especially if you have spoken to him, and he is aware of your mental health issues. He should be wanting to help the woman he loves. Not make it worse.

Lovely, it took me 15 years to realise that what I was experiencing was abuse.

I've given him until Friday to get out. And I'm feeling better already.

You do not deserve this. It may seem like a small thing but it's having a detrimental effect on your health, and he doesn't give a toss. Please consider leaving this man.

King1982 · 28/02/2015 17:07

I think most people in relationships need to change in one way or another. When you talk about these changes, does he express any changes he would like from you?
I think it's easier to make changes when both people in a couple decide to change. If it is always one person trying to mould the other then it's maybe not compatible, maybe abusive, maybe controlling.

Give and take is the way forward, IMO

livingzuid · 28/02/2015 17:32

How old is your eldest DD? You mention she is also abusing you - there are many sad threads of teens abusing parents and if she is of that age you may want to post in teenagers for specific advice. I guess she sees her dad being a dick and then follows that pattern.

It's not easy being partner to someone who has bipolar (I know!) but it doesn't excuse this kind of behaviour at all. My dh would cut off his arm rather than do something that makes me more ill.

Is there anyone in rl you can talk to?

RandomMess · 28/02/2015 19:25

Hugs be very kind to yourself and take one step at a time reasserting yourself and your needs.

paxtecum · 28/02/2015 19:30

My exson-in-law used to set his alarm for 5.30am and eventually get output of bed at 8.00.
The babies would get woken up too but he didn't care.
Arsehole.

Original poster

lolaflores · 02/03/2015 13:24

My eldest is 21, at home in London, ddA2 is nearly 8. It is quite easy for me to reach rock bottom. Often I feel confused and lost in some ways, which makes things even more distressing. I am on meds, never miss them, regularly see my psych and therapist but I get stuck in a hole sometimes.

Psyc has suggested ECT. I want to be off meds and try to see the world free of them.

In the end I didn't kick him out, we sat and talked. Well he held my hand while I cried. The alarm went off only once this morning but I am holding my breath for old form to reappear as so many women on here have experienced. I don't want my marriage to be over, I really don't.

As paxtecum mentioned, about my needs and asserting them, I don't know where to start with that. Anywy its school run time here in USA. Thank you all for your help

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