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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just had "The Chat": feeling crap now.

15 replies

notsogoldenoldie · 27/02/2015 12:55

Me and "d" p have been having a difficult time for some time. Years, really. Separate beds for ages, hardly any sex, not really talking in any meaningful way. A while back I caught him out being unfaithful. We haven't really spoken since.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with "stress" by the doctor, a situation brought about at least in part by the situation at home. I asked to sit down with him this morning to let him know (not sure why, really) and we talked about our relationship.

I've always suspected that he has been using me for cheap childcare for years and has no feelings for me. But actually hearing it coming out of his own mouth in such a callous, matter-of-fact way has really shaken me up. When I questioned him about why, if he was unhappy in the relationship, he didn't discuss it with me and end it years ago, he said "I just assumed it was over anyway". I have never assumed anything. I knew things were difficult, I've had counselling in the past, and I've kept faith with him, stood up for him, never made any demands on him and been loyal. I've suspected he has no feelings for me for a while, but to hear it expressed like this in such a casual, dismissive way really hurts. I'm so angry. I've been such a fool.

We have agreed, for the time being, to remain under the same roof, but I'm not sure how I can cope with the anger I feel towards him.

Just need to rant, really.

OP posts:
Crankycarp · 27/02/2015 13:00

Flowers I'm really sorry he was such a shit - you are going to be so much happier without him but you already know that I think. What's your plan of action now - is he leaving?

Crankycarp · 27/02/2015 13:00

Plan of action In the long term I mean - sorry.

cozietoesie · 27/02/2015 13:08

A plan of action is actually a good idea - doing something at any rate. That sick feeling in your stomach is likely partly due to uncertainty and knowing that you've finally set out on a long road but not knowing how you'll get along it.

Did you agree, however tentatively, anything else apart from continuing under the same roof for the time being? (And what do you think that that actually means for him? It's darned near impossible in my experience.)

Original poster
notsogoldenoldie · 27/02/2015 13:48

We live in his house, so, no, he has no plans to leave. He was "assuming" that I would move back to my own house (rented out) with dd. But never mentioned it as a real possibility, and, although it could be an option, it wouldn't be the only option.

My plan of action-such as it is-would have been to remain in the house together for the foreseeable, or at least til dd leaves (she's 13.). I thought I could quite easily bear that, given that the relationship has been rocky for a while. But now I'm not so sure. All I feel at the moment is hatred, pure and simple. It's the callous disregard I'm finding difficult to deal with at the moment.

OP posts:
beavington · 27/02/2015 13:53

But you cant just live with him for at least another 5 years Sad what will it teach your daughter about self respect? Your dd in years to come could be stuck in a loveless marriage, would you want her to stay for the sake of her children?

It will be hard for you both but i cant imagine the festering atmosphere putting up with it would do.

KatelynB · 27/02/2015 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beavington · 27/02/2015 13:54

Sorry OP i read that as still being your plan of action. Im sorry youre going through this Flowers

AccordingtoSteve · 27/02/2015 13:58

notso, how horrible for you. The others are right though, you can't do this to your little girl. I'm in a horrible situation myself and know I have to leave for her sake. I'm sure you probably could have muddled through for a few years more without knowing what you do now but now you DO know, how can you live like it day to day, now he has told you how he feels.

So sad for you Flowers

Original poster
notsogoldenoldie · 27/02/2015 14:52

according so sorry to hear you're in this situation too. You're right-the situation has changed now. I can no longer just muddle through, despising him, him despising me. Good luck to you, whatever you doFlowers

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 27/02/2015 14:57

5 year of this?

There wont be any "you" left to leave after 5 years. Its a tiny death every day when you live with someone who doesnt love you and who you dont love.

Its far better for your child to see you happy than to see you losing your sense of self, your confidence and your happiness in order that she grows up in a 2 parent household. And who is to say she will leave at 18? She may not go to Uni, and what then? Another 5 years until she has saved enough to move out?

I think you need to be realistic about how your life is now, and optimistic about how it could be if you leave. You may find another relationship that fulfills you, you may not. But the point is that you will have a choice.

Please dont do this to yourself.

Original poster
notsogoldenoldie · 27/02/2015 15:36

bogey thanks. I get what you (and others) are saying. 5 years seems ages. But if I'm honest with myself I think I hit rock bottom about 4 years ago. And I've realised this and ever since then I've been (slowly) on the up. I think I have more self-respect now than I did then, and, as you say, I have choices now that I didn't have then, due to childcare issues. I've got some great new friends, a hobby I love, some money and some options.

I suppose I'm even free to seek other relationships. And, although things have been pretty miserable (not just because of him) I'm actually much happier now, oddly.

At the moment, though, it hurts, and I can't see through my anger. I'll get there, tboughWink

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 27/02/2015 15:50

I would be angry too.

Its one thing to wonder if the person you are with really wants to be with you, but to be told that you have been taken for a twat all these years must be like a kick in the tits.

Wanker.

Bogeyface · 27/02/2015 15:50

Sorry, thats him who's a wanker, not you! :o

cozietoesie · 27/02/2015 15:53

No - I'm sorry not but in my experience, bogey is right. it's simply not sustainable.

You think that you're generally 'on the up' but living with this man for an extended time in a 'flatmates with benefits' way (said benenfits being eg house-cleaning, food and childcare) you could go down to a place you never dreamed of. You're already depressed and he's already been unfaithful - well now, he has the green light to do whatever he likes albeit you may agree that eg he doesn't bring other people home while the child is in the house.

How are you going to react when he stays out all night with impunity? What about if/when he makes new friends and you aren't introduced to them and don't know what to say when they phone? What about.........Oh there are a myriad of problems.

And what messages is the whole set up going to send to your DD?

Think again, please.

AccordingtoSteve · 27/02/2015 15:56

notso bless you lovely. Hope you come to the right decision for yourself and your beautiful little DD XX

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