After 4 months of Individual Counselling, I think I need to end my marriage

[Mustbemoreassertive]

I am a regular under an old name change, as some people know me in RL and there could be done identifying details. This is very long so thank you if you read it all :)

I have had 6 counselling sessions over the last 4 months, as my confidence and self esteem has always been low, and I want to believe in myself more and be more assertive.

It hasn't been an easy time, going through the past and evaluating everything, and looking back, when I started the counselling I was in a very dark place, and very depressed.

Looking back, I think it started when I was younger, my sister who is less than 2 years younger than me, got a lot of attention at home, she has a personality disorder, and even now still gets a lot of my parents time. I have always been a people pleaser, and tried to make other people happy, at the expense of my own happiness. I guess I always felt on the sidelines, and not as important. Even now my parents let her get her own way for an easy life. I know it's Incredibly hard for them, but this is part of the picture so wanted to include it.

So I met my now husband, and he gave me lots of attention, looking back it was flattering. I just wanted to be noticed I guess, he has a larger than life personality, and it's hard to get a word in edge ways, but again because everyone knew him in our social club, everyone knew me, which again was flattering.

Looking back on over 15 years, I see that we were never really that well suited, and I have always tried to please him and make him happy, again at my own expense, as I didnt know any different. I have never felt appreciated, respected, or acknowledged. I think I felt it was my fault for not making him happy, it was a reflection on me.

He is very moody, doesn't talk about stuff, just goes quiet. Sulks if he doesn't get his own way. If my opinion is different to his then I'm wrong, he can't see that people can have different opinions.

I find it hard to talk to him about anything, as he gets very defensive, and just shuts down.

I will give a few examples of things that bother me

For our wedding anniversary he wants to go abroad for just under a week, leaving the kids at my parents. He talked to me about it, I said I was happy to go away, but as I haven't been abroad for years, and I am terrified of flying, I would prefer to go in this country. He just shut down and that was that. Then I found out he told someone I was refusing to go abroad, but didn't say why!

So I brought it up again calmly in conversation (not mentioning friend) and said I didn't want to go abroad without the kids as my fear of flying was too much for me, as well as being so far away from the kids, I didn't feel happy as if I had to get back it would take ages, and I didn't feel comfortable. He said I didn't trust my parents, I said I trust them absolutely, it's not about that, it's just as a naturally anxious person, I wouldn't enjoy it. He just couldn't see it, said it's much cheaper to go abroad. Wouldn't budge. He just doesn't get it at all. This is why I don't talk to him much, as I just don't see the point I just want him to take my feelings in to account instead of being made to feel guilty and selfish.

He is very impatient with the kids, don't get me wrong I'm not perfect, but he gets frustrated with them easily. Like at the dentist the youngest was getting very anxious, so I talked to him, and the dentist was very good and we managed to have a deal where he looked in his mouth while he was sat with me. OH was getting frustrated with him which wasn't helping, and later said (not in front of kids) that he (DS2) was a twat at the dentist today.

These are just a few examples. Looking back I don't think I have ever felt loved or respected. I am absolutely willing to compromise, and always take other people's comments on board, and am willing to admit when I am wrong. Yes I'm not perfect, but I like to think I'm a good person overall. And the kids deserve more.

I don't deserve the eye rolling, the tutting and the sulking. I want someone who understands me, respects me and my opinion, is willing to work with me, and encourages me and lifts me up.

With my kind of personality I need a positive person, and I just think we are too different.

Wow that was epic sorry, it just feels good to write it down and clarify it in my own mind. Any thoughts/opinions gratefully received.

It sounds as though you've reached a decision after much careful thought. I hope you have people around you that will support that decision and I hope you get the better life you deserve.

Thank you cogito I appreciate your opinion, you give good advice

Sounds like you need to be on your own and focus on yourself and your needs for a while and gain some self confidence that way.

You don't need someone to 'lift you up' or 'encourage' you. You can do that for yourself.

I am reading that you are quite a needy person yourself who would benefit from taking more time alone to work through your own issues before you begin to consider another relationship as your personal boundaries have been quite ( understandably) loose.

You don't need anyone's permission to leave a miserable relationship.

its amazing how writing things down can help clarify things. You sound like you really know what you want.
I can sympathise with the situation wth your sister as although mine doesn't have a personality disorder she has always been 'high maintenance' and I alsi became a people pleaser to minimise the conflicts. My parents sound similar too and often I felt hard done by because I was 'easy going' although things are much better now we are adults.
Your husband should support you and your children, whether its flying or the dentist people fears are valid and nobody ever got over a fear by being called a twat.
Is there any chance he would go to counselling?
It sounds like it's helped you a lot and a change in him needs to come from him

Yes you are right kissy I need to lift myself up, I suppose I am just thinking what I need in a relationship, and so I can compare it to what I have now if you see what I mean? Learning from my mistake so I don't fall into that trap again. I would like to meet someone eventually so I'm just trying to process my thoughts.

I wouldn't expect constant praise, but I suppose just feeling I am appreciated, rather than noticing what I haven't done? Eg thanks so much for baking those cakes for me to take to work, they loved them?

Appreciation, thanks, care, consideration, thoughtfulness, kindness.... that's how most normal people express love. It's basic, basic stuff, it's got to be two-way and, if that's not your experience, you're probably not loved... simple as that.

Thanks Maroonie to be honest I don't think he's ever been right for me, and although he might try counselling he is very black and white in his thinking. He doesn't have much empathy.

I am going to try and be brave and talk to him tonight, the stress is taking its toll, and I need him to at least know how I feel, and take it from there. I'm terrified, but I need to do it for my sanity. I've already lost nearly 2 stone (I was overweight so not to much of a problem!) I'm not eating or sleeping properly. I need to do this for me and the kids. I'm under no illusions, it won't be easy, but until I make that start, things won't eventually change for the better.

I'm just going out for a bit but will be back later, I appreciate your replies, thank you

I also think you could benefit from some time alone to work on your issues and anxieties. Maybe when you gain more confidence in yourself, you will start trusting your parents a bit more, and you may stop looking to others for your happiness. Only you can lift you up and encourage you, you cant rely on others to build you up.

You use the holiday as example. Only you can deal with your fear of flying, and your fear of "the foreign". The fears wont disappear on their own. I can imagine it is frustrating to live with somebody who is so different and have such different outlook on life, and have anxieties like this holding you back. I also imagine he has not holidayed abroad for years with you either, so he has taken you into consideration and stayed in Britain for holidays?

Do you think you are transferring your fears to your children? With the dentist example, were you reinforcing to your children that the dentist was nothing to fear? Or something to fear? It would never have occurred to me to place my child on my lap at the dentist. I treat the dentist visit like it is no bother at all, and the chair is like any other chair. Maybe your dh is as exasperated over how you deal with the kids, as you are with him?

Sadly cogito I don't feel he is any of those things, I'm glad you said that because it's clarified it more for me,

He tells me he loves me, but his actions certainly don't show it

quint I admit I am an anxious person, I would go abroad with the children but we have gone in this country as we couldn't afford to go abroad, yes I need to face my fear of flying, I accept that, and if he was more understanding I might feel able to do that.

I don't deny my anxiety is an issue, and I am working on it, and yes I'm sure it is frustrating, so maybe it's fairer on him if he finds someone who won't be a burden to him?

The dentist, I don't like it, but we just went in, I hadn't even had my turn, and just acted naturally, it was a last option as it was better than nothing, kids get anxious sometimes.

How do you think he could be more understanding?

I developed my fear of flying quite suddenly, after moving two flights away to study. (I am from the far north of Norway, and came to London to study when I was 21). I had pangs of stomach pain, and real physical reactions, I was scared for days prior to flying, a nervous wreck during flight, and exhausted after. I flew home and back for holidays three times per year. Alone. I dont think anything anybody said or did would have made a difference. My fear was mine, and totally irrational. The chances of something happening is much less than something happening when crossing a road, or driving on the motorway.

I had terrible anxieties in the beginning of my life in London. I could barely eat I was so scared of food poisoning, I was nauseous from anxiety, and some nights I sat outside the toilet just waiting to be sick. But of course, I was not going to. There was nothing physically wrong with me.

Having my first child brought out new anxieties, I was so scared that HE would wake up in the night and be sick, that he slept with a sick bowl on his pillow.

One day I said to myself "What are you going to say when he asks why there is a bowl on my pillow"?

The thing is, I have found mechanisms to recognize my anxieties, and to rationalize threw them, to the point where I can put them out of my mind quite easily.

Maybe you can ask your counselor to help you develop techniques that can help you?

Your relationship is one thing, your anxieties another. You can deal with both and be happier for it.

I know they are seperate issues, and I am starting some CBT for my anxiety.

By more understanding I guess instead of just getting cross and sulking when I tried to explain my worries, by saying what do you think would help, and talking it through rather than automatically accusing me of being selfish.

I know my anxiety is my problem, and I agree only I can deal with it, but a bit of empathy and understanding would be nice.

Do you think he sees your mention of your worries as your way of simply saying "no" to what he proposes? Does he know that you expect him to reassure you and come up with solutions that will help?

What would happen if you instead said "Yes, that sounds great, I would like that. How can we ensure my anxiety/fear of flying does not ruin our holiday?" Then you are giving positive indications of your intentions to go, while telling him you want to discuss strategies with him. Would he sulk, or would he be willing to talk you through it?

I have tried many ways of approaching things over the years, to compromise, but if it's not what he wants to hear, he sulks, no discussion

I just wanted to say that it takes a lot of bravery to look at a situation like this and to make the right decision for you. Well done, OP.

Thank you shove that means a lot to me

I expect that, once you take the main source of anxiety and misery out of your life (him) a lot of your other problems will rapidly diminish. When you feel unhappy and under stress any extra thing, however small, becomes a massive hurdle. You will cope better in general once you have freedom, security and no one constantly bringing you down.