Can birth bring back triggers from an old bad sexual encounter?

[SleeplessSeattle]

Sorry if the title's wrong. After reading threads on here i think that I was raped when I was 13 by my best friends older brother, who was 25 at the time. He used to mow my parents lawn, and he used to talk to me whilst he did it and I felt flattered. I don't remember how he came to have my phone number, but he started texting me, and I remember that he started asking me sexual questions, such as how many blow jobs had I given etc.

Wanted him to think that I was cool and older than I was, so I lied and said something like 5 or 6. He asked to meet up after school for a chat, and I did and he kissed me, and I remember being so overwhelmed that he was "interested" in me but he started undressing me and I didn't know what was going on but although I said no I didn't try to stop him, he was twice my size.

I told my friend afterwards and she said that I made it up, and we fell out over it, and haven't spoken since. He loved opposite me and would text me afterwards saying he could see through my window. He carried on working for my parents afterwards though I never told them.

I don't really know why I'm thinking about it now, I've just had a baby with my partner and I can't sleep with him since. I don't know if this sounds silly but the birth hurt so much that I've been getting flashbacks to this night when I was 13 whenever we've tried to have sex since I had my son and it hurts so much and I don't want him to touch me.

This has been the same even at doctors appointments, any vaginal examination the doctor hasn't been able to do because I've been too "tight" and clammed up, and I'm physically shaking when they try and touch me. Can giving birth do this to you? Is there anything I can do about it?

I thought I had got over it but I feel 14 again and am hating how much I'm thinking about it. I need to have examinations because I have cysts and I can't let the doctor put a speculum in without crying in pain.

Sorry this has been long and rambled. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to ask, or what answers I'm looking for

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Lots of things can trigger feelings and you are allowed to feel the way you do.

You don't say how old you are now (not relevant) or how old your baby is, ie do you have midwife care you can lean on?

You have done nothing wrong

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.
I'm no psychologist but these 'flashbacks' may be post traumatic stress disorder. By your post it sounds like you were raped. You need to talk to your GP and explain what happened to you and also victim support. You also need to report what happened to the police. Massive step I know, but this man must be stopped. You probably weren't the first nor indeed the last.

This was 10 years ago now. I guess far too long for the police to do anything, plus his family are family friends.

I remember crying as it happened and him commenting on my lack of pubic hair (I didn't start my periods until I was 16. It doesn't change anything but I'd never even kissed a boy before, and it made me think that's that what sex was. Something that I wasn't meant to enjoy. My friend who I told afterwards in tears went on to tell the whole year that "Sleepless has had sex!"so again I didn't realise it from normal. I think it was only when I was about 19 that a boyfriend asked why I didn't make any sound during sex, and it was just because I didn't know I was actually meant to enjoy it if thy makes sense.

I have to stop myself physically recoiling from my partner when he touches me at the moment. Ive never enjoyed sex, but it's never been this bad, and he's done nothing wrong. I don't know how to make it okay.

I'm sorry you were subjected to this assault. I think you should talk to someone about the rape and Rape Crisis would be my suggestion. They will listen to you, believe your story and give you advice both about relevant counselling and what the opportunities are to get the rape investigated. This man could easily have gone on to rape other young girls in the area and, whilst prosecution is always difficult so many years on from an offence, reporting it could be a missing link in a bigger picture.

But your first duty is to yourself and your immediate family. So do seek help and advice. Good luck

Firstly, it's totally normal to go off sex after having a baby - the hormones often mean that whatever desire you might have had for sex is gone. Even people who have no issues often find it takes months and sometimes over a year to get back into it. So to some extent, that's what's going on and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. How old is your baby? Is your partner ok about the fact that you don't want sex?

Secondly, it often happens that childbirth triggers past trauma and it sounds like that's what's happened to you. There is a lot of help out there for dealing with this, as others have said, and we will talk it through with you here. Do you think you could tell your partner? Do you think he would be supportive?

That guy raped you. He is a horrible shit and you didn't deserve to be treated that way. It wasn't your fault, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You can get through this and release its hold on you. It can get better, but it will take some time and work on your part. There are people out there to help though and they will support you.

Do you have a good friend you can talk to?

He's 5mo. My partner is being okay but I know he's hurt by me rejecting him, and I don't think he'd understand if I told him; he knows that it happened to me but doesn't know specifics and I don't think he'd understand why it was coming back now.

I don't really have people I can talk to this about no. It happened so long ago that my friends now don't know, and the one friend I still am in contact with from then would find it strange that I brought it up I think.

I don't understand why it's come back. I thought I had put it behind me as "one of those things" but I keep remembering bits of it graphically which I couldn't recall before and it's horrible.

It has come back because you've suppressed the experience and it is unresolved.

Becoming a mother changes your whole perspective. You can become very conscious of the hazards of life once you are responsible for a completely helpless baby. There are times when it feels like everything is dangerous and, with stories about Jimmy Savile and others in the news, that will also be triggering memories.

New motherhood makes you think about your own childhood because others will (probably) be saying things like 'he looks like you when you were a baby'. You start to question all kinds of things, including whether you were adequately protected yourself as a child.

There are people you can talk to. Your partner deserves to know more of the truth because you're a partnership and it's important to be open if you're not to have him thinking the worst. You can talk to Rape Crisis. They are getting a lot of old cases put before them, some from much further back than your own, because of the media attention.

You can also talk to your family. I know his family are friends with your family but, if you were my daughter, I would be horrified knowing you had kept this pain to yourself for so long.

Cogito I wouldn't even know how to bring this up with my mum. Or my dad for that matter. They still see these people regularly (they love opposite) and his mum walks our dogs. I couldn't bare for it to be public knowledge, and I can't see how that wouldn't happen as my mum wouldn't be one to keep quiet if she knew.

I'm scared that my partner won't understand. We're both pretty frazzled with a baby (it's our first) and I don't want to bring up stuff that's going to make things more difficult

I wasn't raped, but birth did bring up trauma for me. I stopped sleeping and became very anxious. I went to the GP and was refered for CBT therapy which I found very helpful.

I agree that ringing rape crisis would be a good first step.

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you

From my experience I think it's worth being careful about who you tell. An unsympathetic reaction from someone, especially your mother, could be really upsetting, especially if she's going to make things worse by spreading it around.
It is worth talking to your partner about it though, if you can manage it and trying to talk a professional like someone from rape crisis. With your partner all you need to say is that the birth brought up some bad memories from the past and that combined with the hormones and stress of being a new mum you're struggling with sex. Explain that you're not rejecting him and it's not his fault, you're just having difficulty at the moment and if he can hang in there you're going to sort it out. You never know, it might be the first step towards solving the issue. If he understands and is sympathetic that might open the door to talking more about it and working with him to reframe your experience of sex into something more positive.

The more you keep it to yourself the more it festers. If you have a kind and understanding friend they won't mind at all or think it's weird if you bring it up - a good friend will just be glad you told them and want to help.

Do also consider contacting a counsellor or Rape Crisis - they know exactly how to help you and will be hugely supportive and sympathetic. You don't have to deal with this alone.