Will becoming more assertive help me to be less sensitive/quick to offend?

[mcarthurspark]

I have noticed a pattern where I tend to shy away from confrontation, but as a result I stew over things and then (quite frequently) bitch about them privately with friends afterwards

So if someone is rude to me in a minor way, instead of calling them on it I'll pretend it's fine but then afterwards I'll moan to friends.

How can I reduce this behaviour? If I politely challenge rudeness or thoughtlessness will I then be able to let it go better?

Case in point - I helped someone earlier today and they were very ungrateful and didn't say thank you. Instead of calling them on it I stewed and then moaned to my friend and ended up bitching about the person in question which I know isn't a healthy approach.

So will 'being assertive' solve this? Any experiences?

hopeful bump

How can I reduce this behaviour? If I politely challenge rudeness or thoughtlessness will I then be able to let it go better?

Maybe. Probably. Try it?

How frequently do people offend you?!

How frequently do people offend you?!

I don't know? Hard to put a figure on it, once a month? I wouldn't say they offend me, more that they upset or annoy me.

Yes it should help. Being assertive & expressing yourself means that you get heard at the time, even if you can't always be fully in control of a situation. Saying nothing but grumbling afterwards achieves nothing useful and can result in a build of of resentment and feelings of impotence.

Do you think you would find it too stressful to tackle people at the time? I'm a bit the same, cross with myself for allowing people to be rude or bully me but not assertive enough to do much about it. Don't worry about the moaning thing, it can be quite cathartic and doesn't really do any harm unless either what you say gets back to the person or if the person you moan to gets sick of it.
Maybe the next day you could go up to the person who offended you and say "yesterday you did x and it really annoyed me", it's marginally less confrontational as you won't actually be angry any more

Thanks both.

I think it's finding the balance between starting an argument and not being a doormat.

I'm going to try it..

I doubt it would "let it go". If you are a muller-over and a dweller, you are a muller-over and a dweller. A bit of assertiveness won't change that.

It may make you feel better though short term and reduce the length of the mulling and dwelling.

I'm not sure it's about assertiveness. It's about boundaries and letting go. There are different techniques you can learn to help you with both of these. Reading 'Boundaries' might be a good start.

I'm never sure which way is best tbh, very often arguing or standing up for yourself gets an agressive response and if you don't know the person can spiral into a hellish row or you'd have to step back at a later point - cue more angst and dwelling. Whereas not saying anything makes you feel weak but some would say you should see it as rising above it and being philisophical, but in this case you have to learn to see it that way - a bit like in meditation 'this too shall pass'.
Th truth is some peopel are good at arguing and quick sharp come-backs while some get a bit lost in what to say and feel even worse after confrontation. Maybe you need to be prepared with some standard come-backs. But I'd like to see if anyone thinks it's actually better not to confront . Sort of take pride of being forgiving?

sorry for typos

Assertiveness doesn't mean confrontation necessarily. Assertiveness can sometimes mean choosing to walk away, choosing not to confront, whilst still making it clear that you are unhappy and not willing to engage. You will feel less powerless and resentful if you are in control of your response rather than passively allowing others to run the show.

Yes, sometimes if you assert yourself and speak up, you will get an aggressive reaction. Doesn't mean you have to sink to the same level.

But I'd like to see if anyone thinks it's actually better not to confront . Sort of take pride of being forgiving?
I think it all depends on the incident and also on how you will feel afterwards eg if there is a risk of physical attack then remove yourself from the situation.

But being assertive doesn't need to be arguing. I very rarely feel I'm being confrontational and I don't let incidents spiral into arguments except with family but if someone is being rude to me then I'm quite clear that I've heard their pov and don't agree with it. It can only be an aggressive argument if you engage with the other person escalating it. If you remain calm then they either argue themselves out or walk away because you're not reflecting their anger back.

From the OP's example it seems that she felt someone was rude to her but didn't call them on it. Depending on what they said, she could have laughed and shook her head; said 'that's a bit cheeky' or 'that was rude' or 'why do you feel like that? or the classic PA customer services technique of 'thanks for sharing your opinion. That's not what I think.'

She could have responded in a non-confrontational but assertive way that left her feeling she had made her point ie that she didn't agree with them and wasn't happy about their comment.

My OH used to avoid confrontation, bottle it up, get resentful and then become prickly. This actually led to more conflict, rather than reducing it.

We now have an arrangement that if one of us is unhappy about something we find the right moment (not when one of us is tired, emotional or irritated) and say directly and honestly what we think and feel but without being aggressive.It works really well.

Once you've had a chance to say it, and be heard, the resentment typically subsides - and you're less likely to dwell on it if you have a tendency to be a 'dweller'.

ToYou, yes I agree it's the best way with a partner or people you know, but it's hard with strangers or say, rude shop assistants. If someone is just huffy or ignore you, or swears under their breath, I'm usually at a loss of what to say - sounds similar to OP's situations where she helped someone and they ignored it. In these 'pesky' scenarios there is nothing concrete to say, or even 'thanks for your opinion but I don't agree' isn't suitable (though a good tip for other situations where a debate is involved).

What I meant by arguing or confrontation is expessing it by being huffy in return, or saying something like 'you are being unhelpful' which is confrontational and can invite agression. So I'd love an advice on these - hopefully may help OP too. Shrug and forgive is an option but I personally can't always achieve that.

Something I learned from past experience is to 'pick your battles'. If someone says something that, on first impression, you feel is offensive to you, ask yourself whether it really matters in the grand scheme or is it not worth getting annoyed about. Often you will find its the latter. As cog says, assertiveness can include walking away, either literally or figuratively, you are making a proactive choice to not let something get to you. That is empowerment!

CBT is good for this, recasting your perceptions - you can't always change stuff, but you can change how you approach it.

I don't think being assertive means challenging people when they are rude. I agree it can mean not letting people's rudeness get to you, acknowledging to yourself that there is no accounting for folks and their ways, and then taking the high road and moving on, and not stewing about it and then moaning about it to others.

What you need is more of a zen thing.

Brush it off. Float.

You are not being a doormat. Other people are being rude. Their choice, and it reflects only on them.