how do you know if he is serious?

[evuscha]

I didn't have much luck with men in the last couple of years so now that I met a seemingly lovely guy, I don't want to get it wrong and/or make a fool of myself.

It is very fresh, we've only been on 3 dates with #4 this Sunday and we haven't had sex yet (just kissing). That is probably the main reason why I'm asking - I don't want to have sex if for him this is just a mission to get me to bed and then never call me again. At the same time, it seems way too early for a discussion whether he is serious about me, no?

He's been absolutely lovely, not rushing me into anything (although it is obvious he would like that if I was up for it), our dates were cafes and dinners/walks so far with a cinema lined up for the next one. He always suggests another date at the end of the evening and he seems to enjoy our time together. On the other hand we don't really communicate much in between dates apart from arranging the actual date.

Now I am a bit paranoid perhaps due to all the bad experiences (especially last two guys doing the disappearing act) so may be overreacting a bit - I don't let it show though, keep it together, don't text him constantly or anything like that. I guess I am just wondering about what is normal at this stage and what is not, and how can you tell the guy takes you seriously rather than pretending to be interested, then disappearing after sex?

In my experience I have never found a way to suss out whether they are after sex or not. There is no 3 date rule and some men will pursue relentlessly and disappear once you have had sex.
That being said I have been really into some men and once we DTD I found out there is no chemistry. I certainly didn't intend to up and run!
You just have to take a risk some time. Keep your boundaries tight though. If you do sleep together and he starts messing you around. End of. Its nothing to do with you. Either there is no chemistry or he is an arsehat.

I suppose I do need to take a risk, I need to find out about chemistry.

I'm not sure at which point the whole talk about getting serious happens, when does it change from just going on fun dates to something more long term? It's been a while for me since I had a good proper relationship - and back then in my early 20s I didn't care how serious the relationship was. Now that I am in my late 20s and would like to settle down at some point, I overthink everything! While I wish I could just relax and enjoy it as it is.

You can analyse and over think until the cows come home. You can't guarantee anything. I thought I had a blissfully happy relationship until I found out my ex had been cheating for three months.
What you can do is make sure the way you react is true to yourself. Don't get lost in excitement and hormones. For example you sleep together. He says he will call the next day... three days later you get the call he's been busy blah blah blah. Do not give the benefit of the doubt. Ever.
I am not the wisest mumsnetter but a little trip to a website called baggage reclaim will clarify your thinking. As will a chap called Tony Gaskins. (Tony Gaskins is a christian and I am a committed agnostic. I only mention this as he speaks sense amongst the scriptures so if you are an atheist don't dismiss him )

Sex is just sex. Doesn't set up any automatic obligations. If you have sex with someone who seems very nice and they turn out to be a horrendously selfish lover, you're probably not going to want to take it any further. Now if they go away from that encounter thinking 'she only wanted me for sex and then dumped me' are they being accurate? Or what if the sex is great but you get bored with the guy a few weeks later and realise it's not going anywhere? Would you think you had to keep seeing them just to save their feelings?

Judge this new person best you can, do what feels right at the time and try not to see sex as a big meaningful thing,

I had a three week rule. No sex for the first 3 weeks.

What I found is, if the guy was genuinely interested it was no problem.

If he was just after sex, three weeks was too much of an effort to put in (esp when then could get a one nighter) so either disappeared or did the slow withdraw.

This worked really well.