made my boyfriend cry

[starodyssey2015]

Just had a spat with the other half. He told me to stop leaving milk cartons out but took it so over the top (effing and blinding). Baby was asleep and never hears us argue. So I said I was sick of his attitude. All he wants to do is go on computer games and never wants to go out and when he does he's in a mood. We have little money at the moment so can't afford fancy days out so it's the park or taking the dog for a walk. We kept arguing and he got so anget he punched the wall and made a hole (hes got mental health issues and councillor says punch a wall instead of hurting yourself). I got really mad and said im sick of it. Anyway he said something very hurtful so I said I was going to my mums cause I couldn't be around him at the moment. And he cried and begged me not to leave with our baby. This isn't like us. We rarely argue. But his attitude is making me so upset and he refuses to go to the doctors to sort his head out. I try to be supportive but he won't let me in. Running out of ideas.

That sounds very stressful.

Personally, I think you need to go to your Mum's. And not to go back until he agrees to make more effort in terms of sorting his head out (going to the doctor, for instance) and sticking to a routine where computer games are confined to a reasonable amount of time during the day. I am afraid that I think this is what it will take to get him to take action.

I've got one...

He needs to get help and get himself sorted out and if he won't do that then you should, for your sake and your child's (how old is your baby?) leave until he does.. what is the nature of his mental health problem?

Sorry, but the counsellor told him to punch walls? Were you there for that? Because I seriously doubt a counsellor would suggest to someone that they punch walls.

You're not responsible for his MH issues or his behavioural problems. No counsellor would tell anyone to punch a wall under any circumstances. He needs to get help pretty urgently, he sounds quite unstable and I'm glad you can go stay with relatives.

Councillor was my grandfather's wife who told him that. It's very quiet at the moment

Sorry I don't think I've explained myself properly. He's a really good dad and usually just bottles it up and gets on with it. It's th first time today he's broken through a wall. My grandfather's girlfriend saw scars on his arm and took him aside and said that (I was there) she's a councillor. It's his moods more than anything. He doesn't shout or be nasty. He's just moody. Thanks for the replies by the way. Good to not feel alone

grandfather's wife?

So not a proper therapist that he was referred to then? Just some relative who said 'punch walls' ?

Sorry but 'punch walls' is SHIT advice. No reputable therapist would advocate that.

If the only help he has been getting is his grandad's wife acting as a counsellor, and that's the quality - then it's even worse. He needs proper, actual, formal help from someone who knows what they're doing.

Then she's a bloody terrible counsellor if she genuinely gave that advice. Destructive behaviour like punching walls is violence and not a legitimate alternative to self harm.

He must seek proper professional qualified help.... not negotiable. And I don't think you should be offering to put either yourself or any children at risk back in the home unless and until he gets that help. It is not 'moodiness' you are describing but unstable and aggressive behaviour.

xpost, look, the risk to a person when they punch a solid object like a wall is significant. They can break bones. They can also damage property, although obviously personal risk is more important. It is also not an effective way of managing anger even if you want to physically get out emotions, because you can't punch a wall over and over. You will hurt yourself.

If you'd said she said, I dunno, go for fast runs, or take up yoga, or do breathing exercises, or write things down or play music etc.

A therapist should be working on ways for a person to safely express anger, to manage it, to divert it, to understand it. Not saying oh, just punch walls.

If he wanted to punch anything, then better a punching bag or ball. Although really it is generally felt that doing violent things to 'let out' anger is actually counter productive.

also, really - all punching a wall is doing is physically hurting yourself in a different way. Seriously, if she's a qualified therapist she needs taking off the list!

I suspect, OP, that his 'bottling it up and getting on with it' is a symptom of what is wrong, and not a sign of what a great dad he is. It sounds as though he has anger/frustration issues and, as Cog and Fenella have said, he needs to seek help to resolve these before your walls have more holes than an Emmental cheese.

I would wager that the wall-punching is not to avoid self-harm, but to intimidate you. It's a great bullying tactic to get you to back down in an argument.

So his general attitude is "I hate you, don't leave me," is it?

Swearing, name-calling, saying hurtful things, physical intimidation... and then begging you not to go?

You should go. This level of instability and volatility is not healthy for you, and not healthy for your baby. It shows complete disregard for both of your wellbeings.

Agree with PP. Take yourself and baby off until he has received professional help and is able to deal with family life.

You need to keep yourself and the baby safe. It doesn't sound as if either of you is happy.

I had an ex who punched a hole in my wall when angry, a few weeks later he was strangling and biting me. An inability to cope without resorting to physical aggression is not a good trait in a man (or woman) and if his mental health issues are causing him to lose control to that extent then you really need to get yourself and DC out of the way until he has learned to manage himself better and has got some professional help.

It is possible to have mh issues to be depressed and to also be an abusive twat.

It is also possible to cry and be upset and still be an abusive twat.

it's what he does not why you need to worry about

He needs to sort himself out. He does not have to and probably should not be in the same house as you while he does this.

She's a councillor

And to be fair she is a truly horrible person so I'm not doubting what you are saying. But she is a registered councillor

Can I just make the notion that he has never hit me, called me names or laid into me. He is not abusive. He usually goes for a walk and cools off when we argue. I don't know what happened today

I really should rewrite this post.

Leaving aside whether or not he is abusive, his behaviour is categorised by a lot of 'moods' and disengagement from the family that you find upsetting. It has now escalated into arguments, hurtful remarks, damaging a wall and him ending up sobbing. This is not the behaviour of a stable man and, if it is because of MH issues, it is his responsibility to get some treatment etc and do his level best to get his behaviour under control.

What you've been doing up to now - being supportive - isn't working. If you carry on doing the same thing, nothing will change. Currently he has no incentive to get help. You have to provide that incentive.

Op hitting a wall would be counted as violence by the police. You said he was efging and blinding and said something really hurtful.

He does not have to hit you to be abusive.

But leaving that aside, his behaviour is unacceptable. You are not happy. He needs to sort it. If he won't then go to your mums or ask him to leave until he does.

How old is your baby? What is your living situation, is it his place or do you rent/own jointly?

Has his mood been more up and down recently?

I'm not going to blow the horn of "punching walls means he will escalate to punching you". My son self-harmed when younger, he also tends to punch walls when upset/angry. Something he unfortunately learned from his dad, after we had split. However my son has never laid hands on a person or animal. (Neither did his dad for that matter.)

That doesn't mean this doesn't need sorting out though. You may need to tell him that he either goes to the doc and gets referred for counselling, or you and babby are going to your mum's because it isn't healthy for you to be around him. And then if he fails to make the appointment, you must follow through and leave.

Maybe you could offer to come to the docs with him? Or help him write a letter that he can give the doc rather than have to say things out loud?

She's a councillor

Do you mean a counsellor (therapist)? or a councillor (elected Council/local authority official)?

If the former, she's giving rubbish advice.

Um no we don't advise punching walls, and ide be concerned he was like this with a small baby in the house.